Archive for January, 2009

Nil nil, write if you miss Robin. The truth about Emmanuel Eboue.

Saturday, January 31st, 2009

Ughhhhh.

We’re getting good at this, aren’t we?

 

Toothless. ‘Good at defending’, said Arsene. What rot. There was nothing to defend. It’s a bit like Israel being asked ‘So, how about that Gaza, eh, that’s a bit crap isn’t it?’ and them responding ‘No, I think we’re defending very well’.

 

Toothless, despite the introduction of Carl for the injured Eboue, which I think everyone was hoping would show him for the Mexican wonderboy he might be. It wasn’t so.

 

It would be wrong to say that I’m celebrating it, but in honour of his injury I have composed a few short verses to Emmanuel Eboue, and all his knowledge of What Arsene Did Last Summer. Bear with me – it’s to the tune of a famous pop song:

 

I know you know What Arsene Did

It won’t excuse your being shit

But you don’t really care for football do ya?

 It goes like this – we’re fourth, we’re fifth

Though Spurs will fall and give us a lift

 

We’re all still delighted that you’re injured

 

Oh Eh-boo-eh

Oh Eh-boo-eh

Oh Eh-boo-eh

You are inn, in-in-in, in-in jured

 

Feel free to add your own verses if you fancy it.

 

On the plus side we didn’t lose, and our unbeaten run continues. Why Van Persie wasn’t playing I’ll never understand. Arsenal have scored 8 goals in January. Robin Van Persie has scored 3, and has 5 assists. 3 and 5 equals? You do the maths. Nicklaus Bentdner is, let us make no mistake, bad at playing football.

 

It’s doubly frustrating since Villa drew too, and though I never thought I’d find myself writing this it’s important that we try to close the gap on Villa before things get really out of hand, particularly given the fixture flurry headed our way what with replays and CL.

 

I’m not talking about transfers. It’s too sad.

 

But you can, if you like.

Right-wing Protests as Arshavin gets Work Permit

Friday, January 30th, 2009

The Daily Heil newspaper has launched a stinging attack on UK immigration authorities after they agreed to grant strigiformic winger Andrei Arshavin a work permit for his job on Arsenal’s right wing. An official statement by Immigration UK said they had licensed Mr Arshavin’s arrival on the basis of “owlish good looks and a rare eye for goal”.

Deputy Editor Adolf Powell, who took time out from savaging the Human Rights Act 1998 to join the protest, told UpForGrabsNow he was “appalled” at the decision, and that he felt sure it had been motivated by “political correctness gone mad, yet again”.

He added that he believed Arsenal’s midfield was being overrun by migrant workers, and offered the example of Emmanuel Eboue, a 25 year-old man from Abidjan, Ivory Coast, who Powell claims has been spotted acting suspiciously in and around Arsenal’s midfield for some months. Powell described Eboue as “a hopeless layabout“.

He suggested that at a time of rising unemployment Arsenal would have been better to sign a home-grown talent such as Pascal Chimbonda instead.

When he was informed that Arshavin, like Powell, intends to work on the right wing, Powell replied: “I’m not sure about that to be honest. Us right-wingers don’t usually involve ourselves with his sort.”

Asked whether he was a supporter of Tottenham Hotspur, alleged ”FC”, Powell declined to comment.

Van Persie is a God: Arshavin 90 per cent a Gooner

Thursday, January 29th, 2009

A disappointing performance at Everton. We failed to sustain any meaningful threat on the Everton goal (or penalty area) as the Islington Shuffle just sort of fell apart. Directionless in recent games, this goal-shy rambling around approach to the game would at least have been better than what we saw last night.

Everton are a good side, strikerless or otherwise, and their midfield made it tough right from the start. We defended fairly reasonably, but we’re lucky they didn’t have Yakubu or Saha to call upon.

That said, there’s something about this Arsenal team, isn’t there? They’ve got something. Admittedly they don’t have Thierry Henry, a ridiculously long unbeaten run, a love of going 3 goals up in the first 9 minutes of home games, or any chance of the title, but they’ve got something else which some much grander Arsenal teams in recent years haven’t really had. The ability to score at the death in crunch situations. Could come in handy in the Cups.

The draw wasn’t what we wanted, but a defeat would have been disastrous. Step up Robin Van Persie with yet another quality goal for the compilation-makers. If Robin had been doing this for the Invincibles, you’d be hearing a lot more about it in the press. I think it’s important to appreciate the top class players we do have regardless of press coverage (though you can see how far that can get you in public esteem - witness Ronaldo’s gong show) rather than simply bemoan the team’s performance and conclude that none of the players are as good as they were ‘back in the day’. Which day? Circa February 2004, probably.

On UpForGrabsNow, we don’t mention Arshavin unless Arsene mentions him first, which he did last night, saying the deal is “90%” done, but sounding a note of caution, essentially that Arshavin might change his owlish mind and have his head turned (geddit?) in other directions and bigger pots of cash. I’m not sure whether to believe the media on this one. They’ve lied so many times on this story that for once it really is a case of waiting for the official website to start giving away complementary Arshavin desktop backgrounds showing the owlish one grinning coldly at London Colney.

I rather suspect that, while wages may be a minor issue, it is rather Arsenal’s insistence on naming rights that’s holding up that extra 10% of the deal. That is, the right to rename Arshavin as ‘Arse’vin’ in accordance with our policy on staff whose names are considered to be (and I quote club statute here) “phonetically related to the name of the football club sufficiently that their existing name could be altered to include the word “Arse” without causing undue confusion.”

Incidentally, I’d like to register what may prove to be a historic disagreement with Grabber on Arse’vin.

I think he’s going to sign, and I think he will prove to be a class signing for the club. I’ve had enough of Eboue on the wing and am pining for a winger who’ll get us 10-15 goals a season. Arse’vin looks like a good solution to me. Not the only one. Perhaps not the best one out there. Perhaps quite an expensive one in the end. But his signing will be very good news for Arsenal.

Don’t forget our fantastic Philosophy Football giveaway: you can win a fantastic and strictly unofficial Arsénal t-shirt. Grabs and I both have them and they’re brill – to enter simply answer the question:

Who was Arsene Wenger managing when he joined Arsenal?

Email your answer to admin@philosophyfootball.com with the heading Up For Grabs Now Competition – deadline for entries is 28 February. In the meantime feel free to visit their website: lots of good stuff on it… http://www.philosophyfootball.com/new_win.html

And finally do please remember you can now sign up for Up For Grabs Now emails, delivering you the most eloquent and intelligent Arsenal waffle straight to your inbox, so you no longer have to worry about checking to see how lazy we’ve been: sign up using the box below.

Your email:

 

No Arshavin, thank the Lord. Everton preview and live discussion

Wednesday, January 28th, 2009

 

Evening all, after another little hiatus in the Up For Grabs Now train of glory… 

A positively splendiferous evening in store tonight, with a full gamut of Premiership games to look forward too. With United seeming to have discovered their typically scary New Year form last night it’s absolutely crucial that we get something out of tonight. Everton are not to be sniffed at at home, even without any strikers, and it’s going to be tough.

 

Personally I’m just pleased that we appear not to be signing Arshavin, which I never wanted, and that we’ve got the chance to put some points on the board and show a bit of intent. Actual football is always better than all of this transfer malark anyway. I’ll be online throughout, so if you want to hurl abuse, share your thoughts etc (our American friends particularly welcome) then do feel free…

 

My team -what do you reckon?

 

Almunia


 

Sagna – Djourou – Gallas – Clichy


 

Diaby – Denilson – Song – Nasri


 

Adebayor – van Persie

 

 

Come on the, er, boys…

 

Also, don’t forget to enter our Philosophy Football competition – see blogs below for details, and also that you can sign up to our email list below to guarantee you never miss a single gobbet of brilliance from our keys…

Your email:

 

Exclusive late transfer activity: Spurs buy Culous, sell Blime

Monday, January 26th, 2009
In a flurry of transfer window activity Tottenham Hotspur have sold Estonian striker Thesu Blime and bought the Togolese Ridi Culous for an undisclosed fee, believed to be in excess of £20m. Centre-half Culous was at the club previously before being sold to Middlesborough last year for £57.30, where he has kept 67 consecutive clean sheets whilst playing in a defence of one.
Blime, signed in 2007 for €150m after scoring 123 goals in ten games in the Estonian league, has been a disappointment at Spurs, where he crossed an assist for Darren Bent and scored a penalty in 70 appearances before tripping on a teasmaid and shattering his entire ribcage. Tottenham received £101 for the Estonian, who is moving to Hull City after expressing his desire to play in ‘a nicer area’.
 
Meanwhile Jimmel Ficksit, the young Englishman who has scored all of Spurs’ goals this season and said to be on the verge of the England squad has moved to Manchester United for twelve pounds, along with all of Tottenham’s other strikers and their bus driver. 

Manager Honest ‘Harry’ Redknapp said:
‘I can’t believe it. I have literally no idea what’s going on.’ 
Don’t forget, for more on key Tottenham news you can join our email subscription list and get it delivered fresh to your inbox – simply sign up using the box below…

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Limp against Cardiff but we still don’t need Arshavin

Monday, January 26th, 2009

 

Morning all.

I meant to write an instant response blog yesterday, but I couldn’t because I was too depressed. Firstly I was depressed because the lasagne I had in the Maypole (£8.50 it cost, the chuckling profiteers that they are) was disappointing, and secondly because my beloved Arsenal put in one of the limpest displays of the season against Cardiff. Thank god it was the FA Cup, is all I can say, and our limp display did not cost us points but only enforced a replay – frankly no bad thing, since on the back of that our lot are going to need all the help they can get.

The experience itself, however, was not without merit. Grabs and I watched it together with some other people, and during the long pauses between moments of any action at all, whilst Arsenal played round after round of flaccid Islington Shuffle, some interesting points came up, points such as whether or not Lukas Fabianski looks anything like Enrique Iglesias (‘July Churches’ – you’ve gotta love those Spaniards), and then whether or not Enrique Iglesias had ever actually advertised a range of small condoms (I checked – he has), and then whether Fabianski’s mole is as big as Flamini’s mole was.

So not much about the football then, but then again there wasn’t much football to be, er, much about. Cardiff began brightly, but then again so did James Dean, and he’s dead now, whilst Cardiff are very much not. The midfield looked weak: Ramsey looked out of his depth in particular, but the team as a whole just didn’t click. The extra gear these guys find for big games just wasn’t there and it’s incredibly frustrating to watch. I mean Islington Shuffle isn’t great at the best of times but sometimes at least it’s elegant. Yesterday we just looked a bit clumsy. 

Incidentally if anyone’s interested the finest piece of commentary on Islington Shuffle comes in Pro Evolution soccer 6, with the line ‘they’re stroking it around outside the box, looking for an opening’. If anyone can come up with a better football commentary innuendo my name’s not Grabber.

There were some positives.Van Persie looked good, and Nasri once again was effective in proportion to how central he found himself. In the absence of anyone else I really don’t see why he doesn’t start in the middle. And once they got going the defence looked ok for the most part, but they ought not to struggle much against the might of Jay Bothroyd.

So aside from these small graces it was an afternoon to forget, which is a bit of a shame since it was the only football for ages, and now we’re going to have to return to talking about Arshavin until the cows come home. There’s talk in the papers today about a deal finally being reached, but I can’t say I care either way anymore, especially not if it means the other midfielders are all going to start demanding more money. The grubbuckets.

Don’t forget our fantastic Philosophy Football giveaway: you can win a fantastic and strictly unofficial Arsénal t-shirt. Grabs and I both have them and they’re brill – to enter simply answer the question:

Who was Arsene Wenger managing when he joined Arsenal?

Email your answer to admin@philosophyfootball.com with the heading Up For Grabs Now Competition – deadline for entries is 28 February. In the meantime feel free to visit their website: lots of good stuff on it… http://www.philosophyfootball.com/new_win.html

And finally do please remember you can now sign up for Up For Grabs Now emails, delivering you the most eloquent and intelligent Arsenal waffle straight to your inbox, so you no longer have to worry about checking to see how lazy we’ve been: sign up using the box below.

Your email:

 


 

 

We still don’t need Arshavin, why didn’t we buy de Jong? the best competition in the world…

Saturday, January 24th, 2009

 Up For Grabs Now has exciting news: we’ve teamed up with our favourite purveyors of high-quality and innovative football t-shirts, Philosophy Football to provide an extra-special competition for you lucky readers.

Philosophy Football have franglaised ’Arsenal’ in tribute to Monsieur Wenger who has brought so much joie de vivre to the red half of North London. The design is inspired by the superb book Arsènal by Alex Fynn and Kevin Whichter, which is strongly recommended to anyone who prefers their Arsenal media to be high-quality and printed rather than low-quality and online.

The shirt is available from www.philosophyfootball.com we have 5 to be won in our February competition. To enter simply answer the following question:

What club was Arsène Wenger managing when he was appointed Arsenal Manager?

Send your answer to admin@philosophyfootball.com with full name, address and T-shirt size, with the subject heading ‘Up For Grabs Now competition’. Entries close 28 February. The site also has a host of good t-shirts, both Arsenal and general, perfect for the discerning football fan (i.e. all of you lot who read our superior guff).

In other news, we’re becoming increasingly erratic. Whilst before Up For Grabs Now was a haven of daily rubbish, we now concentrate the rubbish into gobbets every other day. As we get back into the football proper this will change. But for a while I hope you’ve enjoyed this little rest as much as Arsene seems to have.

This is all the more true since at the moment there is basically nothing going on to talk about, particularly since I refuse to discuss Andrei Arshavin until something happens for sure or not. I’ve already said I’m not sure what he’ll bring to the table, and from that point of view I’m happy the club seems unprepared to pay over and above the odds for him.

I’m more surprised that we haven’t brought in someone to shore up the middle, but then again the existing players aren’t as far off as people seem to think, and there hasn’t been much in the transfer window (aside from Man City and their comedy purchases).

Speaking of which, given that they’ve bought him I’m amazed that nobody, to my knowledge, ever mentioned Nigel de Jong as a prospective Arsenal target. About the right price and pedigree. Anyone know anything about this? Would he have been a good Arsenal player?

To continue our ‘laugh at Tottenham’ trend I found this little nugget of brilliance from ‘Onest ‘Arry on MSN:

Redknapp added: “He’s the only goalkeeper I’ve got and this is a football club that has been put together by I don’t know who and I don’t know how.It’s a mish-mash of players with people playing where they want to play. It’s scary.

Our love of Tottenham Hotspur condenses in the final sentence: ‘It’s scary’. Quite right ‘Arry, and we’re all delighted you’re on board to escort this mish-mash all the way into the Championship. Harharhar.

Now for Kung-Fu Panda. Come on the Arsenal for Cardiff tomorrow – we’ll have a full preview later, but I’m hoping there are some opportunities for the youngsters, and fingers crossed a returning certain E. da Silva…

The Really Big News for Arsenal today is…

Friday, January 23rd, 2009

… that Aston Villa’s captain Martin Laursen will be out injured for 2 months.

True, this isn’t as exciting as the story where we pretend to have scooped everyone else about the Russian fella while in fact slavishly quoting from the Daily Mail’s risible attempt at journalism.

 But Laursen’s injury could be even more important.

“What?” I hear you cry. “What on earth could be more important than our signing or not signing a Strigiformic (owlish) winger who I once saw on the telly? He even scored a goal! I mean, it’s been all over the papers and blogs and everything? What could possibly be more significant than that?”

To which I would coolly reply, Champions League football next season, that’s what. I’m hoping today’s news signals a change in Villa’s (so far very good) fortunes this season.

Both clubs are now skipperless. Sure, you can argue that with Knight, Davies and Cuellar still competing for places in their central defence, their squad is rather better prepared for their captain’s lay-off than our midfield is to compensate adequately for Cesc’s absence, and you’d be right, but Laursen’s lay-off is certainly good news for Arsenal.

I don’t mean to sound morbid, or like some sort of hideous Villa-obsessed twitcher, and of course it’s never nice to see footballers getting injured, especially when they’re on top form, as Laursen is. But over a season the way these things parcel themselves out around the different teams in a league can prove critical, and often has for Arsenal in the past.

Pre-Cardiff Wengerisms:

Denilson is a really good player who doesn’t get enough credit from the media. He sure doesn’t, Arsene, though I think even some Gooners of the more Le Grumble persuasion are beginning to see what a talent he is. Of course, on UpForGrabsNow, you won’t find anybody agreeing with media hype (or the lack of it).

Man Utd have got it easy. ‘Twas ever thus.

If we sign that Russian fella, good. If not, also good. Agreed(ish). This is not going to be among the many blogs hurling its toys out of its pram and demanding a shirt-presentation ceremony or seven to save our season. Unlike Grabber, I think Arshavin would be an outstanding signing, especially if it means Eboue can return to buttock-snogging the bench on a regular basis.

On balance, I’d say “If we sign that Russian fella, great! If not, not quite as great admittedly but still no cause for infantile hair-tearing web-based sulking.

LAUGH AT TOTTENHAM SPECIAL: Spurs, not Man City, are the real mugs in this market

Wednesday, January 21st, 2009

My fellow Arsenal fans.

Yesterday was an historic day. A momentous day when people all over the world looked on what they never thought was possible.

Many years from now, far down the corridors and hallways of this great nation’s history, our children’s children, and their children, and their children’s children’s children’s children, will look back on Tuesday 20th January 2009 in wonder. They will still be amazed at the generosity of the human spirit.

They will look back and they will ask how it could happen like this.

They will wonder how it happened that a young black man with a funny name and very little experience of high office could find himself joining Tottenham Hotspur for £14 million.

That young man’s name was Wilson R. Palacios, and in the ages to come he will stand as a symbol, strong and enduring, that in this great nation of ours anyone, absolutely anyone, regardless of talent or ability can win themselves an extortionate transfer to Tottenham Hotspur “FC” as long as they have what it takes.

That vital ingredient which lifts the spirit and forces Daniel Levy to once again abandon all sense of reason and decency:

A few speculative press stories linking you to Man Utd.

Yes, my fellow Arsenal fans, know that if you really want Tottenham to sign you and you can persuade some fat hack at the Mail to print some balderdash about United’s interest in you, then it will happen.

Know that Tottenham will make no discrimination of your footballing ability or market value before splurging their oodles of cash upon your head.

Know that they will never learn from their years and years of expensive, hubristic signings, empty trophy cabinets and sacked managers; that as long as you get them a quick headline they won’t mind if you’re not actually very good and will probably sell you to Sunderland or Portsmouth for sub-£2 million at the end of the season.

Know that if you play ok for Sunderland or Portsmouth then they will re-sign you for another ridiculous fee and that they will pay you a £70o,000 loyalty bonus.

All they ask is that you appeared in the same sentence as “Man Utd” and that this wasn’t in a match report in which you featured against Man Utd. When you have this, then know that Tottenham’s spirit of generosity, benevolence and chronic transfer market idiocy will know no bounds and they will stop at nothing until they have vastly overpaid for your distinctly mediocre services.

January 20th 2009. The day Tottenham changed the world carried on overpaying for the same old dross.

(Feel free to link this to any unfortunate Tottenham-supporting “mates”.)

In defence of the attack on Eboue, why we don’t need Arshavin

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

First blog for a while. Things have become very busy down UFGN towers, as we are in negotiations with Manchester City, who have offered us half a million euros to blog for them for a week. We said no, because we want to be blogging about a team in the Champions League and not some moron-managed relegation hopefuls.

 

Then first things first. Hands up if you love Robin van Persie?

 

I certainly do. I’ve been banging on to anyone who will listen (and quite a few who won’t) about our need for penetrative players, and RvP (crude rape-allegation jokes aside) has stepped up and started to provide it. One of the things people often forget about Thierry was how many goals he made, as well as scored, and that kind of consistent final-ball provider is exactly the kind of thing we’ve been lacking, maybe since he left…

 

In response to Grabs’ comments about Eboue, I can only reiterate my belief that he knows What Arsene Did Last Summer, and in the face of this fact all of the various comments people have been making about his ‘use as a utility player’ and his ‘ability to play everywhere’ seem a little ridiculous. They also seem ridiculous because I have never seen Eboue play at centre-back or in goal, and also never in the centre of midfield for more than ten seconds or up front. So when people say ‘he can play in any position’, they really mean ‘he can play anywhere in the peripheral positions where his calamitous defensive howlers are slightly less likely to lead immediately to the concession of a goal, and his attacking ineptitude is likely to be glossed over because he might not be the person who finally loses the ball.’

 

Anyway. Rant over. For the time being.

 

This Arshavin saga goes on and on as well. I have no idea why we’re even talking about buying him. It’ll create all sorts of headaches. For instance what will our dream formation be? At the moment, with everyone fit, I think we look a bit like this:

 

Almunia

 

Sagna Toure Djourou Clichy

 

Walcott Fabregas Rosicky Nasri

 

Van Persie Adebayor

 

Subs: Fabianski/Denilson/Diaby/Bendtner/Vela/Wilshere/Ramsay

 

This is my preference, but I’m naturally attacking-minded from my childhood in the Marines, and don’t see why Rosicky and Fabregas can’t play together. Some of you no doubt will think that it looks a bit flimsy in the middle, but Nasri and Cesc can both tackle, and no doubt Rosicky and Walcott could be encouraged to as well. And swap one of Nasri or Rosicky for Denilson and you’re sorted.

 

But that, on paper, is a midfield which can do a lot of penetrating. Where does Arshavin play? Whilst it’s always nice to have players, I just don’t see why we need to spend £18m on a player who might not add anything, particularly when it looks as if we’ve got quality coming through for the foreseeable future…

 

There’ll be more on this in the next couple of days, one would imagine. Then we get to start worrying about football again. Which will be nice.