Up For Grabs Now

The grumpy rumblings coming from Arsene Wenger in his pre-match yesterday suggest to me that he has his bony professorial finger on the stuttering pulse of the bloated Arsenal Blogmonster and he doesn’t like the kind of guff he’s being subjected to. Yesterday it seemed like he’d had enough and decided to well and truly take the piss out of his haters using the official website.

“First off,” he tells his press secretary (we shall call her “Clive” for argument’s sake) ”Let’s have an article headlined “Why Bendtner Will Come Good“, replete with a cryptic explanation based on something to do with the amount of “pressure” the poor boy puts on himself. That’ll get them going for starters!” 

You thought he wasn’t trying at all? You thought he’d been taking motivational classes from Eboue? You couldn’t be more wrong! Nicklas’ current streak of banjo-wielding cow’s arse avoidance is because the poor boy’s trying way too hard. Stifling his own talent through sheer burgeoning effort. Scrapping for every ball, dashing blindly down every alley, constant hustle and bustle – that’s his game. Sure you might not notice it by, for example, watching him play, but that’s not the point here is it?

Not content with the outpouring of wrath this playful article inspires, Arsene scratches his gaunt professorial chin. He has an idea. “Clive!” he cries, leaping from his professorial chair. “Clive! I’ve got it.” He whispers his plan in Clive’s ear. She is visibly shaken.

“You can’t do that Arsene, they’ll go berserk! You know how sensitive they are about your transfer policy at the moment. The other day I read someone who honestly wanted you to buy back Igor Stepanovs just so that he could see photos of the shirt presentation on the Daily Mirror website. He said he’d take a decent shirt presentation ceremony over three points against Boro any day!”

“Oh yes I can do it,” replies Arsene gleefully. “And I will. Advertise a live question and answer session. Do it now. Call it something seedy, something slightly Babestation. How about “Exclusive Arsene Wenger Webchat“? Is that too obvious? A bit much? Oh, go for it then, we might as well go full-frontal on this one! And kick it off with something really tantalising. Something like “What have you always wanted to ask Arsene Wenger?“”

“Right. Now in about 3 hours I want you to put up another article saying “I won’t answer transfer questions“. And put something in about how good our youngsters are and how bright the future’s going to be – they absolutely hate hearing that. Those bastards will have been dead excited readying their lairy demands and idiotic recommendations – I want them to know I’ll be having none of it. They’re always just like [here Arsene affects high-pitched voice] ‘Ooh, Arsene, go and buy us Ronaldinho, yeah? Ooh Arsene, I can’t believe you sold Oleg Luzhniy he’d be perfect for our defence right now. Ooh Arsene, why don’t you sign Stewart Downing?” Well I can’t take any more of it!”

Enough of that, save to say that Arsene’s Friday wind-up went down an absolute treat. Next week you can look forward to headlines like “Wenger – Why Alex Song is an Arsenal Legend already” and “Wenger – why I wouldn’t sign Messi even if he came free with my Gardener’s World subscription”.

Boro today. Not a happy hunting ground of late. Especially galling is that we seem to keep conceding to Jeremie Aliadiere whose only notable quality is that he is supremely well endowed in the vowel department. Count them – 10 last time I checked.

Expect to see sudden recoveries from the likes of Captain Cesc, Sagna, RvP, Ade and Gael and for Djourou to retain his place in central defence. Also expect an afternoon packed with Out Of Position Diaby and Inappropriate Outbursts of Song. And Eboue. Yum, just what we Gooners love to see.

I’ll be making no predictions ahead of this one as there’s really no point. Suffice to say that as an impatient modern supporter I’m just about prepared to accept a repeat of our 7-0 duffing a couple of years ago. And if Eboue can pull off something like this, (intentionally or no) then all the better frankly.

Finally, we have again been linked with a move for the superbly named Sagna/Drogba hybrid Gervinho (an Ivorian forward at Le Mans who can also play on the wing). Real name? Gervais Yao Kouassi. Brazilian lineage? None. The guy has grasped the crucial fact that with a Brazilian sounding name and a lot of hair, you can make yourself instantly attractive to visiting scouts who have one eye on how this is all going to look when it comes down to a shirt presentation ceremony.

Sources close to Wenger report that should Gervinho sign in January, Arsene will insist that he change his name further to “Margervinho” to comply with his strict policy of only playing strikers whose names make reference to The Simpsons, though this will disappoint a section of fans who had been looking forward to having a player called Gervais, for obvious reasons.

Oh, and it’s Sp*rs-United later on, that most perplexing of fixtures for Gooners. Who do you want to lose more? Both of them, really. I’m hoping for a fractious draw, as many suspensions as possible and, if we’re really lucky, points deductions all round.

Tags: Alex Song, Arsenal, Arsene Wenger, Babestation, Clive, Emmanuel Eboue, Gervinho, Nicklas Bendtner

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