Up For Grabs Now

With all the doom-mongering and transfer-related whingeing that’s been going on, only the very perceptive will have emerged from this summer having retained the memory of Arsenal actually owning any players whatsoever. And some good ones, too.

Grabber has done a fine job of swarthily surveying our array of attacking players like the seasoned trooper that he is. Now it’s my turn, with the case for the defence.

Manuel Almunia: combines a career as a top-flight goalkeeper with a part-time role as a German-baiting waiter. Also combines being Spanish with being English, and not getting picked for Spain with not getting picked for England. An Arsene favourite. For years completely unfancied by all, sundry, and everyone else as a bench-warming, cross-flapping enigma, you’ve got to admire the pluck of the man Mad Jens once complained had “only started playing football aged 30″.  Hope he stays fit.

Lukasz Fabianski: A blonde girl in a pub once told me that Fabianski is the best looking Arsenal player since Flamini. Be that as it may, his carefully slicked down fringe didn’t do much to quieten the howls of agony when he inexplicably charged past the onrushing Drogba at Wembley in the spring. Still, we all make mistakes, and he’s made some decent saves. Only 24, and improving. But hope Manuel stays fit.

Gael Clichy: A big season for Gael as he tries to dislodge Evra from the France team. Evra looks permanently furious and fights with passing groundsman at the drop of a rake. Clichy is extraordinarily fast, but developed a nasty tendency to fall over at crucial periods, such as in injury time against the hated foe. Hopefully this will be stamped out and he will finally learn to shoot. A top player who should be looking to last the season this year.

Bacary Sagna: Arguably the best player in the world. Sure, you’d have to argue that one pretty well, but if we had eleven Bacary Sagnas… well, I’d stick four in defence and the rest would have to compete with the others for places. One could probably play in midfield somewhere. And we might get away with playing a couple in the Ladies team. A magnificent defender, a soldier, and a gentleman.

Thomas Vermaelen: If you can’t sign Nemanja Vidic, why not sign someone who looks a bit like him? Steely of eye, iron of jaw and proud of forehead, Vermaelen has all the physical attributes to prove the doubters wrong about Wenger’s ability to buy defenders. Plus, he’s captained Ajax already and at 24 should have valuable experience and some great years ahead of him. I think he will prove to be a very shrewd buy.

William Gallas: Still here. After all the huffing and sulking, Wenger did the unthinkable and got rid of plucky Kolo instead, which leaves a lot of responsibility with Gallas. Unfairly maligned for his generally solid performances in my opinion, Gallas’ experience will be hugely important. He should realise that it’s his last season at the top, nail his colours to the mast and play a blinder. Could still be a world-beating stopper for us if his head is right and he can gel with Vermaelen.

Johan Djourou: Cited by Wenger as one of the many (three) tall players in our squad, this could be a breakthrough year for the young swiss, who has clearly muscled himself well ahead of Senderos in the picking order. Must steer clear of injury, but a first team spot is certainly not beyond him this season.

Emmanuel Eboue: So good, we profiled him twice. Arguably the best player in the world. Mad, bad, and often dangerous to pass to. Let’s hope that when he does get on he plays in defence, that he continues to cut inside so thrillingly (and entirely unpredictably) and that he wins a penalty at Old Trafford with a dive so egregious that it shocks the world. Reportedly wanted by Barcelona as a replacement for the tediously magnificent Dani Alves, and who can blame them?

Back 4 Extras: Arsene Knows. More than anything he seems to know how to find lithe quicksilver young left full-backs. Kieran Gibbs will have to fight it out with Armand Traore to be Clichy’s back up this year, though both players could surely also be useful on the wing if pressed into action. Mikael Silvestre continues to cement his place as a firm fans favourite, which is why we all hope he’s used sparingly.

Alex Song: Turned himself into a bit of a lynch-pin by the end of last season, though that was partly because we didn’t have any other players left. A good start could see him kick on to become a major force, though you still wonder if Wenger doesn’t see him as a defender. The face of Arsenal’s cosmetics range, there is still time to make yourself smell like Song. Prone to dozing off against correctly-termed lesser teams, our soft underbelly is likely to completely collapse without him, unless we get another defensive midfielder soonish.

Denilson: Famously “not as good as Kaka”, as the woman behind me repeatedly insists on pointing out, Denilson is a very promising talent, who must be looking to really impose himself on the team this year. Blessedly injury-averse, the ever-present young square-pass merchant isn’t going to convince everyone, but he’s convinced Mr Wenger, who will want him, like Song, to add a bit of grit and consistency to his game. Also like Song, likely to be the scapegoat for any poor results.

Aaron Ramsey: Tidy, skilful and a future mainstay. Looked overawed at points last year, but should know his way around by now. Not one to hang about and clearly convinced of his ability (just in a Welsh, rather than Danish way, if you get me) Aaron is likely to see a lot of gametime, especially if no other central midfielders arrive. Did I mention that some Arsenal fans want to see a defensive midfielder brought in?

Prognosis: The patient is a bit off-colour for this time of year, and looks thin around the middle. Would benefit from a muscular injection in defensive midfield and centre-half. What an original conclusion.

Thank God the season’s here. There’s been far too much Arsene-bashing from the press and some fans, and futile, circular, transfer-related harping. A win on Saturday would be the best way to forget all about it.

Today we’ve got: Sweaty Eboue in Portuguese Romp Sensation, The Future of Cesc and a daring exposé of the extraordinary rationale behind Arsene Wenger’s transfer market tomfoolery.

First off, last night. It was a bit pants, wasn’t it?  A very under-strength team sent to Porto apparently with the frank instruction not to bother. Nobody playing last night did themselves any great favours, though Ramsey and Vela looked fairly encouraging and would surely have looked even better had they been part of a high-strength Arsenal team rather than the diet version.

There seems to have been a lot of internet credulity towards the sudden injuries afflicting our most senior players which meant none of them could even travel to the game. Concerned, 37, from Nuneaton wrote in to say “I’m so surprised that Fabregas, Sagna, Clichy, Van Persie, Adebayor and Toure are all injured – they looked fine on Saturday. I really hope they’ll be back for Saturday!”

Don’t you worry Concerned, they’ll be back for Boro sure as Gael’s a Gooner. Arsene was just playing silly buggers with Uefa.

Eboue’s return passed off largely without gaffe or aplomb. Not that I really know what aplomb actually constitutes – it just sounds sort of bouncy and flag-waving and since I didn’t see either of these things from Eboue yesterday I think it’s fair to say that he returned without aplomb. Though he did hurl his sweaty number 27 shirt into the crowd, so, erm, congratulations to the long suffering no-doubt delighted Gooner on the other end of that.

No originality points for pointing out that Bendtner had another poor game, losing the ball at important moments with chronic regularity. Would be interested to know just how thin Goonerish patience is wearing with him. I’m not really sure why, but I still think he’ll be worth it in the long run.

All of which means we’ll be playing one of AS Roma, Panathinaikos, FC Barcelona, Bayern Munich or Juventus. You’d obviously pick Panathinaikos as the one you’d want while Barca, fun as that would be, is probably not what we need at this stage. Some BBC chappie wrote that if we drew them we’d have no chance. Must be because the BBC doesn’t have the rights to the Premiership – didn’t he see us beat United and Chelsea, teams at least on a par with Barca right now?

Nothing to fear I reckon and as many people have been pointing out, we only play well against the big teams because that’s the only time when any of our players can be collectively arsed.

Talking of Barca, much quoted around the British press this morning is Captain Cesc who has unfortunately done another interview with Radio Marca:

Everybody knows that one day I will return to Spanish football. It’s an experience I want to live. I want to play in Spain as a professional before I retire. The idea has always been the same. That’s why I signed such a long contract.

If these remarks are not being hideously mistranslated and decontextualised, then this sounds like a time-frame – another 6 years at Arsenal then off to Barca. I reckon Cesc may well have a similar view of contracts to Arsene, that is, you sign them for a reason and you stick to them (remember Arsene joined us late because he wouldn’t shave even a couple of months off his Grampus 8 tenure?

Seeing as Cesc obviously does want to go to Spain at some point in his career isn’t it in Arsenal’s interests to know in advance when that is going to be so that the inevitable speculation can be brushed aside (at least within the club) and plans can be made to fill the huge gap he will eventually leave? A relatively neat solution to an awkward problem, the problem of a loyal player who really loves the club, but who naturally wants to play for Barca, the team that is in his blood, at some stage. 

I’ve always had a niggling suspicion that something like this might have been agreed upon, and it was a suspicion which grew wings when we signed Ramsey in the summer. He looks to me like a future midfield engine to be groomed under Fabregas as his long-term replacement.

Very interested to know your views on this.

Finally, yesterday Grabber pointed out that with Homer and Carl already involved, all we needed was a Lenny to complete the world’s first Simpson’s-based strikeforce. Terrifying indeed. Well, guess what? If the newspaper reports were right in November then that’s exactly who will be arriving in January – Palmeiras’ pint-sized scoring sensation Lenny!

So there it is, UpForGrabsNow has scooped the world’s media. This stuff about signing talented youngsters is just a cover for Arsene’s crazed attempt to assemble a team of Simpson’s characters. The next time you see a player linked with the club, you’ll know if Arsene’s really interested by his name.

Xabi Alonso? Don’t remember seeing him in Springfield Elementary too often, do you? Little known Bolivian hardman Barney Gumblinho? Expect to see his popular “Gumblinho 48″ shirt all over the Emirates come January.

1. Fabregas. You’ve gotta love him. He’s one of the very few footballers who seems to understand what it’s like being a fan and how terrified we are when someone starts claiming that your best player wants to leave. I thought the Out of Contextness of the comments yesterday was so obvious and the jump from Cesc saying “Milan are a great club” to headlines like ”CESC WANTS OUT!” was so big that it was very obviously bollocks. Soon there will be a whole industry (hold on, there is, it’s called the Spanish media) dedicated to asking Cesc innocuous questions and then twisting his polite replies into dire threats of his imminent departure. It really isn’t going to go away as it’s a perennially big story which the papers can run over and over again without doing any actual work, which is exactly the kind of story journalists love.

Yet still, great man that he is, Captain Cesc takes the time to issue a short statement on Arsenal.com effectively saying “don’t worry, it’s all bollocks I’m staying here”. Thierry Henry used to say he wouldn’t respond to every story about his future because if he did he’d have to be doing it all the time and the stories would just come back next week. Well, Cesc does it all the time and it doesn’t exactly seem to be a full-time job, Thierry, and yes he is balancing brief statement-making with the captaincy. Cesc seems to realise that though the stories won’t go away, what matters when Arsenal fans see these stories is that they have some kind of confirmation that they are the same old guff.

Captain Cesc, we salute you. You are a warrior and a gentleman.

2. Eduardo is coming back! Arsene has said he’s been playing training matches, will be back as quickly as possible and should be getting games soon! I think we all know that we shouldn’t expect too much of the boy especially when he first gets back, but I can’t really stop myself thinking about how great it will be to see him back in the shirt and how incredible it would be if he got back to his pre-injury level of performance. It could also be vital for our season, though the icy realist in me (he’s called Olie and he’s been having a great time all season) keeps insisting that we’re unlikely to see him back at anything like his best until next season. Still, haste ye back, Dudu.

3. We’re going to annihilate Wigan. I can feel it. I know as I write this that I might end up eating a My Words roast on Sunday with a My Words sauce and My Words dumpling but I’ll go for this anyway: I think we may have turned some kind of corner. I know we’ve had more than a few false dawns and I don’t expect everything to suddenly be hunky-dory again, but I don’t think we’re going to see as much utter piffle as we’ve been subjected to in recent weeks.

My confidence for the Wigan game is based on two things. Firstly, Wigan are really bad and Titus Bramble plays for them. Secondly, the kids got duffed in the Carling Cup and two of our most abject first team displays have followed triumphant Gunnerlings victories. Not so this time. I expect a three-points-sandwich for Saturday’s supper.

4. Veet-hair-removal-cream-nemesis Ryan Giggs, a player for whom I have infinitely more respect than the detestable Roy Keane (see previous post, the guy resigned by text message – what a clown), has hailed Aaron Ramsey as the future of Welsh football. If this sounds a bit like saying that consonants are the future of the Welsh language it’s because it is, a bit. There’s not much competition from the vowels, admittedly, but I reckon Giggs has seen enough promising young players to have a pretty shrewd idea when you’re looking at a future great and this is what he seems to be saying with Ramsey.

5. Finally, today’s your last chance to enter our Sagnatastic Chant Composition Competition. Write us a top new Arsenal chant and pop it in the comments section and if yours emerges on top from the bloody struggle with all the other entries then we will richly reward you with a crown of laurels* and a photo of Bacary Sagna, signed by His Majesty The Right Back himself. You might as well give it a go.

* the crown of laurels aspect of the prize is purely metaphorical, an e-crown of laurels to be worn with pride.

Update: An additional reason why it’s great to be a Gooner today – Ronaldo almost signed for us but didn’t. Hmm. Don’t know how much support that’s going to get as a reason to feel great, but you will admit that the guy is a complete tool whose victory in the Ballon d’Or was a shame for football. Plus we had Reyes instead, didn’t we. Hmm. I can see this is going to be difficult, so let’s move on.

Can anyone make a whole team of players we nearly signed who then went on to greatness? This might be a bit painful, but off the top of my head there was Cech and Ronaldo (both of whom we were very close to), Terry might have been on the cards before Abramovich arrived, Robinho was fairly close before he went to Madrid and Torres was looked at very seriously when he was 17. Wenger almost signed Makelele before he went to Spain. God, this is depressing – anyone remember any others?

That was fun, wasn’t it? The Junior Gunners dished out a stylish 3-0 thumping to a full-strength Wigan team. I saw the Wigan line-up and thought to myself ”Ok, so there’s no Heskey and the poor buggers have been forced to start Titus Bramble. Wait, hold on, what’s that? You mean Bruce actually chooses to have Titus in his team every week? That’s crazy-talk, at his best he’s a sort of nightmarish version of Pascal Cygan! Vela will eat him alive!”

And how the little scamp gorged himself on Titus’ tender flesh. Wenger has the pleasing knack of finding players so extraordinarily speedy that their favourite trick is simply to hoof the ball into loads of space, giving the defender a 15-20 yard start before tearing past them in a hilarious display of rapidity (I’m thinking Thierry, Overmars, pre-insanity Anelka, Gael, Theo). The second and third goals yesterday put Carlos Vela firmly in this category.

For the second Carlos tore past Boyce down the left before unselfishly crossing for Jay Simpson, who took both of his goals very well, crashed an early shot against the crossbar, and would have had all the headlines to himself in a normal game. What took those headlines off him was quite simply one of the single best touches of a football by any foot belonging to a representative of Arsenal Football Club. The only one I can think of as definitely being better was the one with which The Great Dennis Bergkamp humiliated The Distinctly Average Nikos Dabizas in 2002, though I’d love to know if anyone can think of others. 

Sprinting at full tilt and with Bramble charging towards him, Carlos struck a chip so good that God ought to have dashed downstairs, frozen it in time, bubble-wrapped the entire Emirates Stadium and turned it into an official World Heritage Site. Truly, a chip of outstanding natural beauty. The fans behind the goal watched it float in with open-mouthed astonishment. Actually, some of them even looked a bit scared. 

The great thing about this kid is that he doesn’t just score goals, he scores incredible goals, and watching him play he gives off the impression that he can do absolutely anything he likes with a football. I thought his link up play feeding Simpson in the first half was excellent, showing there’s more to his game than just incredible finishing.

Post-match, Arsene said he was very surprised that Carlos missed his first half chance. Good, so was I. In fact for a horrible moment I thought he’d caught the dreaded Arsenalitis and would be doomed to spend the rest of his career galivanting through opposition defences before needlessly pissing away great chances. We need more strikers who surprise you when they miss – they’re definitely better than the ones whose misses are buttock-clenchingly predictable. Arsene also referred to “the other team” who beat United. Yikes. No second and first teams any more then?

Two players who must be getting close to playing regularly for “the other team” are Ramsey and Wilshere. Both looked first class last night and I thought Charlie Nicholas (who couldn’t stop smiling, bless him) made an insightful comparison between Wilshere and Deco. Both are midfielders who seem to do everything required of the modern midfielder. Let’s hope that, like Deco, Jack leads his team (us, that is) to two European Cup triumphs. Let’s also hope that, unlike Deco, he doesn’t become a whingeing, cheating git who regularly competes with Cristiano Ronaldo at major international tournaments for the title of Most Despicable Human Being.

Finally, seeing Eduardo sitting on the bench in Arsenal kit made me feel all warm and nice. As would a crushing Liverpool victory at Shite Hart Lane tonight, come to think of it.