Up For Grabs Now

After it emerged today that Barcelona’s chief executive Cheeky Burgerstain had set a final deadline of Tuesday for the Catalan club to complete the signing of Arsenal skipper Cesc Fabregas, UpForGrabsNow was quickly on the scent.

We can exclusively invent that Arsenal big-wig Ivan “Gazza” Gazidis was seen buying a meal-deal in Boots’ Stansted Airport branch. Top-earning Gazidis was seen scratching his nose next to the low-fat yoghurt range, and was later spotted eating Hula-Hoops one by one from the end of each fingertip.

We understand that Gazidis was on his way to crunch talks at Camp Nou about the possible transfer of Fabregas. He is believed to have agreed a deal in principle for the sale of the young Spaniard, on the condition that any such deal go through only after the cows have come home.

If you’re after a more serious article, check out my take on the Wenger Haters, or a general whinge about billionaires ruining our fun.

Today we’ve got: Sweaty Eboue in Portuguese Romp Sensation, The Future of Cesc and a daring exposé of the extraordinary rationale behind Arsene Wenger’s transfer market tomfoolery.

First off, last night. It was a bit pants, wasn’t it?  A very under-strength team sent to Porto apparently with the frank instruction not to bother. Nobody playing last night did themselves any great favours, though Ramsey and Vela looked fairly encouraging and would surely have looked even better had they been part of a high-strength Arsenal team rather than the diet version.

There seems to have been a lot of internet credulity towards the sudden injuries afflicting our most senior players which meant none of them could even travel to the game. Concerned, 37, from Nuneaton wrote in to say “I’m so surprised that Fabregas, Sagna, Clichy, Van Persie, Adebayor and Toure are all injured – they looked fine on Saturday. I really hope they’ll be back for Saturday!”

Don’t you worry Concerned, they’ll be back for Boro sure as Gael’s a Gooner. Arsene was just playing silly buggers with Uefa.

Eboue’s return passed off largely without gaffe or aplomb. Not that I really know what aplomb actually constitutes – it just sounds sort of bouncy and flag-waving and since I didn’t see either of these things from Eboue yesterday I think it’s fair to say that he returned without aplomb. Though he did hurl his sweaty number 27 shirt into the crowd, so, erm, congratulations to the long suffering no-doubt delighted Gooner on the other end of that.

No originality points for pointing out that Bendtner had another poor game, losing the ball at important moments with chronic regularity. Would be interested to know just how thin Goonerish patience is wearing with him. I’m not really sure why, but I still think he’ll be worth it in the long run.

All of which means we’ll be playing one of AS Roma, Panathinaikos, FC Barcelona, Bayern Munich or Juventus. You’d obviously pick Panathinaikos as the one you’d want while Barca, fun as that would be, is probably not what we need at this stage. Some BBC chappie wrote that if we drew them we’d have no chance. Must be because the BBC doesn’t have the rights to the Premiership – didn’t he see us beat United and Chelsea, teams at least on a par with Barca right now?

Nothing to fear I reckon and as many people have been pointing out, we only play well against the big teams because that’s the only time when any of our players can be collectively arsed.

Talking of Barca, much quoted around the British press this morning is Captain Cesc who has unfortunately done another interview with Radio Marca:

Everybody knows that one day I will return to Spanish football. It’s an experience I want to live. I want to play in Spain as a professional before I retire. The idea has always been the same. That’s why I signed such a long contract.

If these remarks are not being hideously mistranslated and decontextualised, then this sounds like a time-frame – another 6 years at Arsenal then off to Barca. I reckon Cesc may well have a similar view of contracts to Arsene, that is, you sign them for a reason and you stick to them (remember Arsene joined us late because he wouldn’t shave even a couple of months off his Grampus 8 tenure?

Seeing as Cesc obviously does want to go to Spain at some point in his career isn’t it in Arsenal’s interests to know in advance when that is going to be so that the inevitable speculation can be brushed aside (at least within the club) and plans can be made to fill the huge gap he will eventually leave? A relatively neat solution to an awkward problem, the problem of a loyal player who really loves the club, but who naturally wants to play for Barca, the team that is in his blood, at some stage. 

I’ve always had a niggling suspicion that something like this might have been agreed upon, and it was a suspicion which grew wings when we signed Ramsey in the summer. He looks to me like a future midfield engine to be groomed under Fabregas as his long-term replacement.

Very interested to know your views on this.

Finally, yesterday Grabber pointed out that with Homer and Carl already involved, all we needed was a Lenny to complete the world’s first Simpson’s-based strikeforce. Terrifying indeed. Well, guess what? If the newspaper reports were right in November then that’s exactly who will be arriving in January – Palmeiras’ pint-sized scoring sensation Lenny!

So there it is, UpForGrabsNow has scooped the world’s media. This stuff about signing talented youngsters is just a cover for Arsene’s crazed attempt to assemble a team of Simpson’s characters. The next time you see a player linked with the club, you’ll know if Arsene’s really interested by his name.

Xabi Alonso? Don’t remember seeing him in Springfield Elementary too often, do you? Little known Bolivian hardman Barney Gumblinho? Expect to see his popular “Gumblinho 48″ shirt all over the Emirates come January.

Happy Monday to you all. Yesterday was Sunday, which for me was significant in that I didn’t actually see the sunlight at all. I went to bed at six thirty and woke up at five, feeling really rather peculiar.

Most of the Arsenal coverage this morning lurches, predictably, back to the ‘doom and gloom’ setting after a brief interlude to spread joy and light after the united victory. Suffice it to say most of it’s beyond rubbish. Whatever people might say, our season is very far from ‘over’. Aside from the Champions League and domestic cups, in which we’ve so far looked pretty convincing, in no sense have we lost the league. And Arsenal fans with even very slight memories might remember a few seasons in which we’ve come back from weak starts, and a few more where we’ve started very strongly only to throw it away at the end…

Goonerholic has a piece about how Cesc should go home for a holiday. This intrigued me. Whilst he has looked a bit off the boil, so far I’ve thought this was as much to do with despair at the ineptitude of his teammates, and his lack of compatibility with Denison (at least compared to the Flamster). But perhaps he is just tired. I have now conjured in my head an image of Cesc trudging home to Barcelona, perhaps with his belongings wrapped in a handkerchief attached to a stick, before collapsing into the bosom of his mother and eating some jamon Serrano and drinking sangria. There’s then a montage of him doing Barcelona-like things like visiting the church and lifting logs in the snow, before returning refreshed and in time for the big game.

My imagination then continues to the big game, in which he repeatedly passes to Bendtner, who controls the ball with a typically grandiose first touch and then does a step over, falls over and watches the ball roll out for a goal kick. Cesc then starts pouring gasoline over himself like the guy in Airplane!

Hmmm. It’s very difficult to know what to say today. The lessons are essentially the same as they were before, and after, the united game. If I were the boss I’d certainly be tempted to mix it up a bit – perhaps give Ramzoid a start, or Carl, or change something at the back.

Dropping LeGal might put a rocket up a few arses but not, I fear, his own. He sometimes gives the impression of being too thick to even realise things like that – he’d probably think that being dropped was some sort of special prize. It’s also unclear who would be stronger. Toure and Silvestre? Djourou in there somewhere? Who knows. Should be an interesting week, anyway.

For anyone feeling a bit sad about Arsenal, this should cheer you up a bit. I honestly believe my family could have died in an impending nuclear holocaust and it would still make me chuckle. That is supposing, of course, that YouTube was still working right up to the last minute.