Posts Tagged ‘Cheeky Burgerstain’

A bad week for the bleeding soul of football

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

What’s that? Sorry I must have nodded off some time ago.

I now awake to find that the international break has passed off so far pretty much exactly as anybody with half a brain could have predicted. You can’t leave football alone without the Arsenal. Boring things happen.

A turgid defeat for already-qualified England in Ukraine shown only on the internet and in cinemas.

England getting duffed by Ukraine in a cinema. Truly the most soulless, shamelessly capitalist way of consuming football since ‘Goal 2′. Has the beautiful game really come to this?

Watching a slow-motion replay of Maradona launching himself skywards into the torrential Buenos Aires rain (and then turning himself into an amusing kind of blubbery man-sledge) I had to wonder how long it will be before the soul of the game in this country dries up completely.

Most predictable of all was the behaviour of Cheeky Burgerstain, now employed full-time by Barcelona to make bald statements of interest in Cesc Fabregas every single time Spain have a game, has shown himself to be a real professional.

He’s shown his job means much more to him than his credibility, trotting out the same old crap just 3 days after Cesc’s rapturous badge-snogathon, and any lingering sense of decency by continuing to publicly harass our captain while the young star is dealing with personal issues.

This guy is meant to be director of football at a club admired around the world, but he has turned himself into the executive equivalent of a fluffer.

It’s all very depressing.

The only bright spot is that my favourite international team, the Malawi Flames, look set to reach the African Cup of Nations for the first time in bloody ages. They need to make sure they match Guinea’s result in the Ivory Coast when they travel to Burkina Faso.

Do you see what happens to me when there’s no Arsenal?

BREAKING: Arsenal set Barca new Fabregas Deadline

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

After it emerged today that Barcelona’s chief executive Cheeky Burgerstain had set a final deadline of Tuesday for the Catalan club to complete the signing of Arsenal skipper Cesc Fabregas, UpForGrabsNow was quickly on the scent.

We can exclusively invent that Arsenal big-wig Ivan “Gazza” Gazidis was seen buying a meal-deal in Boots’ Stansted Airport branch. Top-earning Gazidis was seen scratching his nose next to the low-fat yoghurt range, and was later spotted eating Hula-Hoops one by one from the end of each fingertip.

We understand that Gazidis was on his way to crunch talks at Camp Nou about the possible transfer of Fabregas. He is believed to have agreed a deal in principle for the sale of the young Spaniard, on the condition that any such deal go through only after the cows have come home.

If you’re after a more serious article, check out my take on the Wenger Haters, or a general whinge about billionaires ruining our fun.