Up For Grabs Now

Poor old Grabber. So exasperated was he this morning to read the same old garbage about Kaka’s preposterous transfer to Manchester City and not a word about Arsenal’s impending signing spree, that he ripped off all of his clothes, dashed down to The Armoury, thrust his wallet triumphantly into the air and purchased a bottle of Alex Song Aftershave for the extortionate price of £12.00 right then and there.

“There’s my money you bastards!” he cried. “Now, look here. If I don’t see Charles N’Zogbia in here signing kids’ shirts by tomorrow lunchtime, I’m never going to waste another penny in this ridiculous boutique!”

Then, in full view of the check-out staff, he proceeded to rub every last drop of Alex Song Aftershave onto his baby-soft buttocks before hurling the empty bottle into the popular caps-and-hats section of the shop and making a dash for the door.

I, Grabs, can only apologise for the lunacy of my colleague.

His actions were rash, and his comments regrettable. He would also have done well to have waited until he had heard what Arsene had to say in his press conference this afternoon.

On Arshavin, the man whose name points towards a major tussle in the near future with Alex Song for the prized Arsenal cosmetics range endorsement deal, Wenger had this to say:

[We are] nowhere. That means we are not close to signing anybody. We know what we want to do, but we are not close to signing today because I would tell you. But there is no basic news. There again, we are in negotations yes but we want to respect our principles. I am very hopeful [of a deal]. We will know in days because the transfer window closes on February 2 and we have only crossed halfway. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. There again, we want to continue to improve here with the players we have.

Understood? Good.

Nope. Not a clue either. Not the foggiest idea what he is barking on about. We are in negotiations but we probably won’t sign anybody because of the players we’ve got, though he’s very hopeful that we will sign somebody – except if we don’t. And if we do sign somebody it will be within the next few days, the rationale for this being that there is loads of transfer window still to go. Got it?

Still more impressive was this, in reference to the return from injury of Walcott, Rosicky, Eduardo and Cesc:

That is like being on a transfer market for us.

Hopefully this means that Arsene has finally understood that the important things about signing players is the shirt-holding-up ceremony and the headlines. He should really talk to the Arsenal press office about this.

Hello, press office? Hi, yes, it’s Arsene here. Just wanted to have a little word about transfer policy. Yup. Mmm Hmmm. Yes I thought you’d say that.

Anyway, what I was hoping was that from now on every time one of our players returns from injury you can feed the story to the national press that they have in fact signed for us, ok? … Do you see what I mean? Right… How are you meant to do that when they already play for us and may or may not have been recently appointed club captain? … It’s a good question…

I guess just do, like, y’know, a shirt-holding-up ceremony thing, some sort of press conference where they tell everyone how happy they are to finally be joining Arsenal, invent a new name for them – anagrams on existing ones would be good! (it’ll save on buying new plastic letters for the Armoury). Oh, and make up a credible transfer fee, nothing too extreme, you know. That sort of thing. I really don’t think anyone will notice. Does that all sound ok? Great.

Hopefully I’ll be signing Gallas and Silvestre in a couple of weeks so maybe start working on that if you want to plan ahead, ok? Great. Look forward to it. Bye!

So,  please don’t be fooled when Arsene unveils a strapping new French centre-half named Mailwil Lagsal. He’s not 23 and we didn’t pick him up for £3 million from River Plate.

And remember – you heard it here first.

Tags: Andrei Arshavin, Arsenal, Mailwil Lagsal

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 15th, 2009 at 3:57 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.