Up For Grabs Now

1. Tiny Totts’ goalkeeper is Hero Gomes, who has so far been much too busy trying to forcibly detach Vedran Corluka’s head from his body to bother doing anything as trivial as making saves for his new “club”. A small conical head and large, sticky-out ears make Hero the likely, erm, hero for Arsenal tonight.
2. a pair, a brace, a couple, dos, zwei, deux: see also, ‘number of points gained by Tiny Totts in opening EIGHT games of season’. Until Sunday they didn’t even have enough points to call a family, let alone start thinking about finding good schools in the area to send all the little points to. Sure, as of Sunday they finally have three shitting infant points on their hands, but several of Arsenal’s 19 point family are so grown up that they have tentatively joined facebook, established a regular bulk order on Kleenex tissues deliverable to their bedroom door, and dabbled in mild narcotics.
3. Delusions of grandeur have ALREADY kicked in at the Lane.  Having won a single game, Redknapp, formerly a man of sound reasoning and fair mindedness, was asked about the ludicrous prospect of Totts ever being as good as Arsenal.

   WARNING: what follows is a series of statements of astonishing stupidity. Readers who are easily offended by the spectacle of seemingly sentient human beings humiliating themselves in public would be best advised to proceed to item 4.

   Contorting his saggy features, Redknapp bawled: “It is going to take time. They have moved away from us this season but with hard work it is a gap that can be closed. They are both major clubs and it is up to us to get Tottenham back to where they should be”.

   Sorry? We finished last season in 3rd, Totts in 11th, a place difference of 8. Today we sit 4th, but Totts are, of course, 20th. How this amounts to US moving away from them, rather than THEM moving away from us is difficult to say. And what exactly does Redknapp mean by “time”? Tottenham becoming as good as Arsenal will “take time” in much the same way as Emmanuel Eboue’s eventual eclipsing of Zinedine Zidane will take time, or as Sarah Palin’s attempts to publish her important thesis on ancient Persian civilisation will take time. The real point to be made here is that Totts’ problems are rooted in such self-delusion and its persistence with Redknapp is good news for Arsenal. Much like Newcastle, the belief that they are a ‘major club’ which somehow deserves to be successful is what makes them sign ludicrously-priced players for the wrong positions and encourages a dressing room attitude of entirely unjustified complacence. They pretend they’re Real Madrid and are surprised when it all goes lasagne-flavoured.

4. Walcott is looking good, isn’t he? Against West Ham he showed that he is about to “explode”, as Arsene might put it. Pretty soon, perhaps even tonight, he’s going to be doing things like this against Totts on a regular basis. Sorry about the bored-sounding commentary. “You can come to me?” Eh?
5. Last time we lost to Totts at home in the league was on 11 May 1993. There is just something really, really shite about Tottenham Hotspur “Football Club”.

Other News: Good that Big Tony has been appointed at Portsmouth. In his interview he appears a bit bewildered by the news, unsurprising since he was evidently intercepted by Portsmouth on his way to a wedding. If you’re any good, we’ll see you in a few years. If not, you can join the rest of The Back Four on the Match of the Day settee. Also good to see Maradona being given the Argentina job. Amazing, the guy is mad as a hatter. Absolutely bananas. Can we please appoint our maddest former player to steer us through the Post-Arsene Depression when it arrives? How about Merson? My money’s on Adebayor for sheer interview potential. Any other candidates?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 29th, 2008 at 12:26 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.