Up For Grabs Now

Not long to go now.

Tiny Totts are coming to the Emirates. Let’s hope we can dish out a long overdue pasting to make their Week of Hubris appear even sillier than it already does.

First there was the release of pictures of their new stadium, White Elephant Lane (aka Emirates Lite, Diet Ashburton, Theatre of Squirms). Paid for God only knows how by this puny minnow of the Premiership era, Tiny Totts deserve a healthy dollop of rack and ruin if they ever actually build it. Where does their money come from?

Then came Spurs’ bench-warmer and former Liverpool bench-warmer Robbie Keane claiming that Spurs had more strength in depth than Arsenal. I took this to mean that he is still bitter about never having made it as an elite player and being condemned to spend the best days of his career at a third rate club with no serious European aspirations. Certainly, there’s no way he can seriously be claiming that Spurs have better players than we do. Cos that’s just daft, plainly. Hasn’t he ever seen Arshavin play? Perhaps the wee Russian can show him a thing or two this afternoon.

And now Crazy Harry doesn’t fancy us. Which is fine. We don’t fancy you either you slack-jowled, watery-eyed, club-bankrupting, West Ham-relegating nobarse. He thinks we’re soft-centred and he might have a point. But let’s hope today Vermaelen headers the fuck out of anything that gets anywhere near our box.

In short, Spurs are feeling a lot better about themselves than they usually do, and it is incumbent upon Arsenal to return them to their natural state as the snivelling, bitter joke-club we know and hate.

Team News: Wenger has been saying nothing on this. Which means we might see Cesc and Arshavin rested and Eboue and Diaby included in an otherwise unchanged team from midweek. Today could be the day we finally see Eboue deployed as a lone striker. And what a day that could be.

Excited as I am at that prospect, I would slightly rather we actually started Almunia-Sagna-Gallas-Vermaelen-Clichy-Song-Fabregas-Nasri-Arshavin-Bendtner-VanPersie, though I doubt Nasri will make it after just a single game back so I reckon Diaby could play there instead, though after mid-week Ramsey must be getting very close indeed.

Spurs are without Defoe (sore tummy), Modric (penis wound) and Aaron Lennon (existential crisis). They are also without a soul, a real trophy for about 40 years and any sense of pride/shame.

Today of all days I want no funny business, no nonsense and most definitely no mucking about from the lads. Search and destroy. Pass, move, shoot. This means the scoring of goals and the steely retention of winning margins right to the last. It means not tapping the ankles of known divers in the last minute, and it definitely doesn’t involve stumbling over the ball on halfway and conceding possession needlessly.

I’ve a feeling today will turn out well.

What’s that you say? Bosh? Bosh? Yes. Bosh. The season has returned and so, emphatically, have the Arsenal. There isn’t much to say about a game in which the only negative was their consolation goal, but I’m here now so I might as well say something.

Firstly a warning. I watched the game in one of the most unpleasant places in Europe, the ‘Sports Café’ on Haymarket, in which you pay £4 for a pint and the privilege of sitting on a pool table surrounded by £200,000 worth of televisions and a large amount of potential violence. But even the grossness of this didn’t make a big difference. I just wanted to get the message out so others don’t follow me. Don’t go. They’re a pack of cunnis.

How to do this? Perhaps goal by goal. Yes.

So the first was a Denilson screamer. I had been bemoaning the little Brazilian, and wondering why he was in the side, and then he only goes and smashes it in from outside the box, with a shot that curved away from Timmy Cunt Tourette’s in a completely unsaveable fashion. For the same reason I will be cheering Didier Drogba at every opportunity this season. 1-0 to the Arsenal, as they say.

The second was lovely to see, because it was the sort of goal that other teams have always scored, but which has always eluded us. Much in the same way that Arshavin appeared not to have been taught the Islington Shuffle, neither did Vermaelen appear to have been taught the ‘no headers’ rule. Instead Robin whipped in a perfect ball, dipping to the back post, and the Non-Cunty Vidic Lookalike From Belgium jumped and banged it in. Great. 2-0. The N-CVLFB looked really solid, admittedly against the hapless Fellaini, but even hopeless novelty-affro strikers need a bit of marking. He also looked comfortable with Gallas. Promising.

The third was similar – perhaps inspired by the others, Cesc and Gallas teamed up for another cross-header-goal routine, which must have led the whole team to wonder why they hadn’t thought of it before, so much easier is it than Islington Shuffling it into the back of the net. It’s worth mentioning that their task, in both cases, was aided somewhat by the almost eerie absence of any defenders trying to impede them in their task. This won’t be the case against all teams. Funny that we lose our tall striker and immediately score two headed goals. Andepaymor?

3-0 half-time, and presumably a ‘tres bien’ from the boss. We might have sat back and enjoyed it, but you always thought we might get another one, and if the headers were Arsenal innovations, the fourth was distinctly old-school. On the break, van Persie surged down the left, crossed it through the defender’s legs to the onrushing Cesc, who in turn powered it between Timmy Cunt Tourette’s’. 4-0 to the Arsenal, sang the Sports Café, or at least they would have done had it not been for the sense of potential violence in the air.

The fifth was even easier, with Manuel the Spanish Waiter Goalkeeper finding Cesc, who wandered through the midfield as if it were a National Trust meadow before, finding he was near the Everton goal spanking it in along the ground. Once again the defence should be commended for parting like the Red Sea at his approach – despite carrying the ball for about 30 yards Cesc didn’t evade a single challenge.

5-0, and you thought there might be some mercy. None of it. Arshavin, keen to get in on the action himself, performed some fantastically deft footwork in a crowded box and squeezed one that just came off the post, whereupon one of our Crozilian strikers was on hand to tap it in. Good for him, though I was sorry not to see Andrei score. I suspect he will at some point.

Right at the end we did some cack defending and Saha passed it in, but it was the 93^rd minute or something so you can’t get too worried about it.

All in all, though, a great statement of intent, and one of sufficient calibre that I am going to go down today and count the instances of the phrase ‘statement of intent’ in the newspapers. Oh yes. Welcome back to the Arsenal. We’ve missed you. 

I think this could be a fun season. 

A limited amount to waffle about today, as we hope that people don’t get injured as they run off to play for their respective nations. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I think they should just abandon international football altogether except for intense qualifying sessions in odd-numbered summers and then the tournaments themselves. There would be none of this club versus country malarkey, and national matches would become a real event, rather than a sad excuse for taxi drivers and builders to dress up, get drunk and be racist over a pointless and low-quality non-match.

Arsenal is my country: based in North London but comprised of the best from all over the world, and though rooted in an English tradition able to travel anywhere and beat anyone. Surely this is a finer example of a modern British group ethic than you’re ever going to find in Wayne Rooney and chums hacking pointlessly around for an hour and half?

Andrey Arshavin wants to stay forever, he says. Racking up those fans’ favourite points again. Good job Andrey. I’ve realised that every time I write his name I want to write Andre the seal, a bad children’s movie featuring a young Joshua Jackson from Dawson’s Creek. I also want to write Andre the Giant. Since the square-framed Russian is neither a seal nor a giant I’ll try not to, but forgive me if it slips out. He said.

Anyway. Other than a few bits and bobs there’s not much Arsenal news, so instead why not pass a few minutes joining me and Grabs in our New Pursuit; free gambling with Betfair. Simply click on our banner above and follow the links – bet up to £25 and if you lose you get your money back. Pretty good deal, I think you’ll agree. We’re also going to start speculating on humorous things to do with Arsenal. Keep posted.

Also don’t forget to enter the Herbert Chapman t-shirt competition. These t-shirts really are very natty: simply click on www.upforgrabsnow.com/competition for full details.

If you still haven’t done so also remember to sign up to our email list, and you’ll never have to worry about finding the site again…

Morning all, just a quick one as I’m off to the Emirates Cauldron to watch us put the muscular small timers Blackburn Rovers to the sword. Team selectors? Apart from Eduardo (sniff) we have everyone from the Roma game available, and Andrey’s unineligible again, so we he can start. I think the question is whether or not we go for Nasri in the middle again, or farm him out wide. He was pretty effective at times on Wednesday, but Blackburn are more violently cheating than Roma, though Roma were pretty violently cheaty themselves.

I know there’s been a bit of a hoo-hah about Toure and Gallas but I can’t see any reason why they wouldn’t start together again. Beyond that it probably depends mostly on who’s the most tired. I wouldn’t be surprised if Robin began on the bench, but we’ll see…

For what it’s worth, and that’s not very much, I’d like this starting line up

Almunia

Sagna Toure Gallas Clichy

Walcott Song Arshavin Nasri 

Van Persie Bendtner 

But I somehow don’t think it’ll happen. I suspect room will be made for Denilson and Eboue, somehow, probably at the expense of Nasri/Arshavin/Walcott/Van Persie. 

Anyway. Blackburn won’t be pushovers, but a win today will put us back into fourth, before we’re put in the bumsqugglingly uncomfortable position of choosing between a Spurs victory tomorrow, which would leave us in fourth place, or a Spurs defeat which would plonk them further towards relegation. 

Come on the boys. I will be in the Famous Cock beforehand if anyone wants to demonstrate their fondness for this website through the medium of lager. 

Note that I choose this bar not for its quality but for its proximity to McDonald’s. 

Later, grabbos.

A delayed response to the stonking victory over Burnley on Sunday. Of course you’d be quite right if you said that we are a football club of sufficient stature that we oughtn’t be cheering victories over Burnley that emphatically, but the quality of our performance and our otherwise rather rickety season merits us in this instance. It also keeps us alive in the FA Cup, a competition we’ve got a good chance of winning this season, just as long as we can overcome Manchester United, Chelsea, and, er, Hull in the following rounds.

3-0, it was, and it could have been quite a few more had young Theo and Robin shot slightly different. The players involved in the goals were also wonderful statement from Arsene; all new, returning or maligned. The first was an Andrey and Carl incision of a quality that promises wonderful things for the future. A silky pass, a great first touch and then a chipped finish over the keeper. These two haven’t been around long enough to learn the Islington Shuffle, and I’ve rarely been gladder. The second has had a lot of coverage as a thing of pure beauty, and who am I to disagree. After a tentative bit of IS, Alex Song floated in a miraculously surprising ball to Eduardo who smacked it with his heel into the top corner, the sort of finish which were you in the playground you would have to spend a long time justifying as being deliberate. Eduardo isn’t in the playground, and so doesn’t have to justify his sheer technical brilliance.

The third was, as well as being slick and clinical, a goal which made you want to go and check which way round the loo was flushing. LeGal passed the ball forwards to Alex Song whose deft backheel put it in the path of the onrushing Eboue, whose finish was uncharacteristically, wonderfully clinical. Gallas-Song-Eboue-goal; what odds would you have got on that combination before the match, I wonder? Alex Song’s two assists reflected a great performance, and one which left me wondering whether it might not be Denilson who’s most nervous for his place when Cesc gets back. Song is much happier sitting back than the Brazilian, who like most of our midfielders ideally would like to be the Cesc figure. What a difference a good match can make.

So from the despair and despondency of the last few weeks we find ourselves in a position where, with a good performance against Roma tomorrow night, we can find ourselves in strong contention for two trophies and right back in the hunt for fourth place against a collapsing Villa. Great News.

In other Great News, our February Philosophy Football competition has finished- congratulations to our winners Peter Hoodless, Clementina Kyremateng, Clair Lewis Peter McNulty and Cara Taylor, who are now all the proud owners of the Arsenal t-shirts. We are also proud to announce the March competition. Same deal, only this time you can win a stonker of a Herbert Chapman t-shirt from our pals down at PF.

As before, we’ve got 5 to give away, to enter you’ve simply got to answer the following question: what formation did Herbert Chapman pioneer when he was at Arsenal? Full details are here.

Don’t forget to sign into the mailing list below. Until tomorrow, grabbers, where we’ll talk about Roma and all that jazz. Been a good few days for us gooners, hasn’t it?

Grabs’ kamikaze optimism, as contrasting with my own brand of frustrated pessimism, last night had its first major victory as we put the sword 3-1 to West Brom. Extraordinary, frankly, that we’re celebrating a wing against a team as miraculously bad as West Brom are this season, but that’s the situation we’re in at the moment.

More than that, we’re celebrating scoring not only one goal but three, including two for the Much Maligned Bendtner. Arshavin also looked good and contributed an assist; my Dad reckons he looks like one of those players ‘who enjoys a fag at halftime’. It would explain his being constantly out of puff (aren’t football matches 90 minutes in Russia?), and to be honest if he can make the difference in sixty who cares? Presumably it’s for getting through the Russian winter. I should point out that this is nothing but the idlest variety of speculation and probably has no backing in it.

How nice might it have been if one of those goals could have been last weekend, in which instance we would be on level terms with Villa, who are off to the, er, fortress that is the City of Manchester stadium.

Much as I approve of the pleasing image  of Robinho ‘rogering’ Aston Villa, the cheeky little money-grabbing chappy is injured, along with the renowned thug Craig Bellamy, and so will not feature. Nonetheless City have some firepower, and will be dangerous if they can temporarily forget to let in goals. Let’s hope Villa are massively demoralised by their ignominious draw with Stoke, and realise they never wanted to be in the CL anyway, and then we’re right back in there.

Ten games is suddenly a long time – if we’ve found some form from last night it couldn’t have happened at a better time.

So much more positive than last time I posted. Funny old game, isn’t it…come on Citeh!

Kick-off is imminent, and the big team news is that Andrey Arshavin is set to start, his hair issues having been resolved: about that, you’ve got to wonder whether it was a big sticking point in the transfer dispute…

AA: I must have my hairdresser.

Arsenal: We have many good hairdressers in England.

AA: I must have my hairdresser.

Arsenal: But your hair is quite easy to cut, you are not Mr T or J.Lo.

AA: I must have my hairdresser.

Arsenal: How does this affect your football?

AA: I must have my hairdresser.

No wonder the whole thing took so long.

Anyway. Arsenal team:

Almunia,

Sagna Gallas Toure Clichy

Nasri Denilson Song Arshavin

Bendtner Van Persie

Subs: Fabianski, Vela, Ramsey, Djourou, Eboue, Gibbs, Merida

I have to say I like the looks of this lot, particularly with Song and Denilson being given the middle. It’ll let Denilson push forward, a position he’s much happier in than holding, and Song the chance to really prove himself. Gallas and Toure will be less of a struggle, but given the colander-like nature of Sunderland’s defence I hope that we’ll have at least a goal or two to play with by the end.

Though it looks unhelpful, Chelsea beating Villa is probably good news for us in the long run – I really think the wheels are starting to fall off the Villa wagon, whilst ours are fully greased and good to go.

Watch it here

More updates after the game, but for now, come on the Arsenal! 

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