Up For Grabs Now

So Arsenal can go top tonight if they duff Bolton by two goals or more. They can hit the heights, rule the roost, lead the pack, top the division and no doubt indulge in a number of other activities which make them sound like an accomplished and particularly dominant sexual partner, like Sting with more aggression.

Bolton may turn up with the vengeance mentality which saw Everton dazzle last week, and which saw Carlos Tevez mercilessly goad Ferguson and Neville last night.

For some reason Guy Mowbray kept indulging Tevez’s infantile benchward pouting by making it sound like some kind of redemptive justice was being achieved, just as he mysteriously described the pelting of Patrice Evra by City fans as ‘overexuberance’. Which is what you expect from an especially energetic bear-cub which accidentally cuffs its cuddly playmate, not some Manc bastard who throws a lighter at an opposition full-back from all of three feet away. But what do you expect when two such detestable institutions come face to face on live television? Dreadful.

Still, wasn’t it lovely to see Gazza Neville looking so pissed off? Let’s hope he gets banned. Banned from scowling on the bench beneath his revolting moustache, cos he certainly isn’t going to get a game.

In his current guise – slow, violent, hateful, nauseatingly coiffured - the Neviller would be better suited to the Bolton side we’ll be looking to dismantle this evening. What a snide and stroppy bunch they turned out to be, what with kneeing Cesc in the neck, elbowing Arshavin and all-sorts.

Coyle will surely have his men fired up, but after the callous disregard they showed toward our superstar skipper, let’s hope that our eleven are just as keen. With Denilson, Walcott and Clichy all available, I suspect we’ll start Almunia; HM The Right Back, Vermaelen, Le Gal, Clichy; Denilson, Cesc, Diaby, Rosicky, Eduardo, Arshavin.

But then, Arsene could always throw in a suprise. Like Sanchez Watt. What? Sanchez Watt. Oh, Sanchez Watt, of course. Is he available? It wouldn’t be the first time, not even the first time in three days, that Arsene has picked a young ‘un. Personally I thought Eastmond was pretty impressive, especially if you compare his performance with, say, certain of the early Outbursts of Song. Obviously consistency is the toughest thing at that age, but a very promising player I think and I won’t be complaining if he keeps his place in the side tonight.

If it’s him or Denilson anchoring then we can expect to see yet more Joyous Cesc, complemented by the throbbing force that is The Diaby Surge, which in recent months has more or less replaced the Out of Position Diaby to which we had become all too accustomed.

With Cesc back in the side, Diaby is no longer the fulcrum of our play, but he’s still an increasingly destructive attacking force, particularly when his Surge draws hapless tacklers and defenders towards him. This often creates the glimpse of space this team needs in order to break out of  the Islington Shuffle and cut through.

So maybe he is a fulcrum, of sorts. But then maybe a team needs more than just one fulcrum. Come to think of it, if we ever manage to field Cesc, Rosicky, Diaby and Nasri we will have no fewer than four bona fide fulcra, to which you can add Arshavin if he’s in the mood.

It’s all tremendously exciting.

What’s that you say? Bosh? Bosh? Yes. Bosh. The season has returned and so, emphatically, have the Arsenal. There isn’t much to say about a game in which the only negative was their consolation goal, but I’m here now so I might as well say something.

Firstly a warning. I watched the game in one of the most unpleasant places in Europe, the ‘Sports Café’ on Haymarket, in which you pay £4 for a pint and the privilege of sitting on a pool table surrounded by £200,000 worth of televisions and a large amount of potential violence. But even the grossness of this didn’t make a big difference. I just wanted to get the message out so others don’t follow me. Don’t go. They’re a pack of cunnis.

How to do this? Perhaps goal by goal. Yes.

So the first was a Denilson screamer. I had been bemoaning the little Brazilian, and wondering why he was in the side, and then he only goes and smashes it in from outside the box, with a shot that curved away from Timmy Cunt Tourette’s in a completely unsaveable fashion. For the same reason I will be cheering Didier Drogba at every opportunity this season. 1-0 to the Arsenal, as they say.

The second was lovely to see, because it was the sort of goal that other teams have always scored, but which has always eluded us. Much in the same way that Arshavin appeared not to have been taught the Islington Shuffle, neither did Vermaelen appear to have been taught the ‘no headers’ rule. Instead Robin whipped in a perfect ball, dipping to the back post, and the Non-Cunty Vidic Lookalike From Belgium jumped and banged it in. Great. 2-0. The N-CVLFB looked really solid, admittedly against the hapless Fellaini, but even hopeless novelty-affro strikers need a bit of marking. He also looked comfortable with Gallas. Promising.

The third was similar – perhaps inspired by the others, Cesc and Gallas teamed up for another cross-header-goal routine, which must have led the whole team to wonder why they hadn’t thought of it before, so much easier is it than Islington Shuffling it into the back of the net. It’s worth mentioning that their task, in both cases, was aided somewhat by the almost eerie absence of any defenders trying to impede them in their task. This won’t be the case against all teams. Funny that we lose our tall striker and immediately score two headed goals. Andepaymor?

3-0 half-time, and presumably a ‘tres bien’ from the boss. We might have sat back and enjoyed it, but you always thought we might get another one, and if the headers were Arsenal innovations, the fourth was distinctly old-school. On the break, van Persie surged down the left, crossed it through the defender’s legs to the onrushing Cesc, who in turn powered it between Timmy Cunt Tourette’s’. 4-0 to the Arsenal, sang the Sports Café, or at least they would have done had it not been for the sense of potential violence in the air.

The fifth was even easier, with Manuel the Spanish Waiter Goalkeeper finding Cesc, who wandered through the midfield as if it were a National Trust meadow before, finding he was near the Everton goal spanking it in along the ground. Once again the defence should be commended for parting like the Red Sea at his approach – despite carrying the ball for about 30 yards Cesc didn’t evade a single challenge.

5-0, and you thought there might be some mercy. None of it. Arshavin, keen to get in on the action himself, performed some fantastically deft footwork in a crowded box and squeezed one that just came off the post, whereupon one of our Crozilian strikers was on hand to tap it in. Good for him, though I was sorry not to see Andrei score. I suspect he will at some point.

Right at the end we did some cack defending and Saha passed it in, but it was the 93^rd minute or something so you can’t get too worried about it.

All in all, though, a great statement of intent, and one of sufficient calibre that I am going to go down today and count the instances of the phrase ‘statement of intent’ in the newspapers. Oh yes. Welcome back to the Arsenal. We’ve missed you. 

I think this could be a fun season. 

After it emerged today that Barcelona’s chief executive Cheeky Burgerstain had set a final deadline of Tuesday for the Catalan club to complete the signing of Arsenal skipper Cesc Fabregas, UpForGrabsNow was quickly on the scent.

We can exclusively invent that Arsenal big-wig Ivan “Gazza” Gazidis was seen buying a meal-deal in Boots’ Stansted Airport branch. Top-earning Gazidis was seen scratching his nose next to the low-fat yoghurt range, and was later spotted eating Hula-Hoops one by one from the end of each fingertip.

We understand that Gazidis was on his way to crunch talks at Camp Nou about the possible transfer of Fabregas. He is believed to have agreed a deal in principle for the sale of the young Spaniard, on the condition that any such deal go through only after the cows have come home.

If you’re after a more serious article, check out my take on the Wenger Haters, or a general whinge about billionaires ruining our fun.

Arsene Wenger has today sanctioned a deal to bring leggy diva Beyonce Knowles to the Emirates next season. It is believed Wenger moved for Knowles after leggy diva Emmanuel Adebayor revealed to a bewildered English press that it was the lure of Beyonce which had made him seriously consider joining Milan last summer.

Knowles: Finally a long-term successor to Ray Parlour

‘Le Prof’ is known to consult players over signings, however the arrival of Knowles remains something of a surprise since she has no experience of top-flight football and had been enjoying a flourishing solo career. Her record company Columbia Records are said to be phlegmatic about the loss of Knowles, and they have high hopes for her replacement, Phillipe Senderos, who was included in the undisclosed deal at the last minute.

In an EXCLUSIVE interview with Arsenal TVOnline, Senderos thanked Gunners fans for their support throughout his time at the club, but admitted that the chance to become a major recording artist was  too good to turn down.

[That's enough claptrap - Ed]

So a fun weekend, a weekend of Cescy goals, a lead over Villa expanding faster than Simon Cowell’s cup-size, Tottenham once again humiliating themselves in the public eye and United having heinous decision after heinous decision go in their favour. First the penalty, then Giggs. Tragic. It’s enough to make you poke your eyes out with your housekeys then jump out the window.

Hopefully, United will now regard themselves as unbeatable and will be brought crashing down from their hubristic height by the irresistible Islington Shuffle when it smashes into The Theatre of Dreams (no hubris there then, nope, none) in its polite, non-aggressive, why-not-square-it-again way on Wednesday.

Nah, I hope Ronaldo and Rooney both miss penalties and are mercilessly goaded by Eboue and a suddenly vindictive Abou Diaby (in the timeless manner of Keown - God I love Keown), and then Alex Song scores a second-half hatrick to place the tie out of their reach. No club deserves a good kicking like United do now, the nobbers.

Infuriating United Fact: Between 1993 and 2003 United conceded a massive FIVE penalties at Old Trafford in the Premiership. Right. So away penalties are biennial in Manchester, then? A bit like the African Cup of Nations.

The chat is that Nasri might play defensive midfield, freeing up Cesc to wreak all kinds of chaos. I’d be surprised if this happens, firstly because Rob’s injury sort of means Nasri has to play on the left (Diaby, anyone?) and also because I think we’ll start with Song and Denilson in defensive midfield, which would still give Cesc a bit of freedom to roam.

What do you think? Who’d you start with?

Far too nervous to type properly, let alone attempt any cheeky gags.

No. Today is not the day for such tomfoolery. It is a day for soldiers, for stiffening the sinews and summoning up the blood. And hopefully ribald celebration come 7pm.

With our defence decimated (count them – no Almunia, no Gallas, no Sagna, no Clichy, no Djourou, possibly no Gibbs) we could very well end up with Alex Song at centre half and Silvestre at left-back. If anyone has any other suggestions, please can you let me (or preferably Arsene, actually) know asap. Word is that Gibbs is looking better than previously thought, though it’s a very big game for such a young fella to be coming into in doubtful shape. He will have to imitate the action of the tiger this afternoon, if he plays.

Song played in central defence at Old Trafford at the end of last season and did pretty well – Wenger always said this would be his long term position (though that has probably changed now). But he’s on form and high in confidence, so it may not be the worst thing, though it would leave our midfield shorn of its enforcer against Lampard, Essien and Ballack. <gulp>

It could be a very telling team selection today from Arsene, I think, especially (and for very different reasons) in the top half of the pitch. My guess is that he’ll sacrifice Nasri for Arshavin and play a kind of 4-4-1-1 as he did the other night, with Van Persie dropping pretty deep.

In their game at Anfield, Guus was intelligent enough to figure out that Liverpool minus Gerrard = Not That Great, and that Gerrard divided by Essien = An Easy Win for Chelsea. I really hope he won’t try and pull similar feats of central midfield algebra on Cesc today, but I rather worry that this is exactly the evil scheme up his sleeve. If Cesc’s playing with Essien on top of him all day, he will need to have an absolute blinder which, being famously good at football, is certainly not beyond him.

Is there an argument for playing the evanescent Eboue ahead of Theo? How much might Eboue’s knowledge of Arsene’s shady activities Last Summer win him favour for today’s team sheet? Interested to know what kind of front 6 you’d pick if you were everyone’s favourite alsatian Alsatian.

Chelsea’s Bruisers are in top cup form, and they showed on Tuesday that they’re not afraid to spoil a good story. Their main threats are: Hiddink (as RvP pointed out, the luckiest man in the world and apparently beloved of referees and linesmen all over the world), Essien, Lampard and Drogba.

The other night, Drogba was about as good as they get. Pretty unplayable. Let’s see some of that from Ade today, please, and none of that from Arsenal reject Didier. Wouldn’t it be great if Song totally outplayed him? That would really give the English press something to be confused about.

COME ON ARSENAL! Let’s give them a good Duffing! (We’ve been doing it since 1947 after all)

I love European nights, don’t you?

I think on reflection no Arsenal fan can be unhappy with getting away with 1-1 last night. In a tense match we were absolutely bossed for the first 45 minutes, particularly after Marcos Senna scored a stonker of a goal that Almunia, injury or no, didn’t really have a chance with. People will say Song should have closed him down but you can’t really legislate for that kind of strike, and on the whole Song had a good game. There’s something of the Gilberto about him, in that he doesn’t appear to do a whole lot but is very often doing something sensible, and appearing at useful moments. He’s also got a nice line in the subtle robust-clatter-from-behind-on-skillful-opposition-midfielder, which we’ve been missing in the middle of the park for some time now. Good to see. Man’s game, and all that. We’re seeing there’s more to Song than just a fragrance-modeller.

Other than that the first half didn’t have much to recommend it from an Arsenal point-of-view. Their lot passed it around neatly, and were getting in behind the defenders quite effectively. I wonder if that’s a tactical thing about European sides that’s not a problem in the domestic league – anyway, we looked quite vulnerable, and Gallas and Toure were doing a bit of their terrifying ‘you get it’ ‘no, you get it’ double act. We were pretty lucky only to be one down – Fabianski when he came on made a great save at his post – was my conclusion from the first half.

We did manage to get the ball in the net, after Cesc took a quick free quick, but he promptly got booked for his trouble, though that was only because Ray Wilkins was refereeing, and as we all know, Ray Wilkins with his Chelsea allegiances was after revenge for Thierry’s successful use of the quick free quick all those years ago.

The second half was much better – we came at them much more convincingly, and then, all of a sudden, we scored. I thought it was very good of ITV, given that I was watching the game in order to see it live, to show, rather than the scoring of the goal, Adebayor wheeling away in celebration. However, the replays confirmed that it was  a cracking finish – a quasi bicycle kick, and the third Cesc-Adebayor combo goal in two matches. Those two must have been having secret practise sessions while they were injured, building up a ‘relationship’.

When I was a boy I tried heavily to emphasise the importance of having a ‘relationship’ with a strike partner. I saw myself playing in the hole, banging balls in from behind so my chum only had to balance himself, pull the trigger and finish the job. As I got older I tried to stop choosing my words so poorly, but it is nice to see the direct stuff working. In fact if anyone was guiltiest of Islington Shuffle last night it was the Spaniards; thankfully they won’t be able to do that sort of thing when they come round our gaff, as they have to score, which means that we’ll have more chances. Yum. 

So in conclusion. Positives: 1-1. Cesc. Song. Ade(bits), Toure/Djourou looking ok. Fabianski. Pires’ reception from the away gooners – I can’t wait for when he appears at the Emirates. Last minute Porto equaliser against United.

Negatives: Ray Wilkins being the referee. Injuries to Almunia and Gallas. Marcos Senna being excellent at football. Villarreal looking pretty competent generally.

More tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Tell your friends.

Well that was nice, wasn’t it? Two players back from injury, Cesc and Ade. Cesc gets two assists, Ade two goals, and suddenly we’re six points into the Champions League places, with Villa still to play United later today. Can’t ask for much more than that really can you?

Well, I suppose in theory you could ask for a golden bed that popped out the starlet of the day holding a Crunchie bar and a cold beer, but that would be rather beyond Arsene Wenger’s remit, so we’ll leave it and be happy with the game yesterday, in which we were comfortable, convincing and which boded very well for the crucial game against Villarreal on Tuesday.

So all in all a glorious Sunday morning to wake up to, thanks very much team. Now just as long as Villa can draw or lose to United – any thoughts on what you’d prefer? Then the whole thing will be capped off very nicely indeed.

After his stonker of a comeback Cesc moved to silence the transfer stories, and this blog, who yesterday wondered aloud about his fondness for Pep Guardiola. All I can say is Cesc Fabregas is a bigger man than I am, but you’d probably guessed that already.

The only other news is that the People thinks we’re in for a £12m 18 year old Everton defender Jack Rodwell. All I’ll say is to remind you of the first part of that statement, the one involving ‘the People thinks that’ bit, and suggest you rest easy. A young, good central defender would be no bad thing at some point, but that some point is not going to be the summer at the earliest.

Although it has grabbed my attention that they refer to him in the article as a ‘starlet’. would like to reassure readers that when I hypothesised the golden bed scenario my starlet was a woman largely in the mould of Jessica Alba, and that the crunchie was large.

Have a good Sunday, y’all. More to come about Villarreal later.

Man City this afternoon, in a game we ought to win, particularly with the absence of Stephen Ireland, who though clearly a wanker has nonetheless scored my fantasy team a lot of points this season. City have failed to deceive, or rather failed to built any further deception on the early promise of a season with Robinho et al. Robinho, despite bumping into Mark Hughes oversized forehead about his ‘star’ status, looks like he’ll just about be back, and he’s famously good at football, but fingers crossed the cack-handed ten around him will conspire not to give him any chances, as per usual.

In our news we have no RvP, Eduardo, Diaby or Sam Nasri. If you want a fun matchday game, play ‘spot the player from that list we’ll least miss’. I’d have thought the team will look something like this:

Almunia

Sagna Toure Gallas Clichy

Walcott Denilson Fabregas(yay) Arshavin

Adebayor Bendtner

Though I wouldn’t be surprised to see Theo start on the bench with Eboue on the right instead. And you never know when Alex Song is going to appear.

Particularly exciting, you’ll agree, is Arshavin and Cesc together for the first time. Funny, isn’t it, how the return of the injuries + Arshavin makes us look so much more like a good football team than we were before.

The Joan Laporta/Cesc Fabregas thing is not really worth commenting on, only to reiterate what I’ve said before about I think Cesc has a few things he wants to achieve at Arsenal before he heads to Barcelona, namely winning some stuff, and probably winning some stuff as captain. He’ll be here for at least another season or two, I’m sure. My only slight worry is that he probably would love to play under Pep Guardiola as manager (the guy was his idol as a player), and with Spanish managers in and out like a bishop in a brothel it’s difficult to say how long this dream combo for him will last. Anyway, just a bit of pessimism. It might be bollocks. The stuff we write usually is.

Three points today, please, and we’ve got six ahead of Villa before they capitulate to United tomorrow, and it’s a sunny, sunny weekend.

Don’t forget to enter the Herbert Chapman competition(still going), sign up for the free Betfair bet above and the mailing list below. 

Just a super-speedy shifty at what’s going down today:

Bendtner is injured, and could miss the City match. But we could have Cesc back, Theo and Eduardo shouldn’t be far away, and both Robin and Ade (touch wood) will be good to go. Not too big a blow, you’d think?

Cesc feels we can still win the league. I really really like Cesc, in fact I might go so far as to say that I love him. But that’s absolute cobblers.

Adebayor, who scored an outrageous goal against Cameroon (outrageous because before he scored he appeared to give Reading’s gargantuan defender Andre Bikey a sound thrashing,) disagrees with Tony Cascarino (see rant in previous post) and instead wants to stay at Arsenal. Sorry Tony. 

On balance, I reckon that’s probably a good thing. This season hasn’t been his best, but at his age and with his ability, he’s certainly worth hanging onto  as a player who could turn into something very special. Plus, while it’s extremely tempting to fantasise about what you’d do with £30 million and a hole in our strike-force (Villa, Aguero, Benzema, Bent etc), you know in your heart of hearts that if we got that money Wenger would spend £2 million on a 17 year old Austro-Hungarian full-back of Burkinabean extraction, extend Nicky Bendtner’s contract to 2034 and trouser the remaining £28 million.

Financial climate, young team, complete faith in Jay Simpson, etc.

Yet more rumblings and sudden, shifty goings on in The Boardroom. Danny Fiszman has sold about 5% of the club to Stan Kroenke (marvellously photographed here), who now has roughly 20%. Not that sure what to make of it, except that it’s probably a good thing that Usmanov isn’t having things all his own way as he tries to buy the club, and at least our Boardroom doesn’t contain a snarling Suralun Sugar, the man who sold all his shares in Sp*rs in 2007, describing his 16 year involvement with the club as “a waste of my life”.

The Sun, whose (very ugly) sister paper News of the World incensed the Arsenal community yesterday with a story about Cesc which used Barcelona’s rumour-mongering in the Spanish press as evidence for Cesc’s actual unhappiness at Arsenal, pulled out a belter of a headline on the share deal, a headline which achieved that rare fusion of top-notch punnery and bare-faced xenophobia: KROENKE BUYS MEATY STAKE!

Superb, I think we’ll all agree. If only the tabloids could stick to what they do best – idiotic witticism and the harmless libelling of celebrity chefs – rather than feeling the need to dabble in racism, nationalism, war-mongering and the general effort to terrify and intimidate their unfortunate readership into a violent, howling rage of misguided hatred and confusion. Everything would be much more chilled out, wouldn’t it?

Finally, former professional footballer Alex Hleb has been whingeing to anyone who’ll listen about his lack of playing time, being as he is in a competition for places with the best player in the world (’lil Lionel Messi), the guy who used to be the best player in the world (big Thierry Henry), and the guy who keeps Fabregas on the Spanish bench (’lil Andres Iniesta).

UpForGrabsNow would like to extend our condolences to Mr Hleb, adding that he is a complete moron. Honestly, you thought you could rock up in Catalunya and oust those 3 with your pernicious brand of Islington Ubershuffling?

Nonsense, I tell you.

Don’t forget to enter our Herbert Chapman t-shirt competition. According to the Sun newspaper, they are this summer’s “must-have” item and you can get your mitts on one really easily. See www.upforgrabsnow.com/competition for full details.

Internationals weekend and a deathly hush around the Premiership as the press feign interest in England’s game against Slovakia. Just as the Prem was getting good again, too.

One man who is never silent is Tony Cascarino.

Periodically, Mr Cascarino is asked his opinion on all things Premiership by Goal.com, an institution of dubious journalistic credentials which has ballooned into a worryingly popular site, peddling information plagiarised from other sources under the guise of being a credible news-gathering organisation.

Cascarino provides Goal.com with virtually its only original material, and as such his comments are trumpeted loudly enough to occasionally make their way into the mainstream press. Always, Cascarino is said to have spoken “exclusively” to Goal.com as though they have savagely beaten off competition from the New York Times, FourFourTwo and the Sydney Morning Post in gaining the entirely uninformed opinion of a hairdresser turned footballer turned part-time poker player, who  enjoyed the best years of his career at Millwall.

Yesterday he gave his opinion that Adebayor should be sold at the end of the season. Gee, thanks for the input, Tony.

Wenger, who is known to have consulted Chelsea and Russia boss Guus Hiddink over the recent signing of Andrey Arshavin, is sure to heed former Party Poker commentator Cascarino’s advice and offload Ade post haste.

I think you see what I mean. Bog off Cascarino, bog off Goal.com.

A bloke whose opinion I was much more interested in was Senor Fabregas, who did Cesc’s job for him this week with a “pleased that all these huge clubs are interested but I’m staying here thanks very much” sort of assessment.

The press (particularly the Daily Mail, who seem to have a real hatred for all things hooded) were really quick to jump on top of Fabregas’ one-man pitch invasion against Hull as a sign of his impending departure. For me, it was much more indicative of his passion and commitment towards the club.

What is certain is that the summer will be full of stories of Fabregas’ departure. What is most likely is that he will be staying put.

In the short term it will be fantastic to have him back, hopefully for Villarreal. The boys have done really well without him, by and large, with the dreadful run of 0-0 draws made up for by our recent good form and cup success. Fab’s return will be crucial if we’re to win anything, and if we can have him, Eduardo and Theo (Rosicky still seems a bit unrealistic in my opinion) back to their best by the start of May then I wouldn’t bet against us.

In fact, I’ll be betting for us, with Betfair’s wicked free bets (see banner at the top). Let us know how you get on!

Don’t forget to enter the Herbert Chapman t-shirt competition. I wore mine yesterday and a very attractive young lady in Sainsbury’s giggled naughtily at my shirty wit. See www.upforgrabsnow.com/competition for full details.