Up For Grabs Now

There will, no doubt, be more on this later. Not least from me, tomorrow morning. But for the moment let it suffice for me to express my frustration that William Gallas is behaving like a twat.

It really makes a mockery of the frequent occasions on which Wenger talks about the importance of ‘intelligence’ in his footballers when Le Gal comes out with this kind of guff. He’s about as stupid as this person. And this is a stupid person.

It comes as a surprise to nobody that things in the dressing room aren’t ideal right now. But coming out in the press and announcing it to the whole world, even trying to suggest who it might be. Ugh. It’s hard to know what to do. Our captain is no captain.

Internationals, eh? Bad to friggin’ worse they are. Wenger was fuming at the start of the week and if the papers are to be believed this morning (which, in fairness, they aren’t) then he will by now be crouched outside the English FA’s Soho Square headquarters with some cheesewire and an unquenchable wrath, ready to open up an enormous can of whoop-ass. Confronted by the enraged Alsatian, the quivering suits may have no choice but to hand over £200k.

This will be comfort about as cold as it is possible for comfort to be, especially in a week where we have already lost Sagna until December. It now looks as though much will rest on the slender and frankly silly shoulders of Emmanuel Eboue, the man who has patrolled Arsenal’s right side with so much, well, silliness for the last 3 years. My own preference would be to confine Eboue to right back at all times, regardless of his knowledge of what Arsene did last summer. I’d put Carlos Vela on the left and switch Nasri to the right (which he can play, just as much as he can play on the left – like most of Arsene’s wingers he is actually a central midfielder).

Many people have been groaning about how Theo’s injury shows how wafer-thin the current squad is. They definitely have a point. Of the current Arsenal squad, possible back-up includes Eboue, Rosicky, Eduardo, Nasri, Ramsey and Wilshere (and you could probably throw in some Out Of Position Diaby (OOPD) and Innappropriate Outbursts of Song (IOS) if you were feeling really positive about things, which we definitely aren’t). Both good options here are injured for a very long time and were already injured for a very long time before Theo got injured; Nasri has rather pressing left-side commitments and Eboue is such a disgrace to the good name of the midfielding profession that if he ever turned up at some sort of National Union of Midfielders conference I think he would attract more than a few hard stares. So yes, it is pretty thin.

The Ramzoid made his debut for Wales last night down the right of midfield and he could yet prove the best option. He would have grabbed a debut goal but for the incredible selfishness of Craig Bellamy, and by all accounts played well. Also playing well was Robin van Persie, who looked miraculously fresh for his game against Sweden, bagging a brace. Playing very badly, despite what the tabloids will tell you, was John Terry whose mega balls-up against Germany had a definite Cyganity (TM) about it.

Transfer gossip: Vast Belgian centre-half Daniel van Buyten says he admires Arsenal. Thanks very much Danny! He also says he likes Bayern Munchen but will see what happens in January. Well, that’s big of you. We are also linked with a bidding war with MIDDLESBOROUGH (shit, this could be tricky) for yet another Belgian, Steven Defour. Perhaps in a twist to his usual policy of only purchasing the very young, Arsene has tightened his focus to only purchasing the Belgian very young.

Lastly, I feel it is my duty to draw your attention to a much under-discussed interview Le Gal did while away with France. See what you think and try not to fall off your chair at the end:

“Defenders are judged whether the team wins or not. There have been matches when I have played better than when I faced Manchester United, but if we’ve lost, it isn’t recognised.

“But now, the fact that it is Manchester United, there is pressure, a lot of things around this game, having won 2-1, we immediately talked about the match of Gallas. I’m not complaining.”

“We immediately talked about the match of Gallas.” What? Did we? I didn’t, did you? Certainly not. Who did, then? The Press? No, not really, they focussed more on Nasri. Hold on William, it was you wasn’t it. You’re the only person who talked about the match of Gallas. Let’s just hope he didn’t talk about it with the team afterwards. I can exclusively reveal that this story was first broken by UpForGrabsNow in our post-match report. It’s in the sixth paragraph of that report and we said:

“A small quibble with Gallas though, and this is going to sound ridiculous, but at the very end, whilst the TV cameras were swaying around Ronaldo’s lithely disappointed torso, Gallas went to the Redaction end of the Emirates and beat his chest to the crowd’s adulation, as if he had won the whole match on his own. Clearly it’s ridiculous to complain about a celebration, particularly after such an important win, but you couldn’t help but feel that whilst he revels in the attention, it was exemplary of the fair-weather captaincy which has disappointed so many fans this season. We need him to feel that imperious all the time, not just when he’s won.”

Wise words indeed, UpForGrabsNow, wise words indeed.

My, don’t I feel rough today? After I had between twenty-five and a million beers I got home and felt nostalgic for my childhood, so prepared myself a soft boiled egg and dipping soldiers, then ate it quietly on my own as I thought fondly of my youth.

Anyway, this now means that I can’t have that for breakfast, much as I’d like to, because I ate my last egg. Which is a pity, because right now I’d love to eat it quietly on my own and think fondly of the Arsenal of my youth.

But speaking of the youth of Arsenal, it has buggered itself, in the form of  L’il Theo Walcott dislocating his shoulder and being out for three months. Three months! I’m sure that I’ve seen people in documentaries like Rambo dislocating their shoulders, popping them back in and then heading back to snog a girl and fight a war. The least Theo could do is pop it back in and head back in time to beat teams like Hull City.

Honestly. Theo? Why Theo? Why not Gallas, or Eh?boohim? Or Bendtner? Eh?boohim could be out for a thousand years and I wouldn’t worry, except that he might get bored with his Buckaroo and finally reveal What Arsene Did Last Summer. Not that I wouldn’t like to know What Arsene Did Last Summer, but I fear it might make for an awkward mid-season.

Anyway, in practical terms what Theo’s injury does is give us a bit of a headache in midfield. Without him on the right the boss has a few questions to answer, particularly since his width has been one of the best things about the team this season. One option would be to put Nasri on the right, though with Sammy playing so well on the left it seems a bit unlikely. In that scenario you could put Carl on the left, and give him a chance to start darting inside like Rob Pires. I wonder about his defensive qualities, though, especially with Gael not quite at the top of his game either. I expect Wenger will play it cautiously, and that we’ll see a lot of out of position Diaby, perhaps broken intermittently by inappropriate outbursts of Song.

Ach. I’m beginning to depress myself. If anyone’s got non-depressing ideas I’d love to hear them, particularly if they involve Young Jack Wilshere or the Ramzoid.

Aside from his headache, Arsene’s likely to be furious, as he never likes the timing of international matches like these anyway, and least of all when people leave the comforting bubblewrap of Arsenal and go and injure themselves horribly with their national teams. I mean what do they put in the water? Maybe someone was jealous of his trainers and barged into him before stealing his lunch money.

Le Grove has a depressing piece about the possible financial and ownership implications of another season without silverware, though I have to say I disagree with it. I think the fans are more patient than that, and also the small-stake shareholders he’s talking about, who might want to sell, were probably never in it for profit anyway but instead have shares to express their love for the club, however frustrating it might be sometimes… worth thinking about, still.

I don’t want to end on a depressing note, so here’s this from a couple of years ago… Still very funny, though it has a certain horrible hubris now. Much as it did in the original, I suppose.

In an extraordinary turn of events, Arsenal will announce the appointment of former Newcastle skipper Alan Shearer as their new manager later today. The move comes after an inconsistent start to the season saw Gunners fans grow increasingly frustrated with legendary boss Arsene Wenger, whose refusal to strengthen the squad in the summer is largely seen as the reason behind the team’s indifferent form.

Shearer had been expected to take up the reins at Newcastle United following his departure from his position as an analyst on the Match of the Day programme, but he revealed to reporters this morning that the lure of the Emirates stadium side had been too great to resist.

Ok, you can calm down. Hopefully your screen is still attached to your computer. If not, please don’t blame me, I was relying on your sense of reason and justice to disbelieve the above report, which is complete guff, of course. I just thought that on a morning when so many Gooners seem to be sweating and fretting uncontrollably about the state of the side, and where the same ground seems to be blogged over and over again, it might be therapeutic for us all to imagine what life might be like with Shearer instead of Arsene.

Well, his first signings would definitely be Kevin Davies, Martin Taylor and Chris Morgan.

Shearer: [wide-eyed, Geordie accent, illogical] “The first thing I noticed when I came into training was, hey, these guys are a bit skilful aren’t they? If you ask me what they need is some elbows and a bid more backside. Davies, Taylor and Morgan have three of the biggest arses in the Premiership and are all extraordinarily violent, unpleasant individuals who play football in a proper English way – not at all.

“If I learned anything from my five years spent edging awkwardly away from Mark Lawrenson it’s that if you want to win football games, you need the benefit of hindsight, some bendy virtual arrows, tight River Island shirts with bizarre pockets all over them, some very obvious explanations, and the profligate over-use of the words “great” and “Frank Lampard” in the same sentence.”

Even those of you who have been hanging around at the end of your tether for so long now that you’re beginning to wonder whether reaching the end of your tether is really such an important event as it’s hyped up to be, and whether the end of your tether isn’t just the end of a piece of rope used to tie you, goat-like, to some country fence and how can that be so significant a thing? - yes even you most cynical bunch of tether-botherers, must admit that Arsenal are in a much better way than the poor misguided fools who are about to appoint Shearer as their manager.  Aren’t we?

Rumblings: a story is whispering around that Milan want to sign giant Udinese centre-half Christian Zapata, a player we were strongly linked with in the summer. This would be very annoying as he sounded like exactly what we needed and if he goes on to great things it will be one of those really irritating nearly-signings. Granted, I have only seen Zapata play in real life once, but his service to my Arsenal side on Football Manager was really invaluable.

Happy Monday to you all. Yesterday was Sunday, which for me was significant in that I didn’t actually see the sunlight at all. I went to bed at six thirty and woke up at five, feeling really rather peculiar.

Most of the Arsenal coverage this morning lurches, predictably, back to the ‘doom and gloom’ setting after a brief interlude to spread joy and light after the united victory. Suffice it to say most of it’s beyond rubbish. Whatever people might say, our season is very far from ‘over’. Aside from the Champions League and domestic cups, in which we’ve so far looked pretty convincing, in no sense have we lost the league. And Arsenal fans with even very slight memories might remember a few seasons in which we’ve come back from weak starts, and a few more where we’ve started very strongly only to throw it away at the end…

Goonerholic has a piece about how Cesc should go home for a holiday. This intrigued me. Whilst he has looked a bit off the boil, so far I’ve thought this was as much to do with despair at the ineptitude of his teammates, and his lack of compatibility with Denison (at least compared to the Flamster). But perhaps he is just tired. I have now conjured in my head an image of Cesc trudging home to Barcelona, perhaps with his belongings wrapped in a handkerchief attached to a stick, before collapsing into the bosom of his mother and eating some jamon Serrano and drinking sangria. There’s then a montage of him doing Barcelona-like things like visiting the church and lifting logs in the snow, before returning refreshed and in time for the big game.

My imagination then continues to the big game, in which he repeatedly passes to Bendtner, who controls the ball with a typically grandiose first touch and then does a step over, falls over and watches the ball roll out for a goal kick. Cesc then starts pouring gasoline over himself like the guy in Airplane!

Hmmm. It’s very difficult to know what to say today. The lessons are essentially the same as they were before, and after, the united game. If I were the boss I’d certainly be tempted to mix it up a bit – perhaps give Ramzoid a start, or Carl, or change something at the back.

Dropping LeGal might put a rocket up a few arses but not, I fear, his own. He sometimes gives the impression of being too thick to even realise things like that – he’d probably think that being dropped was some sort of special prize. It’s also unclear who would be stronger. Toure and Silvestre? Djourou in there somewhere? Who knows. Should be an interesting week, anyway.

For anyone feeling a bit sad about Arsenal, this should cheer you up a bit. I honestly believe my family could have died in an impending nuclear holocaust and it would still make me chuckle. That is supposing, of course, that YouTube was still working right up to the last minute.

Were we surprised? No, not really. How does it feel no longer being surprised when Arsenal are beaten at home? Well Pat, it feels shit, really shit.

Arsene’s post match:

“It is very difficult for us to have a rational explanation about what happened today. I believe that the team want it but it was just like a few other times this year where it is unexplainable why we don’t really play at our 100% potential.”

And I know what he means, up to a point. Many fans have problems with certain players in the team, but taken together there is simply no way they should lose to Villa at home, certainly not so convincingly, in a game Arsene rightly described as still being “winnable” even for an Arsenal team playing poorly. Hansen idiotically claimed we could have lost by “4 or 5, quite easily” which is HansenHyperbollocks (TM), (just as last week he called Gallas “one of the best defenders in the world” - where have you been, Alan?) but this was certainly a deserved defeat.

The problem is that the “unexplainable” happens to this Arsenal team rather a lot, doesn’t it? The more this keeps happening, the more convincing some “rational explanations” for it are starting to look. Explanations like the team lacking leadership, like the central defence being unfit for purpose, like a sheer lack of commitment across the team and a lack of squad depth meaning there is no competition for places. Too many young players being given too much of a chance too soon. Too many underperforming players being given too many chances for too long. I’d be interested to hear any others.

It seems like a few bloggers have been re-writing last week’s win over United as some kind of undeserved freak result which says nothing about the quality of the side. It wasn’t. We played brilliantly, our players looked good enough to be playing at that level and they put in everything they had. It’s because the team looked so good last weekend, good enough to really go places, that results like yesterday’s are so bloody infuriating.

 I’ve always been an Arsenal optimist. I hate to criticise individuals and I can’t really bring myself to criticise Arsene. It just feels wrong to me. I’ve asked one of my mates who doesn’t think like this at all to write a piece for UpForGrabsNow which will give a much more brutal, unsympathetic account of post-Invincibles Arsenal so look out for that over the next few days.

Up next: City away. Absolutely no predictions from this end.

Only happy moment of yesterday: Thanks must go to Hero Gomes for cheering up miserable Gunners everywhere, if only a bit. The Overseas Sports Personality of the Year Award is going to be a tight contest between him and Usain Bolt. Vote Gomes, I say.

Bollocks.

Let’s imagine you’re a professional footballer. A professional footballer from, say, France, or Spain, or England. Or Denmark. You’re paid to try and win matches. One weekend you pack your bags, drive to the stadium in your expensive car, put on your shirt and play very well, play the sort of football you are capable of playing when you put your mind to it, and beat a famously strong opposition.

The next weekend, again you are called upon to play football. You drive to the stadium in your expensive car and put on your shirt. Now here’s the tricky part. What do you do next? Do you:

a) Play very well, the sort of football you are capable of when you put your mind to it and for which you are afforded adulation, cash and a lifestyle beyond the wildest dreams of most of us?

or b) Do you sit down and let a pack of semi-northern assholes run by a haggard besteroided leprechaun run all over you, concede an unfortunate own goal and then roll over and die on your feeble, good for nothing arses?

You tell me. Honestly, you put so much faith in a team and then…

Moment of (very slight) clarity: amongst teams that aren’t in the big four, Villa are very strong. They are considerably better organised than, say, Hull City, to whom we also lost. Had we not lost to the likes of Stoke, Hull City and Fulham, you would say that it’s almost reasonable that we lose to Villa, if we’re going to have a game that we lose to a team outside the top four. However, we did lose to Stoke, Hull City and Fulham, and so losing to Villa feels not only acceptable but worringly deserved.

More tomorrow, no doubt.

For now beers and no MOTD.

Mmm. Saturday. In the olden days this used to mean ‘football day’, but no longer: my small brother (he’s young, not a dwarf), called upstairs to my father -

“When’s the game?”

“Usual time”

“What’s that?”

Honestly. Young people today, eh?

Anyway, at the usual time today we have Aston Villa, a team everyone expected great things of this season but who’ve not lookd so hot in the last few (Agbonlahor’s lack of goals precipitating a precipitous slide down the fantasy league table for myself. The bastard). Still they’re fifth in the league which doesn’t happen completely by accident, so we should expect them to make some chances, though if we’re up for it like we were against United I expect us to win – perhaps by a couple.

One player with fond memories of Arsenal is Steve Sidwell, who’s interviewed in the Times. The piece is pretty boring, so I won’t link it, but he does say he feels a bit frustrated that he didn’t get more first team chances – surely a rebuke to those who’ve been accusing Arsene of devaluing the Carling Cup. Under the current set-up Sidwell would no doubt have been blooded in Carling Cup matches, and had his chance to show what he could do under pressure and expectation. In the end he had to go round the houses a bit via Reading, but it’s good to see him back at or at least near the top. I’ve always liked Sidwell, and again here he seems to have a more sensible take on things than others, specifically Giant Mousey Pikey Knobbutlers.

Despite what I wrote the other day, it seems likely that Nik Bendtner will play again today, in lieu of Carl. This is unequivocally a pity, and much as I’d love to I’m not even sure we can fairly say it’s ‘make or break’ time for the Big Dane, even with RvP back after today and Eduardo on the horizon, because Arsene seems sold on his Big Danish physical qualities. A bit like Lego, i suppose.

It’s as if Arsene had decided at the start of the evening he wanted to do a snog on a tall blonde girl (say from Denmark), and despite the nightspot being brimful of exotic, (say Mexican?) tanned, beauties, all of whom are mustard keen for him, he persists in buying Smirnoff Ices for the one tall blonde bird even though she’s not interested at all, and couldn’t head the ball if it was strapped to the wall at head height.  Very frustrating.

That said, come on the Arsenal . More later, as part of our new ‘rapid response’ blog campaign, by which time hopefully we’ll have three shiny new points to admire. Come here for all your post-match debate needs…

Update: The Gunnerlings have been drawn away to Burnley in the Carling Cup. Quite honestly (and with al due respect and all that sort of guff) I think Carlos and Co. will be licking their pubescent chops about this. Shame it’s not a home draw, but YUM nonetheless.

So the barnstorming little Gunnerlettes destroy a Premiership team with a grin and a swagger. 3-0. “Too easy!” they cry, “Give us someone more difficult to humiliate with our Average Age Statistic and frightening ability to retain the ball! Please Mr Wenger, let us tear into Aston Villa this weekend. We won’t let you down!”

Wenger the Wise thinks about this. He strokes his wise chin (the chin the tabloids once hailed as the natural successor to King Solomon’s chin, which was well known for its wisdom). He sighs, looks up and says “I thought the team showed great spirit today, great mental strength and were again unlucky… Sorry, what? Oh it’s you Jack. For a moment I mistook you for that knave Geoff Shreeves. Sorry about that. You say you and the other young scamps want to play against Villa tomorrow? Hmmm. That is tempting.”

Wenger the Wise strokes his wise chin a bit more. “No,” he says at last, “I’m going to stick with the other team for this one. But I might play Carlos.” Please do, Wise Wenger, please at least give us Carlos.

And stick with them he will, except those members of the Other Team doomed not to play by the doom-mongers at Arsenal.com: Van Persie (suspended) and Eboue (injured). I reckon Arsenal.com should have a fanzone match preview where the real reasons for player absences can be properly recorded: Van Persie (rather brutal assault on Stoke goalkeeper), Eboue (not good enough, really, and a bit of a twerp).

Wenger himself said Eboue “is not fit“, which could be taken in two ways. Either he’s “not fit” in the sense that his physical condition is not really up to a game of footie, or perhaps Wenger has finally started applying a “right and proper persons” criteria in his selection of teamsheets, in which case Eboue may well have been overlooked because he is such a twerp.

Hamstring, 2 months. Cruciate Ligament Damage, 7 months. Dead Leg, 2 days. Twerp, rest of life.

Arsene: “We hope to have Eboue back very soon, but unfortunately for the medical team there is very little they can do when you have as big a twerp as Eboue to deal with. We hope to send him to a specialist in Los Angeles next week who will hopefully sort him out.” Fingers crossed, eh?

Villa,  of course, had an impressive start to the season and spent a ton of money in the summer. As soon as Tiny Totts went tits up and Arsenal stuttered a bit, Villa were suddenly everyone’s pick for fourth. At which point they immediately started dropping points. That said, they have a good team from front to back, including a few players I wouldn’t have minded seeing in red and white. Obviously there’s Barry, but Young is another one who looks a bit like an Arsenal player in disguise and was a great signing at £9m even though it seemed massive at the time. Think of the utter piffle that Totts are always spending £9m on.

So it could be tricky against them. Hopefully because they are quite good they will attack us a bit, forcing our players to try a bit and then we’ll win. If I was O’Neill I would get my team to pretend to be really bad and refuse to leave their own half. In this instance Arsenal, as always would idly piddle away 9 great chances before conceding to the bloke Gallas should have been marking at a corner.

Please no! Let’s hope for something more like this.

Roooaaaaarrrrr.

Is emphatically not how I feel. But then again, how I feel is nothing compared to how I look. How I look is like a man covered in glow paint, a small amount of beard and a larger amount of self-loathing.

Ah yes, the Arsenal.

Surprisingly little Arsenal news this morning, all things considered. Mostly there’s fall out, or whatever fall out’s happier cousin is, perhaps ‘step up’? Or ‘climb in’. Yes, climb in. So, mostly today there’s climb in from the Wigan game, with particular praise being lavished on the transpubescent shoulders of Young Jack Wilshere, alongside the less novel plaudits for the Ramzoid and Carl. Nothing to get a newspaperman’s attention like a young Englishman who’s good at football, is there? And yet still, people will doubt winge that Arsene has never made an English footballer, or some other rubbish.

Apparently Young Jack Wilshere is like Paul Gascoigne. If he’s like Paul Gascoigne then I would like to use this forum to advertise myself for the position of his Fivebellies. Aside from helping him to keep it real, I’m also handy with a fire extinguisher, good in a dentist’s chair and not mental.

Speaking seriously I hope Young Jack Wilshere has an alright time of it. I know people will look to Theo and talk about Wenger’s track record with bringing through youth players, but I feel Wilshere is a special case in that he is so young, and comes chasing both the expectations created by Theo and also an Emirates crowd aching for a London boy – you can hear the extra roar when his name is announced over the tannoy. They’re bitter about Cashley Hole. Bitter and angry, and a wholesome homeboy is just what they need. It’s occurred to me that all this talk of the collective need for a boy is questionable, so I’ll stop, but you get the idea. I just hope he’s got a cool young head on his young shoulders – I’ve always felt that Theo was uniquely together and collected – it’s easy to assume all youngsters will be equally able to cope.

Anyway aside from all that bollies it’s probably worth mentioning the scum, and specifically their worrying discovery of how to play football. Harry Redknapp, to my mind, has so far escaped becoming a knob, but if his team continue to score goals then his name may have to become Harry Redknobb, and nobody wants that…

But with Liverpool and Chelsea both out the competition is seriously open. If we can get rid of the mankers then there’s a competition the Colts can cast a realistic eye towards, and what could be better? Other than the other competitions, of course, but a winning Colts team will put some pressure on the old boys. If I were Bendtner I’d be seriously worried about Carl, who appears to be his opposite, being short, dark and able to play football. Perhaps if they ever play together one will have to destroy the other, like a Dostoyevskian doubling. I wasn’t so worried about damaging his subjunctivity, and if I were the manager, I’d be seriously tempted to start Carl against Villa. Let me know if that’s wrong.

I’m not mentioning Dooda Monster’s antics last night, because they’re beneath contempt. He’s as close as you can get to a giant bannister covered in vagina.

And anything else. Until later.