Up For Grabs Now

Has anybody noticed how quickly the name ‘Emirates’ has become totally acceptable? I remember all those doubters demanding that Arsenal fans gang up and insist on the rather more awkward Ashburton Grove. It probably has something to do with ‘Emirates’ not being an very recognisable brand name – more the name of a country. It would be worse were it ‘The Durex Ultra Arena’ or the ‘Mothercare Bowl’, or ‘White Hart Lane’. Emirates is neutral, and not unpleasant to the tongue. Ho hum.

You can ponder that to your heart’s content. Rather more pressing is Bolton’s visit tomorrow night, which will give us the chance of going 2^nd again, one point behind Chelsea. Not many would have given us that when we were overwhelmed by the ghastliness of Didier Drogba last month, and it’s great that we’re so competitive. No chicken counting yet, mind. He’s off to the ACN to ply his brand of muscular offensiveness over there for a bit. It’s a massive blow for them: twattishness is to the operation of that team like petrol to a large, dreadful car, and Didier is like a big fat girlie-haired tank full of the stuff. I’d be extremely surprised if they got through without dropping some points – all that matters is that we capitalise.

We’re not without our own absences – notably Alex Song, who provided a timely reminder of his excellence with a granite performance against West Ham, which should certainly have earned him man of the match had it not been for Ramsay’s  He provokes such confusing sensations, does Song. I spent so long mocking him at every opportunity through the medium of sarcastic praise that now he’s become a Talismanic Cog™ I’ve become all conflicted. He’ll be missed, and with Cesc’s injury proving troublesome there will be high expectations of Diaby and Ramsay. Ramsay I’m hopeful for, Diaby fingers crossed.

If the predicted sub-zero temperatures materialise then the Bolton fans will suddenly feel at home, like the zombies from 28 Days Later in the dark, and the Emirates will be transformed from a hospitable place with a handful of moronic Northerners terrified and cowering from the level of civilisation into an inhospitable Artic place filled with semi-naked moronic Northerners imbued with the confidence of the frostbitten mind. The midfield, in particular, will have to have their angry faces on, particularly if Arshavin’s dodginess is as bad as some fear – he and Big Tom are the only ones really cut out for the cold.

On the plus side, Bolton are unsettled and leak goals like Tiger Woods leaks credibility, and are at present staring longingly at the non-relegation part of the league like Alex Ferguson watching a video of himself when he was younger, before he was transformed into a barmy time-denier who spends his Sunday evenings wandering around complaining that the hilariously benevolent five minutes of injury time was not enough for his team of crack idiotic millionaires to score an equaliser against the Most Unpleasant Side In History.

Sorry for being so intermittent of late. Both Grabs and myself have been indulging our other scribbly personae – mine to forge a living, his to – well I’ve no idea really. But something. We’re back in force for the new year – Gingers For Limpar and others can rest easy.

Come on you reds.

So UEFA have thrown the book at Eduardo. To be precise, they have thrown Article 10, section 1, point c of the UEFA Disciplinary Guide at him. He has been given:

“suspension for two competition matches or for a specified period for acting with the obvious intent to cause any match official to make an incorrect decision or supporting his error of judgement and thereby causing him to make an incorrect decision.”

Introduced in 2006 the rule has only ever used in incidents involving the Scottish FA (twice – this is the second time). One is put strongly in mind of the ancient Scottish folksong, still sung throughout the land today: “SFA: Wank wank wank, SFA: Wank wank wank!” 

There are several wonderful things about this most vague of rules.

As Arsene has pointed out it relies on the well-established principle of mens rea, something it is exceptionally tricky to establish simply by scrutinising the facial expression of the accused as they tumble floorwards, though you can certainly have a great argument in a pub about it. Did the culprit writhe or simply collapse, for example?

The other great thing about it is that there isn’t any kind of time-based cut-off. The law came into force in 2006, so every time a player has attempted to deceive the referee and has gone unpunished since 2006 could now be met with a two match ban. These punishments are retrospective, and anything since the law was passed is fair game.

Needless to say, this could pose quite a problem to serial cheats.

Take Ronaldo. Since 2006, Cristiano Ronaldo has appeared in 37 Champions League matches, 14 Euro 2008 qualifiers and 4 Euro 2008 games. That’s 55 appearances under Uefa jurisdiction, without even including friendlies. And it’s all on tape for Uefa’s disciplinary panel to have a good look at just as soon as they’ve finished harassing Eduardo.

Being (very) charitable I would say that having watched Ronaldo regularly he probably successfully deceives the referee – mostly through diving – at least once every two games he plays. I’m not joking – the regularity of his diving may well be unprecedented in world football. They’re not all high-profile incidents – he has won countless long-forgotten free-kicks in midfield by intentionally tripping himself up and hitting the deck. Mostly, he goes unpunished, though his collection of dive-earned yellow cards wouldn’t play in his favour. And it doesn’t matter if these dives won penalties or not.

As for establishing mens rea, the prosecution should be able to mount a pretty serviceable character assassination based on footage of the young man winking at his bench after cunningly getting his club-mate sent off in 2004.

At that rate, Uefa would have at least 27 incidents involving Ronaldo to look into, with the possibility of 2 game bans for each of them.

Hello 54 match ban! Goodbye mountains of TV dollars!

It can’t be one rule for Eduardo and another for everyone else. If Uefa are serious, then they’d better get busy with the video archive of Drogba, Gerrard, Rooney and Torres over the last 3 years.

They say they are on a mission to stamp diving out of the game altogether. Go on then.

Roooaaaaarrrrr.

Is emphatically not how I feel. But then again, how I feel is nothing compared to how I look. How I look is like a man covered in glow paint, a small amount of beard and a larger amount of self-loathing.

Ah yes, the Arsenal.

Surprisingly little Arsenal news this morning, all things considered. Mostly there’s fall out, or whatever fall out’s happier cousin is, perhaps ‘step up’? Or ‘climb in’. Yes, climb in. So, mostly today there’s climb in from the Wigan game, with particular praise being lavished on the transpubescent shoulders of Young Jack Wilshere, alongside the less novel plaudits for the Ramzoid and Carl. Nothing to get a newspaperman’s attention like a young Englishman who’s good at football, is there? And yet still, people will doubt winge that Arsene has never made an English footballer, or some other rubbish.

Apparently Young Jack Wilshere is like Paul Gascoigne. If he’s like Paul Gascoigne then I would like to use this forum to advertise myself for the position of his Fivebellies. Aside from helping him to keep it real, I’m also handy with a fire extinguisher, good in a dentist’s chair and not mental.

Speaking seriously I hope Young Jack Wilshere has an alright time of it. I know people will look to Theo and talk about Wenger’s track record with bringing through youth players, but I feel Wilshere is a special case in that he is so young, and comes chasing both the expectations created by Theo and also an Emirates crowd aching for a London boy – you can hear the extra roar when his name is announced over the tannoy. They’re bitter about Cashley Hole. Bitter and angry, and a wholesome homeboy is just what they need. It’s occurred to me that all this talk of the collective need for a boy is questionable, so I’ll stop, but you get the idea. I just hope he’s got a cool young head on his young shoulders – I’ve always felt that Theo was uniquely together and collected – it’s easy to assume all youngsters will be equally able to cope.

Anyway aside from all that bollies it’s probably worth mentioning the scum, and specifically their worrying discovery of how to play football. Harry Redknapp, to my mind, has so far escaped becoming a knob, but if his team continue to score goals then his name may have to become Harry Redknobb, and nobody wants that…

But with Liverpool and Chelsea both out the competition is seriously open. If we can get rid of the mankers then there’s a competition the Colts can cast a realistic eye towards, and what could be better? Other than the other competitions, of course, but a winning Colts team will put some pressure on the old boys. If I were Bendtner I’d be seriously worried about Carl, who appears to be his opposite, being short, dark and able to play football. Perhaps if they ever play together one will have to destroy the other, like a Dostoyevskian doubling. I wasn’t so worried about damaging his subjunctivity, and if I were the manager, I’d be seriously tempted to start Carl against Villa. Let me know if that’s wrong.

I’m not mentioning Dooda Monster’s antics last night, because they’re beneath contempt. He’s as close as you can get to a giant bannister covered in vagina.

And anything else. Until later.