Up For Grabs Now

Afternoon all, and as we approach Christmas there are lots of intriguing and some amusing developments about all things Arsenal.

The amusing first. In an interview with the Guardian, Boss Nass the Usbeki rapist has said how he would love Arsenal to buy Andrei Arshavin, saying that he would fit well with Arsene Wenger’s footballing philosophy.

Now to my mind this seems a bit of a silly thing to say, particularly when you consider that in the same piece he also says that he is only interested in Arsenal because of his faith in Arsene Wenger, when Arsene Wenger has explicitly denied wanting to buy Arshavin (see yesterday’s entry).

Quite right too, if you ask me. Arshavin had a couple of good games in the Euros, and is clearly very keen to play for a bigger team than Zenit (ie any team not in Russia), and suddenly he’s being touted as the best new thing. No. Too old, to expensive and unproven at the highest levels, if y’ask me.

In the rest of the article he talks about how he’s not interested in buying any more of Arsenal at the moment, since he doesn’t have the means, and neither does anybody else. This is good news. If we can stave him off for long enough for the Premiership bubble to burst in a couple of years then the club will no longer be such an attractive proposition. We’ve just got to hope that they keep resisting the seige.

Part of the reason this blog comes to you somewhat belated is that I was at a party last night where I cornered a man deeply knowledgable about the boardroom shenanigans, and he had some interesting things to say.

Apparently the ruckus has really been over how the story has broken, rather than the ‘ousting’ itself. What began as a professional disagreement over the appointment of Gazidis, and generally being sidelined by the board, became a much bigger issue when the story emerged that Bracewell-Smith had been fired – it had been agreed that she would be said to have resigned. She felt, quite rightly, that it was a shoddy way to treat somone with a massive shareholding and who has done a lot for the club over the years.

Richard Carr felt, because of his family connection with her, that he had to resign too, but (again because of the manner of the story breaking) he and Bracewell-Smith are now at loggerheads as well.

Apparently she isn’t speaking with any of them at the moment, but the general feeling is that she won’t sell (much as she herself said the other day) as she loves the club, but at the same time if the board continue to make it a massive hassle for her she might decide it’s not worth the trouble to carry on being involved, particularly when she has to spend so much time with her very unwell husband.

I suppose  as fans we’ve just got to hope she carries on long enough for the dust to properly settle. I’m sure Fiszman and Hill-Wood are aware that they’ve made a complete hash out of a situation which by the sounds of things didn’t need to be hashed. It’s been bad PR and bad for the club’s stability at a time when we could really use it. Hopefully in time they can offer NBS an olive branch and get her back onside.

Just for the record about the Liverpool game, I thought the booing after the sending off was an amazing phenomenon, and played a huge part in sapping Liverpool dry. 55,000 people booing every Liverpool touch for well over ten minutes was extraordinary, and seemed to stop them playing. The only time i’ve experienced anything comparable was the last game at Highbury, where for the first fifteen minutes nobody seemed to play any football, as they were too aware of the huge chorus of ‘We’re the north bank, the north bank, the north bank Highbury’, echoed by ‘We’re the clock end…’ It was impressive then, and the booing was impressive on Sunday. Would the crowd could do that at every game, and the Emirates might become the fortress it’s yet to develop into.

Finally, a word on Cesc. It looks as if he’s out for 3 months, proving Guillem Balague right but crushing fans everywhere. If ever there was a chance for Song, Diaby and Denilson to prove themselves at the highest level, his is it. Poor Cesc, but it makes it all the more important that we buy at least some quality in January…

As the reaction to our draw with Liverpool became more and more confused – “Liverpool grab brilliant draw against 10-man Arsenal” (eh? how does that work exactly?) – Arsene was asked in his post-match about the prospect of Carlos Vela being loaned out, his interest in Andrei Arshavin and the possibility of a move for Carlos Tevez.

“No, no, and no“.

This is terrible news for the idle rumour-mongers across the web and in the offices of the Daily Mail and Daily Mirror, who last week ran screaming headlines about Arshavin and Tevez and followed them up with learned opinions about Arsene’s imminent change of heart. They talked with grave certainty about the enormous sums piled high at the Emirates just waiting to be splashed on a range of long-haired strikers. But they still couldn’t be arsed to fabricate a single quote from within the club or “sources close to Arsene”. What evidence for Arsene’s great epiphany? None, nada, diddly squat.

So it’s bad news for them. They’ll have to find new big names and big new numbers to fill their headlines. Heaven forbid they should actually do some journalistic research. But is it really bad news for Arsenal? Is it bad news for Arsenal’s fans? I’m not so sure.

It seems to me that this season more than any other has seen Gooners aligning themselves with tabloid transfer hysteria. We’re not having a good season, what do we need to do? We need to spend, and spend big. That’s the consensus.

It’s total bollocks. I don’t give a monkey’s how much we spend, I just want good players. We currently require the acquisition of good players on the wing, in defensive midfield and in central defence. Everybody agrees on that. As far as I’m concerned these players can cost 20 million or 20 quid and I wouldn’t care less as long as they’re good enough. Nor do I care if I’ve heard about them, or if I’ve seen them in major tournaments, or if “Sport.com” says they’re really really good. When Eduardo and Sagna signed nobody had the first scoobie who they were and neither of them were very expensive, yet they are both absolutely class players.

But that’s not the attitude most Gooners have right now. Many have bought into the tabloid myth that spending money brings success by itself. In fact it doesn’t bring concrete success to anyone other than the media, who have an easy story which will sell them lots of papers. It’s as if Tottenham’s high-spending and laughably disastrous last 20 years never happened, or we Gooners just weren’t paying attention. 

Where there used to be a certain pride in Arsene’s ability to underspend his rivals and still compete, there’s now a rather ugly antagonism towards him, an insistence that he spend very big on a really big name right now, as if any future success would then be down to every pea-brained nutter who’s been screaming hysterically for a headline signing for the past 9 years, and nothing to do with Arsene.

And this antagonism has spread to infect many fans’ attitudes to certain players, chiefly Denilson and Alex Song, forever the scapegoats this season for any of the team’s shortcomings. Now both of them have put in some pretty dreadful performances, but both of them have also had games when they have been – as yesterday – little short of magnificent. Yesterday was the second time that Song has effectively neutralised the threat of Gerrard. And their performances are recognised by the rest of the squad – yesterday Van Persie singled out both players for praise – so it isn’t just Arsene who rates them. Van Persie is a top class Dutch international who has played with great players at club and international level. He might be worth listening to on this one.

But instead of getting the credit they deserve as young players performing superbly in big games, they get slated yet again. In my opinion this is because these two have come to represent Arsene’s policy of buying very young players very cheaply, then blooding them very early. It’s a very risky strategy, and a strategy which has major flaws as well as major benefits.

I reckon if Song had been signed for £9 million from Lyon in the summer and Denilson had come in last January from Valencia in a nice exciting £12 million deal, you wouldn’t be hearing anything like the dog’s abuse these two get week by week. Nothing like it. People would have way more patience with them and they’d want to see them doing well. You get the sense that some Gooners approach the game wanting Arsenal to win, no doubt, but also wanting to have a right old go at Alex Song. It’s totally perverse.

I’m not saying that either of these players should be first team regulars or that we shouldn’t bring in better players in their positions, I just don’t think they’re getting a fair hearing from Arsenal fans right now.

That’s my opinion. You probably disagree. Let me know, and don’t spare the expletives.

Arsene has confirmed that Cesc has injured his medial knee ligaments and will miss between one and three weeks. He said the injury was “difficult to assess”, admitted it was a blow, but that the team would “have to cope with it”.

They certainly will. He’ll be missing at Villa Park for sure. A three week lay-off would also rule him out of home fixtures against Portsmouth and Bolton in the league, games which should be very winnable with or without Cesc. And he would surely have been rested againt Plymouth on January 3rd in any case.

It’s a big big blow, but the positive angle would be that he’s only going to miss one really big game and at least Cesc will finally get a rest and we could see him back to his imperious best in the New Year as a result.

On today’s evidence, it will be Diaby who steps into the breach. He needs to take this chance to nail down his status as an important player in the squad.

We’ve never needed him more and he’ll never get a better opportunity to prove himself in his preferred position. Over to you, Abou.

Latest Update: Guillem Balague, the well-respected Spanish journalist has claimed that Cesc’s injury may be much worse than originally thought. He describes “private fears” within the dressing room that in fact Cesc has torn a cruciate knee ligament, a severe injury which would see him sidelined until well into next year. He’ll have a scan tomorrow, a prognosis which could well decide our season.

I hate to say it on this occasion, but Balague is a top journalist with excellent connections and astute instincts. Let’s just hope he’s been talking to the wrong people.

Well, that was angry, breathless, and, purely as a football game, a bit bollocks wasn’t it?

You all saw the key incidents, I’m sure.

An explosive goal of rare grace and ingenuity from Van Persie. The sort of goal only he can score. The kind of footballing brilliance where you pretty much punch the ceiling as the net bulges, your mouth hangs open and your guts jump for joy, but part of you can’t help thinking “why can’t he do that all the time?” Probably because it’s really really hard to do – even for him.

Liverpool hit back with their first decent attack of the game - a high-bouncing hoof caught out Djourou as Keane snuck in front of him and finished magnificently. The guy’s a pillock, but what a well taken goal. I won’t blame Djourou or Almunia. Keane hit it so early that there was little they could do from their starting positions, where normally a touch or an extra bounce would have allowed them to recover.

Cesc hobbled off and will be a major concern. The TV cameras showed him holding his shirt to his face and the great man looked very frustrated. Let’s hope it was just a heavy knock and he hasn’t sustained a profound injury. His frustration could simply have been because he knew he wouldn’t be able to play the second half, not necessarily anything longer. Fingers crossed. We need him.

In the first half Arsenal had a surprising amount of joy playing high, direct balls for Adebayor whose knock-downs into the midfield gave us several decent attacking platforms in an advanced area of the pitch. This seemed to dry up in the second half as the reshaped midfield struggled a bit without their injured General.

Adebayor had been looking pretty pissed off all game and put in a really stupid challenge considering he was on a yellow. Of course the Liverpool prat made a meal out of it so big you could have added a few sprouts and called it a Christmas Dinner, and our fans were rightly outraged (as was Arsene). Still, a silly thing for Adebayor to do when he’s on a yellow card. Very silly in such a big game which looked there for the taking with 11 men. The boy needs a rocket up him if you ask me, and fast.

From then on the game got even scrappier, the moronic Howard Webb booking our players at every possible opportunity and Liverpool showing the kind of lack of ambition which could well deny them the title. Pretty much 35 minutes against 10 men missing their captain and heartbeat. A chance, you’d think, to kill off a rival’s fading title hopes and compound their Christmas lead. No attacking substitutions until Babel on 70 minutes and still no real thrust to their attack. !Rafa, no me jodas! Donde esta los cojones?

Finally, a word on the performances of Song and Denilson, two players much maligned who will doubtless have to face all kinds of misguided criticism after this result. Rarely has there been such a gap between Arsene’s belief in a player and the fans’ suspicion of them as there currently is with these two.

Well, I’ve got news for their haters. I’m not saying that they have both been consistently outstanding this season or anything like that, nor am I saying I’d want them in a first-choice midfield every week. But today they played superbly against a vastly more experienced Liverpool midfield and both of them out of their natural position. Where was Stevie G? Song had him. 

For once, let’s just stand up and give them a bit of credit, shall we. Two battling performances (not perfect, by any means) but certainly well worthy of the shirt in my opinion.

What did you think of the match then? Post your views underneath and we’ll have a right old chinwag.

Would do very nicely today. Apart from the death bit. I don’t wish that on anyone.

The biggest match of the season, apart from the matches we’ve already had including Manchester United and Chelsea, and the matches we’ve yet to come, including Manchester  United and Chelsea again.

But seriously (although it feels as if we have to say this all the time) this is a make or break moment for the side: win and we’ll close the gap on Liverpool to five points – a lead which everybody knows is completely conquerable, particularly given the shiny new squad members which are undoubtedly going to arrive in January.  Lose and we’re sunk, and the rats will start leaving in January.

Nasri’s back, which might make a fair bit of difference: he gives us the Piresian width we lacked so badly against Boro. Whilst he’s looked promising so far his injuries habit is becoming very irritating. I hope he grows out of it, and doesn’t end up dead like Tom Rosicky. It’s also high time Cesc had a big game, if you’re asking me. Which you’re probably not. But then again, you’re reading this, so you can at least pretend to for a bit. Cesc ought to be doing that thing he did at the start of last season where he scores lots and lots of goals.

There isn’t much to report on the Bracers shares debacle, although with time from the event everything is predictably calming down quite a lot. I’m hopefully meeting my top-secret inside source tomorrow, from which point I’ll no doubt be able to give you Grabbers a unique inside-track on what’s going on.
Until then, come on you reds. I’ll take a couple of goals like this, thanks very much…

In other news, yesterday I felt like my life was becoming too purposeful so I reinstalled Championship Manager 2000-2001, and I must say they did get quite a lot of things wrong. I mean quite a lot right, too, but quite a lot wrong. For instance, the game doesn’t feature, on any level, Cesc, Ronaldo, Drogba, Messi or lots of other great players. Given the amount everyone talks about how comprehensive their databases are, those are four pretty big omissions for players who looked good from a very early age…

This is, you’re right, slightly sad of me. But if anyone can remember any really good players from 2000-2001 I’d be delighted to hear them…

So just one day until our almost-table-topping clash with Liverpool. It’s a big game – big for this season and this team, big as it’s 20 years on from  Anfield ‘89 (”it’s up for grabs now!” and all that), and big as I think most Gooners dislike Liverpool even more than usual right now because of the Champions’ League defeat last season.

Wenger and van Persie didn’t shy away from talking about that defeat, with Wenger re-opening the Babel-penalty debate, insisting it was “a dive” (with apologies for the spoony music on that link). I agree that it was a dive, and that Liverpool always, always get exceptionally lucky with refereeing decisions at critical moments when they’re at home (and often away too), but I also think if Toure hadn’t flailed around quite so much then it would have looked even less like a penalty. It’s much easier for the referee to award a penalty when the accused defender appears to be doing some form of hippopotamus-inspired ballet derivative around the attacker.

Still, no point crying over spilt hopes and dreams, is there? Tomorrow’s game could have a big impact on the league season and Arsene is pulling his best Raging Bull impression. The caption on that photo is incorrect. It should read “Big Bad Wenger-Bull butts that bastard Benitez’s bony Iberian bum bloody hard”. Here’s what he had to say:

I am confident that we can beat anybody. If we played Barcelona tomorrow I’m confident we can beat them. I believe that we were vulnerable at some stage to a different kind of game and we have rectified that. In the time coming up we can show that we can deal with that.

It is firstly a concentration problem and secondly because we face a different style of play; much longer and much more direct. It looks to me the main reasons. I believe we are more vulnerable to that type of play.”

I like the sound of the past-tense in reference to our abysmal showings against the lesser teams (you’re meant to put “so-called lesser teams” there, but come on, this is Arsenal we’re talking about so let’s not beat around the bush of SkySports cliches). “WE HAVE RECTIFIED THAT“. About time too. If he really has then there’s every chance this season could yet come up smelling of roses. And big-eared or golden-crowned trophies too. What do they smell like? Success, probably. What does success smell like? Blood, sweat and cheers? Ribbons?

More worrying was that Arsene said that beating the big teams (like Liverpool) was “compulsory” for our season. It’s one of his favourite media-words and it is almost always a harbinger of doom. “It’s compulsory that we don’t draw loads of games against crap teams 1-1 all the way through February and March… oops.” “It’s compulsory that when we play brilliantly and get ourselves a goal ahead we don’t brain-freeze and end up losing the game… oops.” “It’s compulsory that we keep Flamini.” You get my drift.

Team selection: Assuming Nassers is back, I’d like to see Almunia, Clichy, Djourou, Gallas (who tends to swap sulking for scoring in games like this), Sagna, Nasri, Cesc, Song, Denilson, Ade, RvP.

Yes I did just put Song in midfield and Denilson on the right. Got a problem with that? No it didn’t make me feel good about myself, and yes I’m aware that this isn’t one of our more distinguished midfields but what else was I meant to do? It worked against Chelsea didn’t it?

I suppose other options would include Vela on the left, Nasri on the right and then you’d presumably want Denilson in the middle – call it the Anti-Song selection. It would also have the advantage of pitting Nasri against Dossena who, as discussed on Arseblogger’s superb Arsecast yesterday, is absolutely terrible. I guess you could play around with Eboue, Ramsey, perhaps even young Wilshere, but would you really want to against Liverpool? Really?

Would be great to hear your opinion on tomorrow’s team.

Arsene also said he wants to give Arsenal the “gift” of the Champions’ League. Thanks Arsene, that would be really lovely. How did he know that’s what we always wanted? Has he intercepted our Christmas letters to Santa? Is he Santa? It would certainly account for our poor run of form, and for the fact that so far he hasn’t found any “special” players for us to buy in January. Too busy with his little elves?

What else might we find on the Wenger-sleigh? The quote I am clinging to about January is: “the Board let me do what I want to do. I know how much money I can spend and I will try to do it in a wise way.”

It sounds cool and clinical and calculating, like he’s going to bust open his incredible £400 million chequebook, sign the entire Man Utd team then the Chelsea team, sling them all in the reserves apart from Vidic and Essien, who will be allowed to play having been put through a rigourous anti-bastardising programme involving Bob Wilson and the movie “Fever Pitch”. Sounds like a good solution to me.

In the unlikely event that this doesn’t actually happen, I will of course stand corrected.

So we’ve got Roma to look forward to in the next round of the Champions League. Is this a good thing? I think it probably is. In the olden days I was very scared of playing Roma, but now that I’m older I realise that this was only because they had Francesco Totti when I was impressionable and in the throes of my Championship Manager 2000-2001 addiction.
I’m done with that now.

Undoubtedly they still have a strong (ish) side, but we tend to play well against the Italians, and I think the team at the moment is better suited to playing in Europe. So out of the available teams I can’t say I’m too disappointed. Of course the match everyone was looking forward to is Barcelona, but with them in the form they’re in just now I can’t see us doing much over two legs. I’d love to play them, but hopefully later when we’re a bit better than we are now and when we might not lose horribly. Is there honestly anyone who can say they’d enjoy the sight of Leo Messi and, er, Thierry Henry and, er er, Alex Hleb (alright the last one’s not so bad) bearing down on Song and Silvestre?

Didn’t think so.

The shares saga is rumbling on too, with LNBS, or ‘Bracers’ as she’s known in the dressing room, issuing a statement saying how disappointed she is to have been ousted like this. It’s a bit rich to expect us to believe that the board room ousted her – even the most trusting fan would have difficulty swallowing the idea that Hill-Wood et al. removed her to create the sense of turmoil. You can imagine the conversation, can’t you?

P H-W: So, things at the club have been a bit smooth and perfect really.
N B-S: Yes, I quite agree.
S K: Yeeehaaaaawwww.
P H-W: I think we should stir some shit up.
N B-S: What do you mean.
P H-W: You know, change it up and shit. Ruffle some feathers.
N B-S: We need to dispel the image of the club as well-run and stable.
P H-W: I quite agree. How about I fire your ass, then everyone in the world can speculate about how Arsenal Football Club could be about to fall into the hands of a Thieving Usbeki Rapist.
N B-S: But, but, but Pet-
P H-W: Quit your jibber-jabber bitch. Getouttamyface.
N B-S: You haven’t heard the last of me.
P H-W: Sure, sure.
S K: Yeeehaaaawwwww.
A U: (In background) Mwahhahahahaha. Now I can steal and rape Arsenal, just as I have stolen and raped everything for my whole life. I’ll get started just as soon as I’ve finished raping this person and stealing these things.

Perhaps not. But it’s a sweet idea.

Here is a fun little video of van Persie that’s been doing the rounds. What should the team be for Liverpool?

A very happy Thursday to you.

But a somewhat less happy Thursday for Arsenal, with the news that Lady Nina Bracewell-Smith is to leave the board with immediate effect. With no word on what she plans to do with her rather hefty slice of the club’s pie (15.8%), we can only speculate that this is the most likely moment for full-blown takeoever Alisher Usmanov has threatened for so long. Were he to add her stake, or even some of her stake, to his existing 24% he would reach the 30% needed to trigger a takeover bid.

Clearly the immediate reaction to this, from all discerning fans, is to gasp in horror and perhaps faint.
In keeping with their aesthetic footballing superiority, it’s the Arsenal way to assume a kind of moral superiority over other clubs about this sort of stuff too. Whilst I don’t doubt that Usmanov is a slightly dodgy cat, I think there’s more than a tinge of the casual xenophobia about the man – were he not the twin of Boss Nass I’m not sure people would be nearly as upset about his presence. I know that he’s supposed to be a Manchester United supporter, a thug and a rapist, but so was van Persie (for a bit at least), and Wayne Rooney still gets picked for England…

There’s a lot of hypocrisy in those who want a billionaire to take over the club, but not his sort of billionaire.

On the other hand, there also seem to be lots of people who were very unhappy with Stan Kroenke’s presence, but who then willingly acceded to him when it became clear what the alternative was.

To be honest there’s a level on which I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Whilst we’re all familiar with the likes of Hill-Wood etc, and most of what comes from the board level seems sensible enough, it doesn’t mean it’s the only way to run a football club. And the fact that these guys are prepared to pay vastly over the odds for Arsenal shares speaks volumes. It’s the nature of football clubs that they are far from reliable investments, and to get the share price to rise the team has to do well.

You only have to look at the uncertainty that greeted the Liverpool and Man Utd takeovers, but it doesn’t seem to have affected them negatively too much does it?

You don’t become a billionaire by accident, or by having no sense of how to run a business, and if you are a billionaire you don’t go making investments at random. Anyway. We have to wait to see how the chips fall, but I for one am keeping an open mind. It might all be a lot of worried talk. And if it’s not, then at least we’ll have lots and lots to talk about…

So we’re in the thick of non-Champions’ League midweekery. Wednesday, and still no match for 4 whole days. This must be how it feels to be a Spud quite a lot of the time – the sense that there’s a party going on, but it’s somewhere else and you weren’t invited. What do Spuds do to pass the time? They moan a lot. So let’s give that a go…

Today the party’s being hosted by a former Arsenal party-goer, Lassana Diarra, who is on his way to Real Madrid. Ramos was obviously admiring him when he should really have been admiring the many many goals flying past Hero Gomes into the Cocks’ net. The fee looks like it’s going to be well north of £18m which is quite clearly insane (please say there was a sell-on clause? Please?) and demonstrates again the guile with which Wenger must navigate the current transfer market. Anybody with any quality is going to go for vast pots of cash so you need to get in there quick.

If you look at it one way, Wenger has almost pulled an Anelka here. Signing a moaney kid for peanuts who could then be sold for bucketloads a few good games down the line. Just a shame we flogged him to Portsmouth in between. Like most Gooners, I may never understand the decision to let Diarra go. He wanted first team football in the run-up to Euro 2008 and Flamini was having a stormer. So LOAN him out! Don’t sell him. We loan everyone else, why make an exception for Diarra?

I’m not saying that Diarra’s Madrid move in itself means he is a great player or that he has somehow “made it” as a top class footballer (though he will probably turn into one pretty soon) – I don’t think he’s played enough top-class games yet. It’s just that if we had had him from the start of the season, I’m pretty sure we’d be top of the pile right now.

That’s probably enough moaning and wistful if-onlying for one morning.

Some cracking quotes coming from Arsene:

“I come from a little village of farmers where I was educated that when you earn £100 you do not spend £100. For me when you earn £100 and you spend £110 it is like cheating. A club must live within its own resources, not artificially supported. The economic crisis will force many clubs to rethink the way they are run. It seems too many believe football exists in a bubble, away from the financial crisis! Football depends heavily on the financial markets, sponsorship and television rights, all of which are suffering right now. Clubs will be affected, wages will come down, transfer fees must come down and there will be a bit of calm with the exception of clubs like Manchester City.”

The image of the miserly little 9-year-old Arsene flogging a range of promising piglets for £100, trousering £94 and spending just £6 on a little-known Iberian breed of young rabbits while muttering about the imminent collapse of cattle prices is an amusing one. Hold on, that’s our transfer policy!

From a purely Arsenal perspective, you’ve got to hope that he’s right and that the financial crisis will bite football’s saggy bottom pretty soon. If he is, then the harsher financial climate would certainly work in our favour, especially as we’ve clearly prepared for it. If he’s not, then we’ll be a bit stuffed as we’ll have been working within rigid spending limits on wages and transfers without having needed to.

Transfer Rumours: To illustrate just how hard our tireless journalists work on their transfer rumours (which we avidly devour day after day) I give you the BBC’s instalment for today. They report that the journalistic totem that is the Daily Telegraph has claimed that Arsene may replace serial sour-puss William Gallas with Le Mans’ Ivory Coast defender Gervinho.

Hold on. Have you been reading your own columns, BBC? You always, always link us with a move for Le Mans’ Ivory Coast attacker Gervinho. Are you quite sure he is now a defender? Really?

Now, I know Arsene loves nothing more than a nice fan-goading out-of-position midfield (the Diaby-Song-Fabregas-Denilson one is his personal best – just one player in the right place!) and I know the best form of defence is said to be attack, but surely turning the free-scoring Gervinho into a defender before he’s even signed for us is a bit much?

Next thing you know we’ll be snapping up Jimmy Bullard as back-up to Almunia and bringing in Rafael van der Vaart to partner Gervinho at the heart of the defence. Speaking of van der Vaart – yes please, Arsene!

Update: the Daily Telegraph (which I don’t normally read, honestly) has just linked us with  a £3 million move for Vitesse Arnhem goalkeeper Piet Velthuizen. Apparently, the 22-year-old said he’d be up for a move to Arsenal, and also said: “I don’t just want to be a top ‘keeper, I want to be the world’s best.”  He also said he wants to be “that star up in the sky”, “that mountain peak up high” and ”that little bit of hope when your back’s against the ropes”. Don’t we all, Piet, don’t we all.

My apologies for the lateness. I was having a steak.

Spurs, rather sweetly, have released the first images of their proposed new stadium, which is to be called ‘White Elephant Lane’. I know this sounds like a joke, but it’s all been explained. Apparently the Elephant was Spurs’ original heraldic symbol, but was replaced at the beginning of the century because it gave a false impression of the team’s stature, and also was considered racist by people living under British colonial rule in India. Club chairman Daniel Levy said:

‘We hope that by calling the stadium ‘White Elephant Lane’ we can prove to the supporters that we have a sense of humour about our stadiums as well as our squad selection, and also tap into an important part of the club’s heritage.’ Harry Redknapp has yet to comment.

I didn’t read it in detail, but the gist of the bumf seemed to be that the ground would be a fitting museum to a once-famous football side, and also (and this is equally clear from the pictures) the architectural equivalent of a tribute band to our own stadium. If the Emirates is Abba, White Elephant Lane will be Bjorn Again. If we’re Oasis, they’re Noasis. If we’re Madness, they’re badness. And so on, and so forth. People will disagree, but I think the whole spectacle is quite endearing, somewhat reminiscent of a small boy trying on his father’s shoes and suit jacket, and then clomping around the house talking about how he’s ‘going to work’.

Oh well – it’s just a phase, they’ll grow out of it soon. You’ve got to hope that there’s some amused Arsenal fans on the board for planning applications who let it go ahead, if only so we get the plaintive cries of twenty thousand Spurs fans echoing around their vast empty stadium as the club gently haemorrhages cash to death. Surely no Spurs fan would ever support the venture…

In Arsenal news, Rio Ferdinand has written off our title hopes. Given that many of us fans (though not myself) have written off our title hopes, this is not too surprising, but then again what kind of a scoop were you seriously expecting from the retarded-Egyptian looking bastard? Whatever Rio Ferdinand wants for Christmas, I hope he doesn’t get.Vieira has also dipped his oar in (origins, anyone?) by suggesting that we have quality but not experience. I guess that makes us the footballing equivalent of the really good looking fourteen-year old who’s not done much pulling. All we need is to go out on the town a bit, perhaps find an old lady who can show us the ropes, and we’ll be good to go.

Here’s to hoping that Liverpool can provide the proverbial old lady of our title ambitions, and that we can duff them at the weekend. For some reason I’m more apprehensive about the Liverpool match than I was about United and Chelsea. I might be wrong. Anyway enough on that for the time being. I’ve got to go and pen a strongly-worded letter to whichever confederation of charlatans organised the vote-rigging of the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award and gave it to that fat-legged pedal-pushing humour-bereft Scotsman Chris Hoy in favour of the love of my life Becky Adlington with her wonderful swimming shoulders.