Up For Grabs Now

So we won last night against West Brom thanks to a goal from Sanchez Watt, I said a goal from Sanchez Watt, what? A goal from Sanchez what what. Sanchez – what, has the man no surname, what? No, he’s Sanchez Watt. Ah, Sanchez Watt. Yes. What.

That’s quite enough of that, you might think. And you would be right. Carl Vela popped up for the second one, and that was game over. We were helped by the fact that Jerome Thomas got sent off. This is a nice, circular and almost poetic conclusion to a saga that has been ongoing.

Dedicated and keen-eyed supporters will remember Jerome Thomas as a striker at Arsenal way back in the day who after some early promise fell victim to Arsene’s policy of only having one striker with two first names. In one of our typically made-up exclusives, I can give you the full transcript of their final, fateful exchange:

AW: Ah, hello Jerome.

            JT: Sorry to bother, boss, just I’ve been hearing some rumours.

            AW: Ah yes?

            JT: Well it’s just some of the boys been saying you’re hiring a new striker with two first names.

            AW: Ah, oui. I was meaning to speak with you about this.

            JT: So it’s true?

            AW: A oui. Ah am afraid so.

            JT: But boss!

            AW: Eet is not your fault. Eet is just both of his first names are so very fine.

            JT: What are they?

            AW: Well one of his first names is Henry. And the first first name is Thierry. It is French for Thierry. You must agree it is a fine first name no?

            JT:  What’s wrong with Jerome? Jerome’s a nice first name.

            AW: A oui. But it eez not so French as Thierry.

            JT: Yes its. Jerome. It’s French.

            AW: A oui, but it does not sound so French like Thierry. Thierry is a lovely French first name. Henry is a lovely English first name. It is not your fault that Jerome and Thomas are not such nice first names. I am sorry. I really wanted you to be the striker with two first names, but Thierry and Henry are just much nicer first names. He sounds like an artiste, you sound like a, how you say, peinteir et decorateur…

            JT: mumbling bitterly, crying slightly – I’ll never forget this, boss. You’ve done me over here. I’ll get my revenge one day. Just you wait. In a future Carling Cup match I will slightly push a rising starlet of yours. Then you’ll be sorry!

            AW: Ah ha ha. Oh no, Jerome Thomas. I will not. For after this leetle push a revenge goal will be scored by your nemesis, a young striker with not two, not one, but zheroh first names! EE will be called Sanchez Watt, and of eem up and down the country will be said – Sanchez Watt? And ah will reply, a oui. Sanchez Watt – the bandit with no first names. You may interrogate a Mexican with him. The Mexican Inquistion…non. Actually non.

Nobody expects the Sanchez inquisition. 

Don’t forget you can still win one of five ‘Gaffer’ mugs from our friends down at Philosophy Football. Simply answer the following question – How many doubles have Arsenal won under Arsene Wenger? Answers with your personal details (specifically address/email) to admin@philosophyfootball.com by the end of September. 

Reports of our death have been greatly exaggerated, but thank you to all for your messages of goodwill and support. There we were thinking the only people who read this were Arsene Wenger, Le Grove and a few other crazed obsessives, but it turns out there are several more of you prepared to tolerate the half-baked rumour and complete bollies that we insist on perpetuating. Good for you, and I’m very pleased that a single missed blog brings out the worst in you.

I should warn you that it looks as if there might be more. We feel that by continually peddling low-rent transfer gossip we are lowering ourselves slightly, and I only ever like to lower myself emphatically. We shall still try to get something out every day, but as they say if there’s nothing doing, there’s nothing doing, and we won’t waste your valuable time. Even if some of you have more of it to spare than others…

Today I’d like to talk about Bentdner again, and particularly Arsene’s apologia for him in his weekly email:

It is so cold for the subs when you come on it is not easy. You sit there for an hour and you start to warm up until you come on. When you really get into the game, the game is over. When Nicklas came on there were 15 minutes left and he had no real time to warm up really.

Overall this season, he had an injury problem with his ankle and I thought it affected his game a little bit, especially with his back to goal. He looks in training as if he is sharp again. He had some difficult periods because of those problems with his ankle but now slowly he is getting back to where he will be.

I have a few problems with this, not least the bits where he complains about the ‘cold’ concerning a man from, er, Denmark. Also the construction ’slowly he is getting back to where he will be’. Even with Arsene’s notriously complex use of English, this seems a bit much. The point is that the big-blonde-barmily-booted one hasn’t looked as if he’s improved much this season at all, and this time there isn’t even the excuse of injuries, as there is in midfield. It also doesn’t look as if he’s going to be going anywhere. What I’m hoping is that either he massively improves (although in some ways his rubbishness provokes me to wish him otherwise), or as our attacking midfielders get fitter one of them steps up to fill the vacancy. Carl, perhaps.

Speaking of which, does anybody know why the song for the midget Mexican is now ‘Vela’ pronounced to rhyme with ’superstar’ and ‘Cantona’, as opposed to the conventional usage of Rihanna’s ‘Umbrella’ song, as agreed by all UFGN users…?

Most peculiar, I think we can all agree.

My, don’t I feel rough today? After I had between twenty-five and a million beers I got home and felt nostalgic for my childhood, so prepared myself a soft boiled egg and dipping soldiers, then ate it quietly on my own as I thought fondly of my youth.

Anyway, this now means that I can’t have that for breakfast, much as I’d like to, because I ate my last egg. Which is a pity, because right now I’d love to eat it quietly on my own and think fondly of the Arsenal of my youth.

But speaking of the youth of Arsenal, it has buggered itself, in the form of  L’il Theo Walcott dislocating his shoulder and being out for three months. Three months! I’m sure that I’ve seen people in documentaries like Rambo dislocating their shoulders, popping them back in and then heading back to snog a girl and fight a war. The least Theo could do is pop it back in and head back in time to beat teams like Hull City.

Honestly. Theo? Why Theo? Why not Gallas, or Eh?boohim? Or Bendtner? Eh?boohim could be out for a thousand years and I wouldn’t worry, except that he might get bored with his Buckaroo and finally reveal What Arsene Did Last Summer. Not that I wouldn’t like to know What Arsene Did Last Summer, but I fear it might make for an awkward mid-season.

Anyway, in practical terms what Theo’s injury does is give us a bit of a headache in midfield. Without him on the right the boss has a few questions to answer, particularly since his width has been one of the best things about the team this season. One option would be to put Nasri on the right, though with Sammy playing so well on the left it seems a bit unlikely. In that scenario you could put Carl on the left, and give him a chance to start darting inside like Rob Pires. I wonder about his defensive qualities, though, especially with Gael not quite at the top of his game either. I expect Wenger will play it cautiously, and that we’ll see a lot of out of position Diaby, perhaps broken intermittently by inappropriate outbursts of Song.

Ach. I’m beginning to depress myself. If anyone’s got non-depressing ideas I’d love to hear them, particularly if they involve Young Jack Wilshere or the Ramzoid.

Aside from his headache, Arsene’s likely to be furious, as he never likes the timing of international matches like these anyway, and least of all when people leave the comforting bubblewrap of Arsenal and go and injure themselves horribly with their national teams. I mean what do they put in the water? Maybe someone was jealous of his trainers and barged into him before stealing his lunch money.

Le Grove has a depressing piece about the possible financial and ownership implications of another season without silverware, though I have to say I disagree with it. I think the fans are more patient than that, and also the small-stake shareholders he’s talking about, who might want to sell, were probably never in it for profit anyway but instead have shares to express their love for the club, however frustrating it might be sometimes… worth thinking about, still.

I don’t want to end on a depressing note, so here’s this from a couple of years ago… Still very funny, though it has a certain horrible hubris now. Much as it did in the original, I suppose.

Mmm. Saturday. In the olden days this used to mean ‘football day’, but no longer: my small brother (he’s young, not a dwarf), called upstairs to my father -

“When’s the game?”

“Usual time”

“What’s that?”

Honestly. Young people today, eh?

Anyway, at the usual time today we have Aston Villa, a team everyone expected great things of this season but who’ve not lookd so hot in the last few (Agbonlahor’s lack of goals precipitating a precipitous slide down the fantasy league table for myself. The bastard). Still they’re fifth in the league which doesn’t happen completely by accident, so we should expect them to make some chances, though if we’re up for it like we were against United I expect us to win – perhaps by a couple.

One player with fond memories of Arsenal is Steve Sidwell, who’s interviewed in the Times. The piece is pretty boring, so I won’t link it, but he does say he feels a bit frustrated that he didn’t get more first team chances – surely a rebuke to those who’ve been accusing Arsene of devaluing the Carling Cup. Under the current set-up Sidwell would no doubt have been blooded in Carling Cup matches, and had his chance to show what he could do under pressure and expectation. In the end he had to go round the houses a bit via Reading, but it’s good to see him back at or at least near the top. I’ve always liked Sidwell, and again here he seems to have a more sensible take on things than others, specifically Giant Mousey Pikey Knobbutlers.

Despite what I wrote the other day, it seems likely that Nik Bendtner will play again today, in lieu of Carl. This is unequivocally a pity, and much as I’d love to I’m not even sure we can fairly say it’s ‘make or break’ time for the Big Dane, even with RvP back after today and Eduardo on the horizon, because Arsene seems sold on his Big Danish physical qualities. A bit like Lego, i suppose.

It’s as if Arsene had decided at the start of the evening he wanted to do a snog on a tall blonde girl (say from Denmark), and despite the nightspot being brimful of exotic, (say Mexican?) tanned, beauties, all of whom are mustard keen for him, he persists in buying Smirnoff Ices for the one tall blonde bird even though she’s not interested at all, and couldn’t head the ball if it was strapped to the wall at head height.  Very frustrating.

That said, come on the Arsenal . More later, as part of our new ‘rapid response’ blog campaign, by which time hopefully we’ll have three shiny new points to admire. Come here for all your post-match debate needs…

Update: The Gunnerlings have been drawn away to Burnley in the Carling Cup. Quite honestly (and with al due respect and all that sort of guff) I think Carlos and Co. will be licking their pubescent chops about this. Shame it’s not a home draw, but YUM nonetheless.

Roooaaaaarrrrr.

Is emphatically not how I feel. But then again, how I feel is nothing compared to how I look. How I look is like a man covered in glow paint, a small amount of beard and a larger amount of self-loathing.

Ah yes, the Arsenal.

Surprisingly little Arsenal news this morning, all things considered. Mostly there’s fall out, or whatever fall out’s happier cousin is, perhaps ‘step up’? Or ‘climb in’. Yes, climb in. So, mostly today there’s climb in from the Wigan game, with particular praise being lavished on the transpubescent shoulders of Young Jack Wilshere, alongside the less novel plaudits for the Ramzoid and Carl. Nothing to get a newspaperman’s attention like a young Englishman who’s good at football, is there? And yet still, people will doubt winge that Arsene has never made an English footballer, or some other rubbish.

Apparently Young Jack Wilshere is like Paul Gascoigne. If he’s like Paul Gascoigne then I would like to use this forum to advertise myself for the position of his Fivebellies. Aside from helping him to keep it real, I’m also handy with a fire extinguisher, good in a dentist’s chair and not mental.

Speaking seriously I hope Young Jack Wilshere has an alright time of it. I know people will look to Theo and talk about Wenger’s track record with bringing through youth players, but I feel Wilshere is a special case in that he is so young, and comes chasing both the expectations created by Theo and also an Emirates crowd aching for a London boy – you can hear the extra roar when his name is announced over the tannoy. They’re bitter about Cashley Hole. Bitter and angry, and a wholesome homeboy is just what they need. It’s occurred to me that all this talk of the collective need for a boy is questionable, so I’ll stop, but you get the idea. I just hope he’s got a cool young head on his young shoulders – I’ve always felt that Theo was uniquely together and collected – it’s easy to assume all youngsters will be equally able to cope.

Anyway aside from all that bollies it’s probably worth mentioning the scum, and specifically their worrying discovery of how to play football. Harry Redknapp, to my mind, has so far escaped becoming a knob, but if his team continue to score goals then his name may have to become Harry Redknobb, and nobody wants that…

But with Liverpool and Chelsea both out the competition is seriously open. If we can get rid of the mankers then there’s a competition the Colts can cast a realistic eye towards, and what could be better? Other than the other competitions, of course, but a winning Colts team will put some pressure on the old boys. If I were Bendtner I’d be seriously worried about Carl, who appears to be his opposite, being short, dark and able to play football. Perhaps if they ever play together one will have to destroy the other, like a Dostoyevskian doubling. I wasn’t so worried about damaging his subjunctivity, and if I were the manager, I’d be seriously tempted to start Carl against Villa. Let me know if that’s wrong.

I’m not mentioning Dooda Monster’s antics last night, because they’re beneath contempt. He’s as close as you can get to a giant bannister covered in vagina.

And anything else. Until later.

That was fun, wasn’t it? The Junior Gunners dished out a stylish 3-0 thumping to a full-strength Wigan team. I saw the Wigan line-up and thought to myself ”Ok, so there’s no Heskey and the poor buggers have been forced to start Titus Bramble. Wait, hold on, what’s that? You mean Bruce actually chooses to have Titus in his team every week? That’s crazy-talk, at his best he’s a sort of nightmarish version of Pascal Cygan! Vela will eat him alive!”

And how the little scamp gorged himself on Titus’ tender flesh. Wenger has the pleasing knack of finding players so extraordinarily speedy that their favourite trick is simply to hoof the ball into loads of space, giving the defender a 15-20 yard start before tearing past them in a hilarious display of rapidity (I’m thinking Thierry, Overmars, pre-insanity Anelka, Gael, Theo). The second and third goals yesterday put Carlos Vela firmly in this category.

For the second Carlos tore past Boyce down the left before unselfishly crossing for Jay Simpson, who took both of his goals very well, crashed an early shot against the crossbar, and would have had all the headlines to himself in a normal game. What took those headlines off him was quite simply one of the single best touches of a football by any foot belonging to a representative of Arsenal Football Club. The only one I can think of as definitely being better was the one with which The Great Dennis Bergkamp humiliated The Distinctly Average Nikos Dabizas in 2002, though I’d love to know if anyone can think of others. 

Sprinting at full tilt and with Bramble charging towards him, Carlos struck a chip so good that God ought to have dashed downstairs, frozen it in time, bubble-wrapped the entire Emirates Stadium and turned it into an official World Heritage Site. Truly, a chip of outstanding natural beauty. The fans behind the goal watched it float in with open-mouthed astonishment. Actually, some of them even looked a bit scared. 

The great thing about this kid is that he doesn’t just score goals, he scores incredible goals, and watching him play he gives off the impression that he can do absolutely anything he likes with a football. I thought his link up play feeding Simpson in the first half was excellent, showing there’s more to his game than just incredible finishing.

Post-match, Arsene said he was very surprised that Carlos missed his first half chance. Good, so was I. In fact for a horrible moment I thought he’d caught the dreaded Arsenalitis and would be doomed to spend the rest of his career galivanting through opposition defences before needlessly pissing away great chances. We need more strikers who surprise you when they miss – they’re definitely better than the ones whose misses are buttock-clenchingly predictable. Arsene also referred to “the other team” who beat United. Yikes. No second and first teams any more then?

Two players who must be getting close to playing regularly for “the other team” are Ramsey and Wilshere. Both looked first class last night and I thought Charlie Nicholas (who couldn’t stop smiling, bless him) made an insightful comparison between Wilshere and Deco. Both are midfielders who seem to do everything required of the modern midfielder. Let’s hope that, like Deco, Jack leads his team (us, that is) to two European Cup triumphs. Let’s also hope that, unlike Deco, he doesn’t become a whingeing, cheating git who regularly competes with Cristiano Ronaldo at major international tournaments for the title of Most Despicable Human Being.

Finally, seeing Eduardo sitting on the bench in Arsenal kit made me feel all warm and nice. As would a crushing Liverpool victory at Shite Hart Lane tonight, come to think of it.

We’re playing Wigan tonight. This is great. Rather oddly, I’ve come to love these Carling Cup matches. We’re on a hiding to nothing, it seems to me. Hang on, no. We’re on a hiding to everything. Is that right? No. We’ve got nothing to lose. Yes, that’s better. If we win (and I suspect we shall, but I wouldn’t say it very loudly) then we can talk loudly about how great our youngsters are, how exciting our future is, etc etc. If we lose, (and I suspect we shan’t, but I wouldn’t say it very loudly) then we can just talk about how it’s a Mickey Mouse competition. Actually, not even Mickey Mouse, as Mickey Mouse is quite a big and important cartoon. Maybe more like a Pluto character; big and shit, and fit for minor North London club sides and which our Colts XI can use as a warm up before the big youth game.

Etc.

It’s also the case that whilst previously the team has obviously been our youngsters, this season our first team is so young that the Carling Cup lot, being even younger, are comically young.

Still, there are some things to look out for. Zaki, doyen of fantasy football teams everywhere, will be playing and tends to score, but then again so will Carlos Vela. I’ve heard some people say that they’d like to see Vela play more, but I have mixed feelings about it. Whilst part of me would be delighted that he would play well, score goals and win matches for us, the other part of me would be sorry to see his potential revealed. At the moment he’s a little bundle of potential that sits on our bench, all warm and subjunctive. You hear murmurs around the Emirates as we get to the seventieth minute:

Murmurer 1: Oooh, I’d love to see Vela get a run at ‘em…

Murmurer 2: Oooh, Wenger never will. Playing it cautious, you see…

Murmurer 1: Ah, yes, I see. Very sensible. Good thing he’s bringing on Song though. That’ll lock things down.

Murmurer 2: Oooh, yes, I should think so.

Arsenal concede.

Murmurers (together): Bollocks.

Who knows what would happen if he came on…

I don’t usually do this but I feel I must bring this terrible article to the attention of the loyal readers. 

The headline on the newsnow feed for this story is, quite literally, ‘Wenger to decide on January transfer activity’. What’s that, you say? ‘But he’s the manager’, you cry? Possibly you expect it’s more complicated than this. It isn’t. That is literally all it says. The article might as well read ‘Arsene Wenger does job’. I mean honestly who else is going to decide on transfer activity? Me? Celebrity Television Doctor Professor Robert Winston? From which tree did these people fall?

In other news, and to prove the veracity of our reporting to those of you who questioned earlier pieces, Arsene has cleared up the Barack Obama transfer issue, reiterating his faith in his youngsters and explaining why he doesn’t need to bring people in, least of all American Presidents-Elect the wrong side of forty-five, whatever the success some MLS players have had in England before. It’s not even a problem that he’s better-suited to (and perhaps better at) basketball, as Adebayor will no doubt testify.

As ever, if you have any threats or abuse, please send them in to us at upforgrabsnow@googlemail.com

Until then, let’s hope for a good one tonight. Come on the boys (literally) (actually not literally, that’s kind of gross, but you catch my drift),

Luego.