Up For Grabs Now

My fellow Arsenal fans.

Yesterday was an historic day. A momentous day when people all over the world looked on what they never thought was possible.

Many years from now, far down the corridors and hallways of this great nation’s history, our children’s children, and their children, and their children’s children’s children’s children, will look back on Tuesday 20th January 2009 in wonder. They will still be amazed at the generosity of the human spirit.

They will look back and they will ask how it could happen like this.

They will wonder how it happened that a young black man with a funny name and very little experience of high office could find himself joining Tottenham Hotspur for £14 million.

That young man’s name was Wilson R. Palacios, and in the ages to come he will stand as a symbol, strong and enduring, that in this great nation of ours anyone, absolutely anyone, regardless of talent or ability can win themselves an extortionate transfer to Tottenham Hotspur “FC” as long as they have what it takes.

That vital ingredient which lifts the spirit and forces Daniel Levy to once again abandon all sense of reason and decency:

A few speculative press stories linking you to Man Utd.

Yes, my fellow Arsenal fans, know that if you really want Tottenham to sign you and you can persuade some fat hack at the Mail to print some balderdash about United’s interest in you, then it will happen.

Know that Tottenham will make no discrimination of your footballing ability or market value before splurging their oodles of cash upon your head.

Know that they will never learn from their years and years of expensive, hubristic signings, empty trophy cabinets and sacked managers; that as long as you get them a quick headline they won’t mind if you’re not actually very good and will probably sell you to Sunderland or Portsmouth for sub-£2 million at the end of the season.

Know that if you play ok for Sunderland or Portsmouth then they will re-sign you for another ridiculous fee and that they will pay you a £70o,000 loyalty bonus.

All they ask is that you appeared in the same sentence as “Man Utd” and that this wasn’t in a match report in which you featured against Man Utd. When you have this, then know that Tottenham’s spirit of generosity, benevolence and chronic transfer market idiocy will know no bounds and they will stop at nothing until they have vastly overpaid for your distinctly mediocre services.

January 20th 2009. The day Tottenham changed the world carried on overpaying for the same old dross.

(Feel free to link this to any unfortunate Tottenham-supporting “mates”.)

We’re playing Wigan tonight. This is great. Rather oddly, I’ve come to love these Carling Cup matches. We’re on a hiding to nothing, it seems to me. Hang on, no. We’re on a hiding to everything. Is that right? No. We’ve got nothing to lose. Yes, that’s better. If we win (and I suspect we shall, but I wouldn’t say it very loudly) then we can talk loudly about how great our youngsters are, how exciting our future is, etc etc. If we lose, (and I suspect we shan’t, but I wouldn’t say it very loudly) then we can just talk about how it’s a Mickey Mouse competition. Actually, not even Mickey Mouse, as Mickey Mouse is quite a big and important cartoon. Maybe more like a Pluto character; big and shit, and fit for minor North London club sides and which our Colts XI can use as a warm up before the big youth game.

Etc.

It’s also the case that whilst previously the team has obviously been our youngsters, this season our first team is so young that the Carling Cup lot, being even younger, are comically young.

Still, there are some things to look out for. Zaki, doyen of fantasy football teams everywhere, will be playing and tends to score, but then again so will Carlos Vela. I’ve heard some people say that they’d like to see Vela play more, but I have mixed feelings about it. Whilst part of me would be delighted that he would play well, score goals and win matches for us, the other part of me would be sorry to see his potential revealed. At the moment he’s a little bundle of potential that sits on our bench, all warm and subjunctive. You hear murmurs around the Emirates as we get to the seventieth minute:

Murmurer 1: Oooh, I’d love to see Vela get a run at ‘em…

Murmurer 2: Oooh, Wenger never will. Playing it cautious, you see…

Murmurer 1: Ah, yes, I see. Very sensible. Good thing he’s bringing on Song though. That’ll lock things down.

Murmurer 2: Oooh, yes, I should think so.

Arsenal concede.

Murmurers (together): Bollocks.

Who knows what would happen if he came on…

I don’t usually do this but I feel I must bring this terrible article to the attention of the loyal readers. 

The headline on the newsnow feed for this story is, quite literally, ‘Wenger to decide on January transfer activity’. What’s that, you say? ‘But he’s the manager’, you cry? Possibly you expect it’s more complicated than this. It isn’t. That is literally all it says. The article might as well read ‘Arsene Wenger does job’. I mean honestly who else is going to decide on transfer activity? Me? Celebrity Television Doctor Professor Robert Winston? From which tree did these people fall?

In other news, and to prove the veracity of our reporting to those of you who questioned earlier pieces, Arsene has cleared up the Barack Obama transfer issue, reiterating his faith in his youngsters and explaining why he doesn’t need to bring people in, least of all American Presidents-Elect the wrong side of forty-five, whatever the success some MLS players have had in England before. It’s not even a problem that he’s better-suited to (and perhaps better at) basketball, as Adebayor will no doubt testify.

As ever, if you have any threats or abuse, please send them in to us at upforgrabsnow@googlemail.com

Until then, let’s hope for a good one tonight. Come on the boys (literally) (actually not literally, that’s kind of gross, but you catch my drift),

Luego.