Up For Grabs Now

Since there is literally nothing going on of any relevance to the Arsenal this day feels a bit like doing a jig in treacle. Except for the internationals, which are relevant to us only in the way that it’s relevant that your female friends go on a sex tourism holiday somewhere – ie, you hope they don’t get raped by a local or trip on a rusty chlamydia-nail, but other than that you’d rather they came back quickly and didn’t talk too much about it.

Or alternatively, if they insist on talking about it, that it involves a hideous drug dealer they met called Ashley Cole whom they brutally maimed with a cheese fork before stealing his wallet, only to give him back a whole load of money to confuse him and then orchestrate a massive economic crisis and hyperinflation in the country of the currency you gave him so that during his recuperation his money becomes worth less and less whilst he is unable to move due to his mangling, then just as he regains the ability to walk his money becomes valuable again, so he skips triumphantly into the road where he is hit by a van carrying horse sperm, the impact of which shatters his already fragile legs before he drowns in the sperm.

So there’s not much going on basically.

However, for the blog we have several large pieces of news. Firstly we have, after almost a year of operation, been added by the mighty arseblog to his blogroll. Now to those of you in the outside world this might seem rather a sad thing to celebrate, but for us young blogs, rolling around in the pigsty of the internet hoping some of the poo will stick to us, it is excellent news. Anyone who finds us from there, welcome, and many thanks to arseblog. We feel like we’ve arrived.

We have also been added to newsnow, meaning that we have been accepted as a respectable and serious source of Arsenal news, and not a collection of underqualified morons specialising in baiting other, more angrily earnest blogs (see the past). We welcome further anyone who has joined us from here, and apologise in advance for offending you with tales of Islington Shuffle and other tittle-tattle.

Ho hum. Goodness it’s slow. Anyone been anywhere nice on holiday? Don’t forget you can guarantee you always receive our high-quality posts by signing up below to the mailing list.

So the news this evening is that Chelsea have been hit with an almost incredibly funny ban on transfers until 2011, for tapping up Gael Kakuta. The parallels with the Eduardo diving story are interesting. In both cases, the guilty party has been handed an unprecedented and apparently disproportionate punishment for an offence widespread throughout the game. Eduardo was banned for 2 European matches for taking a dive against Celtic a couple of weeks ago. Many fans objected to this, as proven by the lively discussion on Grabs’ blog, on the grounds that he was being made an example of.

The sting of this for Gooners, fairly mild at the worst of times (most agreed it looked like a dive, and few would complain that we’ll really miss him that much in a Champions League group that makes the Blue Square Premier look like La Liga), has now been almost totally eased by the decision passed on Chelsea, who as it stands may not sign anyone for two transfer windows, being the new year slot this season and next summer. For a club of their player turnover and incompetence with raising theier own young talent this is seriously disruptive, and more to the point hits them nowhere near their wallet. Abramovich could happily chin almost any fine thrown at him, but this punishment affects (as it ought, perhaps) their ability to function as a club.

Chelsea fans will think the ban outrageously harsh. They will say the same things we did a few days ago – that everyone taps up players, and if they’re going to be punished why not all the others. They will say they have been made an example of. They have been, and quite right too. These rules exist to prevent lecherous wealthy clubs from luring promising youngsters to break their contracts. Much as I’m on the side of Arsenal, a rich club, I also mostly like to think of myself as not being a total dickhead, and so in principle I totally support the little clubs. Football is biased enough towards the wealthy without this sort of thing too. Given that it tends to concern the livelihoods of young, vulnerable players, not to mention often the financial security of the smaller clubs, tapping up should be fought if at all possible.

The big clubs will always find ways to exert their extra strength. This does not mean FIFA ought not try as hard as it can to regulate against it. Similarly, players will always find ways to deceive the referee – this too does not mean the authorities ought not do whatever they can to fight it. I for one have long advocated using a fourth official, as in rugby, for contentious decisions. It rarely takes more than thirty seconds or a minute. Similarly, no player bar the captain should be allowed to address the referee, be it applauding a decision or contesting a penalty. If a few players got booked for this sort of behaviour its incidence would plummet. Players, like clubs, do whatever they can get away with. On the whole Gooners I know are on the side of fair play and non-twattishness, leaving that to the likes of United and Bolton.  We cannot wish it with one hand and wish it away with the other. We cannot bemoan UEFA’s inaction and then bemoan its actions too, however much of a knobber Platini might be.

After Eduardo, harsh as it seemed at the time, players will think twice about taking a tumble. After Chelsea, clubs will think twice about tapping a player up. No fan can disagree with these. It’s unfortunate that the first one happened to an Arsenal player, but in the context of Chelsea’s punishment it seems that, if it is the season of example-making, we have escaped rather lightly.

Now, all together now – let’s all laugh at Chelsea. 

Sp*rs look set for glory after making their best start to the season for 49 years, when they last won the title.

And in what does this fantastic start consist?

3 wins. A mere 35 matches now stand between ‘Arry’s boys and the championship. If you believe this sort of nonsense, they may as well hand out the medals on Monday morning.

Far from getting carried away about the “best start in 49 years” statistic, Sp*rs fans would do well to reflect on exactly how consistently bad your team has to be to fail to win 3 games in a row at the start of the season for 47 years in a row.

Don’t get me wrong, they look to have a reasonable side and Redknapp is a much better manager than they deserve, but we’ve seen good managers and promising teams before at White Hart Lane.

We’ve seen them promise much in big-spending summers, we’ve seen their fans getting miles ahead of themselves, and we’ve seen them collapsing into 9th place mediocrity. Time and time again.

Meanwhile the national media, alarmed to have their dire warnings of Arsenal’s inability to win any football matches without first spending lots of money made a mockery of, have outdone themselves. From Arsenal’s league total of 10 goals and six points, they have spun a negative story of some ingenuity – apparently none of our strikers will ever score again and we’re well and truly stuffed.

After all, it’s not how many you score that counts is it? It’s whether the goalscorers play in the right position.

What a lot of bollies.

A big game at Parkhead tonight, make no mistake.

Our boys will rightly be flush with confidence after Saturday’s boshing of Everton, a team whose ginger manager’s veins are green and white hooped. Arsenal could make it a very bad week for David Moyes.

Question-marks over the fitness of Fabregas, Denilson and Sagna shouldn’t be too much of a problem. If one or two of those three play, I think we’ll be fine. All three out could be tricky, especially in central midfield – I guess we’d be looking at a middle three of Song, Ramsey and Diaby, which could work, but doesn’t quite inspire you just yet.

That said, this is exactly the sort of night where Diaby, (spitefully missed out of our season preview by Grabber last week,) rams the ball into the net having found himself in acres of space due to his highly unorthodox sense of positionality. His roving could pose Celtic an unexpected threat.

My brother is a Rangers fan, which means that tonight he can take time out from goading me with prophesies of the imminent collapse of Arsenal FC, and instead relish the feeling of supporting our great team against his hated foe.

Many of our readers may know very little about Celtic, Arsenal having avoided them thus far in European competition. So here’s the inside story.

Celtic got rid of Gordon Strachan in the summer. Three titles in his four years wasn’t good enough for “the jungle”, who continue to pine for Martin O’Neill (three titles, five years, absolutely no eye contact during interviews). Strachan was slated for the quality of football he produced, though O’Neill’s teams were set-piece experts who relied exclusively on the wonderful Henrik Larsson to get them out of tight spots and crunch games. Not tonight.

Tony Mowbray (last year’s leader of the most principled relegation from the Premiership yet witnessed) is the new man in charge. He was previously at Hibs, where he cut quite the Wenger figure. His teams played the kind of adventurous attacking football which is so rare in the modern game in Scotland, and he brought through a series of superb young players, who are now – inevitably - key men on both sides of the Old Firm.

We all saw what happened at West Brom, and now he’s at Celtic, trying to play the same openly-Wenger-inspired brand of football, but with the players who bored everyone under Strachan.

Arsene picked out Aiden McGeady, a git of a man who is a reasonable footballer on his day, but whose profile is boosted by simply being one of the few players in the SPL with any technique to speak of. Scott Brown is Celtic’s best player, a hustling, snake-faced midfielder raised by Mowbray at Hibs. Apparently Spurs are interested, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see him in the Premiership before long. Think a skinhead Scottish Flamini with less class and a far greater love of violence against his fellow man. That’s Brown. If Cesc plays, expect to see Brown targetting him, especially in the opening stages.

Scott MacDonald up front has turned himself into a useful striker, while his partner Giorgio Samaras (once scouted by Arsenal) isn’t much cop.

Their defence is poor, and will be weakened tonight by the probable absence of Scotland captain Stephen McManus and Glenn Loovens. It’s built to withstand heavy aerial bombardment. Not what they’ll be getting tonight. If we stick to our game, we should be able to play right round them.

We really should win tonight. It’s Arshavin’s European debut, and this team has shown it’s mettle on big nights before.

And when Diaby scores, remember – you heard it here first.

What’s that you say? Bosh? Bosh? Yes. Bosh. The season has returned and so, emphatically, have the Arsenal. There isn’t much to say about a game in which the only negative was their consolation goal, but I’m here now so I might as well say something.

Firstly a warning. I watched the game in one of the most unpleasant places in Europe, the ‘Sports Café’ on Haymarket, in which you pay £4 for a pint and the privilege of sitting on a pool table surrounded by £200,000 worth of televisions and a large amount of potential violence. But even the grossness of this didn’t make a big difference. I just wanted to get the message out so others don’t follow me. Don’t go. They’re a pack of cunnis.

How to do this? Perhaps goal by goal. Yes.

So the first was a Denilson screamer. I had been bemoaning the little Brazilian, and wondering why he was in the side, and then he only goes and smashes it in from outside the box, with a shot that curved away from Timmy Cunt Tourette’s in a completely unsaveable fashion. For the same reason I will be cheering Didier Drogba at every opportunity this season. 1-0 to the Arsenal, as they say.

The second was lovely to see, because it was the sort of goal that other teams have always scored, but which has always eluded us. Much in the same way that Arshavin appeared not to have been taught the Islington Shuffle, neither did Vermaelen appear to have been taught the ‘no headers’ rule. Instead Robin whipped in a perfect ball, dipping to the back post, and the Non-Cunty Vidic Lookalike From Belgium jumped and banged it in. Great. 2-0. The N-CVLFB looked really solid, admittedly against the hapless Fellaini, but even hopeless novelty-affro strikers need a bit of marking. He also looked comfortable with Gallas. Promising.

The third was similar – perhaps inspired by the others, Cesc and Gallas teamed up for another cross-header-goal routine, which must have led the whole team to wonder why they hadn’t thought of it before, so much easier is it than Islington Shuffling it into the back of the net. It’s worth mentioning that their task, in both cases, was aided somewhat by the almost eerie absence of any defenders trying to impede them in their task. This won’t be the case against all teams. Funny that we lose our tall striker and immediately score two headed goals. Andepaymor?

3-0 half-time, and presumably a ‘tres bien’ from the boss. We might have sat back and enjoyed it, but you always thought we might get another one, and if the headers were Arsenal innovations, the fourth was distinctly old-school. On the break, van Persie surged down the left, crossed it through the defender’s legs to the onrushing Cesc, who in turn powered it between Timmy Cunt Tourette’s’. 4-0 to the Arsenal, sang the Sports Café, or at least they would have done had it not been for the sense of potential violence in the air.

The fifth was even easier, with Manuel the Spanish Waiter Goalkeeper finding Cesc, who wandered through the midfield as if it were a National Trust meadow before, finding he was near the Everton goal spanking it in along the ground. Once again the defence should be commended for parting like the Red Sea at his approach – despite carrying the ball for about 30 yards Cesc didn’t evade a single challenge.

5-0, and you thought there might be some mercy. None of it. Arshavin, keen to get in on the action himself, performed some fantastically deft footwork in a crowded box and squeezed one that just came off the post, whereupon one of our Crozilian strikers was on hand to tap it in. Good for him, though I was sorry not to see Andrei score. I suspect he will at some point.

Right at the end we did some cack defending and Saha passed it in, but it was the 93^rd minute or something so you can’t get too worried about it.

All in all, though, a great statement of intent, and one of sufficient calibre that I am going to go down today and count the instances of the phrase ‘statement of intent’ in the newspapers. Oh yes. Welcome back to the Arsenal. We’ve missed you. 

I think this could be a fun season. 

With all the doom-mongering and transfer-related whingeing that’s been going on, only the very perceptive will have emerged from this summer having retained the memory of Arsenal actually owning any players whatsoever. And some good ones, too.

Grabber has done a fine job of swarthily surveying our array of attacking players like the seasoned trooper that he is. Now it’s my turn, with the case for the defence.

Manuel Almunia: combines a career as a top-flight goalkeeper with a part-time role as a German-baiting waiter. Also combines being Spanish with being English, and not getting picked for Spain with not getting picked for England. An Arsene favourite. For years completely unfancied by all, sundry, and everyone else as a bench-warming, cross-flapping enigma, you’ve got to admire the pluck of the man Mad Jens once complained had “only started playing football aged 30″.  Hope he stays fit.

Lukasz Fabianski: A blonde girl in a pub once told me that Fabianski is the best looking Arsenal player since Flamini. Be that as it may, his carefully slicked down fringe didn’t do much to quieten the howls of agony when he inexplicably charged past the onrushing Drogba at Wembley in the spring. Still, we all make mistakes, and he’s made some decent saves. Only 24, and improving. But hope Manuel stays fit.

Gael Clichy: A big season for Gael as he tries to dislodge Evra from the France team. Evra looks permanently furious and fights with passing groundsman at the drop of a rake. Clichy is extraordinarily fast, but developed a nasty tendency to fall over at crucial periods, such as in injury time against the hated foe. Hopefully this will be stamped out and he will finally learn to shoot. A top player who should be looking to last the season this year.

Bacary Sagna: Arguably the best player in the world. Sure, you’d have to argue that one pretty well, but if we had eleven Bacary Sagnas… well, I’d stick four in defence and the rest would have to compete with the others for places. One could probably play in midfield somewhere. And we might get away with playing a couple in the Ladies team. A magnificent defender, a soldier, and a gentleman.

Thomas Vermaelen: If you can’t sign Nemanja Vidic, why not sign someone who looks a bit like him? Steely of eye, iron of jaw and proud of forehead, Vermaelen has all the physical attributes to prove the doubters wrong about Wenger’s ability to buy defenders. Plus, he’s captained Ajax already and at 24 should have valuable experience and some great years ahead of him. I think he will prove to be a very shrewd buy.

William Gallas: Still here. After all the huffing and sulking, Wenger did the unthinkable and got rid of plucky Kolo instead, which leaves a lot of responsibility with Gallas. Unfairly maligned for his generally solid performances in my opinion, Gallas’ experience will be hugely important. He should realise that it’s his last season at the top, nail his colours to the mast and play a blinder. Could still be a world-beating stopper for us if his head is right and he can gel with Vermaelen.

Johan Djourou: Cited by Wenger as one of the many (three) tall players in our squad, this could be a breakthrough year for the young swiss, who has clearly muscled himself well ahead of Senderos in the picking order. Must steer clear of injury, but a first team spot is certainly not beyond him this season.

Emmanuel Eboue: So good, we profiled him twice. Arguably the best player in the world. Mad, bad, and often dangerous to pass to. Let’s hope that when he does get on he plays in defence, that he continues to cut inside so thrillingly (and entirely unpredictably) and that he wins a penalty at Old Trafford with a dive so egregious that it shocks the world. Reportedly wanted by Barcelona as a replacement for the tediously magnificent Dani Alves, and who can blame them?

Back 4 Extras: Arsene Knows. More than anything he seems to know how to find lithe quicksilver young left full-backs. Kieran Gibbs will have to fight it out with Armand Traore to be Clichy’s back up this year, though both players could surely also be useful on the wing if pressed into action. Mikael Silvestre continues to cement his place as a firm fans favourite, which is why we all hope he’s used sparingly.

Alex Song: Turned himself into a bit of a lynch-pin by the end of last season, though that was partly because we didn’t have any other players left. A good start could see him kick on to become a major force, though you still wonder if Wenger doesn’t see him as a defender. The face of Arsenal’s cosmetics range, there is still time to make yourself smell like Song. Prone to dozing off against correctly-termed lesser teams, our soft underbelly is likely to completely collapse without him, unless we get another defensive midfielder soonish.

Denilson: Famously “not as good as Kaka”, as the woman behind me repeatedly insists on pointing out, Denilson is a very promising talent, who must be looking to really impose himself on the team this year. Blessedly injury-averse, the ever-present young square-pass merchant isn’t going to convince everyone, but he’s convinced Mr Wenger, who will want him, like Song, to add a bit of grit and consistency to his game. Also like Song, likely to be the scapegoat for any poor results.

Aaron Ramsey: Tidy, skilful and a future mainstay. Looked overawed at points last year, but should know his way around by now. Not one to hang about and clearly convinced of his ability (just in a Welsh, rather than Danish way, if you get me) Aaron is likely to see a lot of gametime, especially if no other central midfielders arrive. Did I mention that some Arsenal fans want to see a defensive midfielder brought in?

Prognosis: The patient is a bit off-colour for this time of year, and looks thin around the middle. Would benefit from a muscular injection in defensive midfield and centre-half. What an original conclusion.

Thank God the season’s here. There’s been far too much Arsene-bashing from the press and some fans, and futile, circular, transfer-related harping. A win on Saturday would be the best way to forget all about it.

Overall we’re clearly very strong in the attacking department. Even with the departure of Emancity? Andepaymor? to pastures crapper, we still have a varied and lively forward line. If everyone’s fit you’ve even got to think it’ll give Le Boss a bit of a headache. But one of the good sort of headaches, like choosing desert. No defender would want to line up against them. As far as I’m concerned (and I am, very), the only two names automatically on the teamsheet are Cesc and Arshavin, followed pretty closely by van Persie. If we’re playing 4-4-2, then I’d start van Persie and Bendtner upfront, with Arshavin, Cesc and a fit Theo complementing Song. But I’ve a well-documented penchant for danishes, so perhaps I’m an unreliable judge. I know that some of you would prefer to see Eduardo up there, not least those of you reading the Times, which is selling him hard for fantasy league teams.

Below is a little rundown of the forward line. Grabs is handling, in his dour Scotch way, the defenders and defendy midfielders. I’m not including Young Jack Wilshere, because I don’t want to jinx him, but I think he’ll probably be playing a part, if mainly from the bench. Or Diaby, because I’m hoping that if I close my eyes for long enough he might go away.

Cesc – the bees’ bollocks. Only 22, but already the heartbeat of the team. If we’re going to achieve great things, he will be at the heart of it. I’ve always thought that the most impressive thing about Cesc is that his single superiority is seeing everything about a second before anyone else. If you do a Sky playercam his head is just moving all the time, looking at stuff. Others are better with their feet, but the little wizard has it all up top. He didn’t look his best at times last season, but even when he’s not playing well he still gives the side another dimension. I suspect he gets frustrated with the others and a bit sulky – if he can learn to lead from the front then he’ll be complete.

Eboue – I know he had a renaissance last season after the booing, but for me Eboue will never be a satisfying Arsenal player. He has had several years now to prove himself and he’s only ever been adequate. I have yet to read a positive report of him that doesn’t have a tone of surprise – it ought to be the other way round. It’s always ‘Eboue was, weirdly, really good’ – compare to ‘Arshavin was, weirdly, very bad’. I’d only like to see him play in emergencies, or for the last fifteen minutes where he can run at tired legs and do the little cut inside trick that he is, I’ll grant, moderately accomplished at.

Nasri – I don’t think Nasri developed as much as everyone hoped for last season, after his lively start. Still, he’s young as Michael Jackson’s Christmas card list, and provided he can recover from his leg-break(the injury sort, rather than a particularly viscious Shane Warne delivery) I still see a very bright future. He was especially useful last year when he came inside and hunted the ball. There’s clearly a lot of competition for the role this year – everyone wants to be the big man, but he’s the player most like Pires we’ve had since, well, Pires, and that can only be a good think.

Rosicky – it would be lovely to see him play. He’s looked purposeful in preseason, and will have gained, if nothing else, some determination and resilience from being frustratingly out for such a long time. Big game experience and mentality – he’d probably be fourth starter in my attack, if fit. Big if.

Walcott – well, young Theo’s getting better and better. Quicker than anyone, and increasingly last season he looked like he was getting better at not running very fast and then giving the ball, instantly, to the opposition. Some more final ball practice and he’ll be a seriously dangerous player. The profile of his England performances, I think, have also got opposition defenders scared of him, which as Thierry and Ronaldo have most effectively demonstrated of late, that fear is a very useful thing to have on your side. I expect that he’s pretty much a first-pick for Wenger.

Arshavin – what can you say – our first big money singing for a while, so we hoped he’d be good, but even the most optimistic observer couldn’t have expected he would deliver quite so emphatically as he did at the end of last season. Quick, skillful, direct and decisive, the foxy Russian will be integral this season. He showed against Liverpool that he doesn’t mind grabbing the ball by the balls, if it’s required, and has yet to be coached into the Islington Shuffle. Long may this last.

Vela – Haven’t really seen enough of him, but like a little Arshavin I’ve always thought he looked refreshingly direct. He gets the ball, looks up and then wonders how to get the ball into the other goal. This means he gets tackled often, but also stops pussying around so much on the edge of the box. He’ll probably be peripheral this season again, but I think Arsene sees him as a long-term option.

Van Persie – with the departure of Andepaymor, Robin is the principal striker. As long as he can stay fit, he’s our only proven world-class striker. If he plays he’ll get 20 goals, several of them important ones. Mentally he seems to get tougher every year. A real threat, and one of the senior squad members now that Toure has left.

Eduardo – Nippy and clinical from what we’ve seen, and what a comeback from horrendous injury, but to throw some cold water on the Crozilian’s fire we’ve yet to see what he can do over a prolonged period – whether he can bang them in week in, week out. I think he probably can – he certainly did in Croatia, but he’ll need a run to prove it.

Bendtner – as long as he keeps his trousers on HAHA TROUSERS REFERENCE, I think this season we’ll see good thinks from Bendtner. He’s big, strong, still very young and awkward to defend against. Well, awkward as long as his first touch doesn’t cack it straight to the opposition, but you catch my meaning. Wenger clearly has faith in him – remember he saw off Lupoli and Stokes, both of whom were equally tipped, and he’s probably pleased that the Andepaymor has left – the two never got on, and Nick now has a clear run at the ‘big lad up front’ role, which I hope he’ll rise to. RISE LITERALLY.

Anyway. It’s all to come. I can’t wait. 

Come on you reds.

After it emerged today that Barcelona’s chief executive Cheeky Burgerstain had set a final deadline of Tuesday for the Catalan club to complete the signing of Arsenal skipper Cesc Fabregas, UpForGrabsNow was quickly on the scent.

We can exclusively invent that Arsenal big-wig Ivan “Gazza” Gazidis was seen buying a meal-deal in Boots’ Stansted Airport branch. Top-earning Gazidis was seen scratching his nose next to the low-fat yoghurt range, and was later spotted eating Hula-Hoops one by one from the end of each fingertip.

We understand that Gazidis was on his way to crunch talks at Camp Nou about the possible transfer of Fabregas. He is believed to have agreed a deal in principle for the sale of the young Spaniard, on the condition that any such deal go through only after the cows have come home.

If you’re after a more serious article, check out my take on the Wenger Haters, or a general whinge about billionaires ruining our fun.

Much in the tradition of my contributions, this week I refuse to degrade myself to the level of other commentators by seeing how long I can make hilarious leaving puns about Emmanuel Adebayor: ‘AdeBYEBYEor’, ‘Adebay-OFF’. ADEBAYOFF HAHA YEAH SEE! I shall instead ask you more intelligent readers a different question:

Why are Manchester City assembling the laziest team in the history of football?

It must be difficult having unlimited money. Forced to labour under the impression that winning things will somehow now be very easy, and happen irrespective of having an aggressive Welsh wanker managing your club, as an owner or chairman you are forced to set yourself little games to amuse yourself. Different people do different things. Roman Abramovich got around this problem by firing one of the world’s best managers, hugely respected by his team, and replacing him with an unqualified Uncle Festa lookalike, and then a succession of other unsuitable foreigners after he proved to be surprisingly good. Manchester City’s chairman is approaching the issue differently, instead choosing to purchase a wide and exciting range of the world’s laziest footballers. Clearly he was inspired by the sight of Craig Bellamy and Robinho sitting in a chair for training (or something), and decided that if he bought a whole team like that it would make the Premiership a bit more interesting.

This is the only way to explain the otherwise ludicrous amount of money he has spent luring the gangly, bone-idle Togolese cash hole up to Eastlands. As an Arsenal fan I cheer, but as a fan of football I weep tears of hysterical laughter mingled with great sadness. Never in the field of human football has so much been paid by so few for so little. Oh well. Hopefully he can continue to score against Spurs, and we can continue to laugh at them. Other than that there is little hope, given that his previous record suggests he operates a system whereby the number of goals he scores per season is inversely proportional to his salary.  £40,000 – 30 goals. £80,000 – 15 goals. £150,000 – seven goals if they’re lucky.

More fool them I say.