Up For Grabs Now

So you’re at work when suddenly you spot a hideous Mank supporter. Let’s call him Gary. Gary says he’s ‘always’ supported United. This means he probably became a fan towards the end of the 1999 season and has supported them ever since, (except in the 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006 seasons, when his interest suddenly cooled – no titles, you see). His favourite player is Cristiano Ronaldo who he claims to have found on Champ Man before anyone else, for which reason he claims credit each time the greasy winker scores.

This morning is for you, Gary. It is time for us Gooners to get merciless when it comes to The Gloat. Mankers(TM) like Gary deserve to be punished and it’s our job to inflict the post-match pain every time Arsene’s boys beat them. I have compiled some helpful tips on how gloating is best carried out.

1. When gloating, it’s important to take things a bit too far. So far that your colleagues (and family, if relevant) begin to wonder at your childishness and lack of sportsmanship and give you funny looks. This is fine – you already knew you were childish and this isn’t a sport, it’s a solemn duty. It’s important that gloating is shameless, so don’t feel shy.
2. One good way of taking it too far is to engage the Manker in physical contact. Invade his personal space. This will be even worse for him than when Samir invaded the fuck out of their defence. The defeated Manker hates nothing more than a consoling hand on his shoulder or, even better, an over-enthusiastic hair-ruffling. They don’t call it rubbing it in for nothing.
3. “Accidentally” refer to Gary as “Samir”. Every time you see him. Each time you should immediately apologise and explain that you just can’t stop thinking about THAT goal. Suggest that Samir is a much better-looking version of Gary.
4. Find a newspaper match report. Preferably a histrionic one by someone like Henry Winter. Something that really goes overboard. Go over to Gary and loudly read out the entire match report to him while he is on the phone. Ask him if he enjoyed the game.
5. Abandon subtlety entirely. Every time you see him, throw your arms in the air, perform a high-kneed Cossack-style dance and scream “YEEEEAAAH! GET IT UP YOU YOU MASSIVE MANKER!”

While we’re on United, UpForGrabsNow was deeply concerned by Mr Rooney’s performance on Saturday and has commissioned an inquiry into why he was quite so shite (see “Arse-Poll“, top right). When the results are in, we intend to have them engraved onto a special bronze plaque. One lucky Junior Gunner will then have the chance to nail it onto Rooney’s spotty bald forehead before our next Emirates meeting.

This week it’s Under-12s action against Wigan tomorrow, which should be fun, then Villa on Saturday. Also look out for lots of press about players Arsenal are “definitely” going to sign. This always happens. When we win, the papers run loads of “WENGER TO SIGN £30M WONDERMAN!”-type stories. When we don’t, they predict the imminent exodus of the entire Emirates dressing room for a combined £7m and run endless “CESC EXCLUSIVES” in which they quote something he said aged 9 about wanting to play for Barcelona. As always, we don’t believe any of it until Arsene says it’s true.