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Squillaci wo-oh. Squillaci, wo-oh
In such sweet rhymes our defenders sometimes go

Willy Gallas fucked off at long long last
Thinking we’d forget his cuntishnesses past

On Sa’day we looked alright at the back
But Blackpool were a pile of tangeriney cack

Who knows what further citrus gags await
Though zesty I fear they might start to grate

Squillaci is a silly-sounding name
But though funny, that line’s no real shame

He has so far plied his happy trade
In Seville, source of wondrous Marmalade

Their famous Barber I presume is known to him
He lacks a single hair ‘pon his Gallic chin

He must Pollyfilla our defensive cracks
Against Drogba make no ill-conceivéd hacks

Welcome, new Gooner Saint Sébastien
We beg no tantrums against Birmingham

Try a bit and you’ll try more than him before
And Harry Redknapp’s mother is a whore.

Dear Hotspur, T
This must be
The apogee
Of your attempts to avenge Sol Campbell.

It ranks with the triumphant parading
Of Rohan Ricketts.

Oh, Rohan Ricketts!

Why do you now trade your sorry ply at
Moldovan Intertoto Cup outsiders FC Dacia Chişinău?
Was it because you went to Tottenham?

If Gallas wants some Ricketts, he can have them:
Dennis, God, the real red 10,
Knows ‘Cappy’ (sometime ‘Crappy’)
Has had every other injury besides.

Besides which, he wasn’t nice to Kolo,

And now he’ll limp beside Trauma King and Surgery Woodgate.

He wasn’t a good defender
And when he used to score
With his famous penis
(Deft from corners sometimes)
It somehow felt just slightly not as good
As every other time that Arsenal score.

The fanshare scheme (recently announced)
Grants fans the chance to purchase up to 12% of the club
This is more than a ninth,
But less than an eighth.

It is good news for fans of sharing
Shares in fans remain unaffected

Lady Nina Bracewell-Smith has no interest
Alisher Usmanov,
interestingly
Has too much.

Stan Kroenke is interested in lip hair.
But disinterested about splitting hairs
Over club shares. Which is interesting.
A share is just a hunny
Usmanov’s just a cunny

Mr Gazidis
I hope that you read this

(For)

I don’t mean to be demeaning,
But I”m a fan of your scheming.

Joe Cole, oh. Oh, Joe Cole.
Joe Cole – you looked reasonably lively.
Joe Cole – you were sent off for a tackle
That was suspicious, described as
‘Uncharacteristic’ by many.

Like the suicide of Dr David Kelly.

Unlike him, Joe Cole, you were going to sign for us,
But instead you went northwest: home of signers-on.
But not coal.
That, as everyone knows, is from Newcastle.
Which is why you should never take coal there.
It is futile.
Much like trying to persuade Arsene Wenger that,
Manuel Almunia is not a goalkeeper of sufficient calibre
To start games for a team with title ambitions.

We hoped for a reign of terror
But all we got was a Reina error

And one-one, and no-one won

It will do, for now

But soon we will need more than homophones.