Up For Grabs Now

Two and a half minutes of my life that might as well never have happened were those I just spent watching our squad for tonight gently jogging about, to a climactic electric guitar backing soundtrack, as if the vision of our whipper-snappers ambling around London Colney in distinctly pedestrian fashion wasn’t blood-curdling enough for Arsenal TV Online’s free video.

No, there’s an advert for a Bruce Willis movie before it, so if we just show Eboue scratching his balls and the sound of passing traffic everyone will (completely unjustifiably) think our video’s crap.

Or maybe this is one of Arsene’s special training methods. Do we always train to electric guitar, I wonder?

Maybe that’s why Ade’s so angry with everyone at the club – he used to put on hardcore Togonian rap about shopping, but then Denilson said it gave him a mild headache. Van Persie put on some bland electric guitar music instead, and eight weeks later, Ade got his revenge by stamping on his face.

Just as plausible as the other explanations I’ve heard for Ade’s thuggery if you ask me, including his own garbled mutterings about the various people who do or don’t love him.

Tonight we face a Standard Liege side shorn of their highly rated skipper Steve “Definitely” Defour, but we may well have to face the Belgian Butcher Axel Witsel, who will be well rested as he’s in the middle of an eight match ban for chopping another player’s leg in half. Highly rated player, Witsel, and it’ll be interesting to see how he fares against us.

In turn, we will, predictably, be without most of our players, but look certain to see Vito Mannone start in goal. Fabianski must be kicking himself. Except if he did he might injure himself some more and squander still further this rare opportunity to stake his claim ahead of our marvellously hirsute Spanish English Neutral (Swiss?) Waiter Goalkeeper.

There are those who have already written off Mannone on the strength of very little, really. They’d rather see Wojciech Szczesny have a go, if only in the vain hope that David Pleat may have to attempt to pronounce his name in a live broadcast.

Personally, I’m more concerned with letting SuperJack have a run-out. It’d also be lovely to see Sanchez Watt make his bow at Europe’s top table. Blessed with the finest name to emerge from Arsenal’s academy since Quincy Owusu-Abeye (his full name is actually Herschel Sanchez Watt), Sanchez has long been a firm favourite here on UpForGrabsNow. He’s got pace, skill and a rare hairstyle/great name combination that promises much.

That said, we’ll probably go with Mannone, The Back Four, Song, Fabregas, Diaby, Rosicky, Bendtner and Eduardo.I’d be tempted to put Rosicky in central midfield instead of Diaby and put Wilshere on the left, but I’d say it’s more likely that Diaby will start on the wing with Eboue roving around the midfield like a maniac.

Always interested to hear your thoughts.

One man full of thoughts today was Arsene Wenger, who has had his say on everything from Eduardo to player quotas to Vermaelen and Adebawhore.

Most impressive was his quip about Mark Hughes, which I enjoyed mainly because Hughes is exactly the kind of guy the English media love to paint as an honest, straight-talking, decent-family-values guy, when in fact he’s a nonsensical git whose teams have always been a bunch of thugs - until he could afford to buy players of Adebawhore’s calibre. And as soon as he did that he started stamping on the limbs and faces of former team-mates.

But Hughes won’t last long at City. And let’s hope the mental Togonian doesn’t either.

FREE AT LAST: With his caging quashed, the 'Boruc One' is set to be unleashed on Europe's penalty boxes once again

Much in the tradition of my contributions, this week I refuse to degrade myself to the level of other commentators by seeing how long I can make hilarious leaving puns about Emmanuel Adebayor: ‘AdeBYEBYEor’, ‘Adebay-OFF’. ADEBAYOFF HAHA YEAH SEE! I shall instead ask you more intelligent readers a different question:

Why are Manchester City assembling the laziest team in the history of football?

It must be difficult having unlimited money. Forced to labour under the impression that winning things will somehow now be very easy, and happen irrespective of having an aggressive Welsh wanker managing your club, as an owner or chairman you are forced to set yourself little games to amuse yourself. Different people do different things. Roman Abramovich got around this problem by firing one of the world’s best managers, hugely respected by his team, and replacing him with an unqualified Uncle Festa lookalike, and then a succession of other unsuitable foreigners after he proved to be surprisingly good. Manchester City’s chairman is approaching the issue differently, instead choosing to purchase a wide and exciting range of the world’s laziest footballers. Clearly he was inspired by the sight of Craig Bellamy and Robinho sitting in a chair for training (or something), and decided that if he bought a whole team like that it would make the Premiership a bit more interesting.

This is the only way to explain the otherwise ludicrous amount of money he has spent luring the gangly, bone-idle Togolese cash hole up to Eastlands. As an Arsenal fan I cheer, but as a fan of football I weep tears of hysterical laughter mingled with great sadness. Never in the field of human football has so much been paid by so few for so little. Oh well. Hopefully he can continue to score against Spurs, and we can continue to laugh at them. Other than that there is little hope, given that his previous record suggests he operates a system whereby the number of goals he scores per season is inversely proportional to his salary.  £40,000 – 30 goals. £80,000 – 15 goals. £150,000 – seven goals if they’re lucky.

More fool them I say. 

Ade’s signing has been confirmed by Manchester City, having finally settled his hideous loyalty bonus dispute in whatever fashion.

A suitable reminder of the reasoning behind the whole sorry affair appears at the bottom of the linked article, where his new club are kind enough to remind their fans that the club shop is open tomorrow.

A market in the flesh, that’s what this is.

Ade looks sad to have left in that picture, I think, and sadder still to have to pretend to be excited about the 300 lonely souls who turned up to welcome him. That’s not very many, is it Ade?

Wenger’s cards very close to his chest post-Barnet, and it looks like the fee will be ‘undisclosed’.

Thoughts?

You can’t help feeling that Arsenal’s summer is going to turn on the next few days.

The possible sale of Emmanuel Adebayor, approached by Manchester City and apparently on his way north, will very likely dictate the order of Mr Wenger’s business at least until pre-season kicks off. The figures quoted are likely to be unreliable, and I’d certainly like to see Ade pulling in a hefty fee, hopefully pushing £30million. £20million is Robbie Keane money, and though Ade certainly isn’t on anyone’s list of beloved Arsenal players right now, his European pedigree alone ought to guarantee a serious figure, especially if they’re going to be paying him anything like the numbers quoted.

People may also start to get a bit jittery about his sale. It’s easy to get carried away over how much you dislike a player when they end the season in poor form and give a series of foolish interviews. Some people have taken this too far, turning him into the solitary scapegoat for another frustrating climax to a season that stuttered, sparked, promised, then collapsed.

But with his exit now looking more and more likely, thoughts turn to what we’d be missing.

His crossbar-busting volley against Tottenham. His ridiculous overhead kick against Villarreal. The marvellous chest-and-smash finish at St James’ Park. These are not the goals of an ordinary footballer.

There’s also the sulking, the shrugging, the offsides and the non-commital strolling – of course. He has seemed to change visibly since Milan’s interest last summer. From the eager, enthusiastic big kid wowed by the Premiership playground, he has turned into a scowling, brooding presence, all heavy knees, trudging feet and hands on hips.

It happens to too many of the players who owe their stardom to Mr Wenger and Arsenal, far too many. Mr Wenger may have a wonderful eye for potential and an astute sense of how to turn it into top class footballers, but even he, it seems, can’t teach loyalty.

Still, he’s not gone yet, and an Ade-Rebirth may be round the corner, awkward as this would be.

And if he goes? We’d need a striker, and a serious goal-grabbing striker at that. The word is Chamakh, which feels for me like a sensible, like-for-like option. But it also feels like we’d probably be weakened overall by gaining the Moroccan at the Togolese’s expense. Less experience of top class football (though the same age at 25) and an inferior goals record. And still a hefty chunk of every second season away in Africa.

Chamakh has a famous work-rate and is a generous team-player. The goals he does score are very often with headers from crosses. Now, you might argue that that would add a much needed dimension to our team, but then is the midfield set up to provide the kind of service he’d need? I’m not so sure.

For me, the big question would have to be how much of a premium Mr Wenger sets on aerial ability. If this is what he’s after, he’ll need another Ade, and Chamakh would do. But then we already have a promising (that’s right), aerially imposing centre forward – Bendtner – who has a better goals ratio and is settled in the squad. Surely it wouldn’t be very Wengerish to bring in an older player of similar profile – or am I conflating the two players’ styles too simplistically?

Personally, I hope Mr Wenger thinks seriously about Klaas-Jan Huntelaar. Ludicrously sidelined by the marquee signing jamboree and seemingly available for around £18m, I can’t think of a more natural goalscorer in Europe, and as the teams with the big wallets seem to follow the headlines and the fashion it looks like he’s without a major suitor. He’s not big, but he’s brilliant in the air and his style of play would complement any of RVP, Eduardo or Bendtner. We couldn’t use him as a target man, but then you could argue that Ade isn’t great in that role either.

I think he’d score a tonne.

As I mentioned before, I’m done with the team’s performances this season, and I’m not going to talk too much about the nil-all United love-in at Old Trafford which just happened, except to grudgingly concede Alex Ferguson’s achievement. As we saw so painfully over the last few weeks, they’re a cracking team, with the mixture of grit and flair we’ve yet to find. Obviously they’re all still a pack of cunnies, but there you are.

But back to non-playing Arsenal news, and Adebayor’s here, giving an interview to Football Focus that does nothing to reassure anyone about his commitment to the club. Aside from nonsensically denying the AC Milan stories (“if Milan come for Adebayor, it’s not Adebayor’s fault”) that have enraged everyone, he then says that the fans have disappointed him with their booing and lack of singing his song.  I must say that Garth Crooks’ subtly antagonistic, patronising style of interviewing (“do you like it when they sing your song?”) is completely infantilising, and proof if any was needed that racism doesn’t have to be about skin colour.

Speaking about his season, Adebayor seems to suggest that it was the fans’ attitude, and not his lackadaisical idleness in front of goal and flirting with Milan, that caused them to turn on him. What crap. If the man wants a future at Arsenal he needs to grow up. Even without any signings next season with Bendtner a year older, Vela chomping at the bit, Walcott keen to move central, Arshavin looking dangerous wherever and Van Persie an automatic starter he’s going to have his work cut out for a place.

It seems increasingly unlikely he’ll be here. Would anyone really miss him?

Don’t forget about the Philosophy Football dinner listed below. Should be a great night, and a pleasant end to a season which has otherwise been a bit ugly…

Arsene Wenger has today sanctioned a deal to bring leggy diva Beyonce Knowles to the Emirates next season. It is believed Wenger moved for Knowles after leggy diva Emmanuel Adebayor revealed to a bewildered English press that it was the lure of Beyonce which had made him seriously consider joining Milan last summer.

Knowles: Finally a long-term successor to Ray Parlour

‘Le Prof’ is known to consult players over signings, however the arrival of Knowles remains something of a surprise since she has no experience of top-flight football and had been enjoying a flourishing solo career. Her record company Columbia Records are said to be phlegmatic about the loss of Knowles, and they have high hopes for her replacement, Phillipe Senderos, who was included in the undisclosed deal at the last minute.

In an EXCLUSIVE interview with Arsenal TVOnline, Senderos thanked Gunners fans for their support throughout his time at the club, but admitted that the chance to become a major recording artist was  too good to turn down.

[That's enough claptrap - Ed]

So a fun weekend, a weekend of Cescy goals, a lead over Villa expanding faster than Simon Cowell’s cup-size, Tottenham once again humiliating themselves in the public eye and United having heinous decision after heinous decision go in their favour. First the penalty, then Giggs. Tragic. It’s enough to make you poke your eyes out with your housekeys then jump out the window.

Hopefully, United will now regard themselves as unbeatable and will be brought crashing down from their hubristic height by the irresistible Islington Shuffle when it smashes into The Theatre of Dreams (no hubris there then, nope, none) in its polite, non-aggressive, why-not-square-it-again way on Wednesday.

Nah, I hope Ronaldo and Rooney both miss penalties and are mercilessly goaded by Eboue and a suddenly vindictive Abou Diaby (in the timeless manner of Keown - God I love Keown), and then Alex Song scores a second-half hatrick to place the tie out of their reach. No club deserves a good kicking like United do now, the nobbers.

Infuriating United Fact: Between 1993 and 2003 United conceded a massive FIVE penalties at Old Trafford in the Premiership. Right. So away penalties are biennial in Manchester, then? A bit like the African Cup of Nations.

The chat is that Nasri might play defensive midfield, freeing up Cesc to wreak all kinds of chaos. I’d be surprised if this happens, firstly because Rob’s injury sort of means Nasri has to play on the left (Diaby, anyone?) and also because I think we’ll start with Song and Denilson in defensive midfield, which would still give Cesc a bit of freedom to roam.

What do you think? Who’d you start with?

A magnificent performance from the boys, who threatened to run riot in the first half and then strolled through the second. Villarreal were surprisingly poor, and rarely have I seen one player (Marcos Senna) missed so conspicuously – it was like their defence and midfield had completely lost their bearings.

There’s been more than enough yabbering about what happened. I only want to add a word of praise for Alex Song, man of the match for me, who put in a mighty shift at the heart of midfield. Whether he was spoiling, blocking, chasing, clearing, or passing searching balls out wide, everything he did – pretty much – seemed to come off on a night where he came of age as a top flight footballer.

How do you replace The Invisible Wall? Perhaps with a Very Visible Wall.

Minor Gripe: Ade. Now, over the tie he scored twice and of course that’s what you ask for in a striker. From a distance, he did well, making decisive contributions in both matches. But, wouldn’t it be so much nicer if he appeared to give one? If he found himself onside every so often? If he was on his toes ready to pounce for loose balls in the box and if when moves broke down he got back into a dangerous position rather than losing interest and looking mystified? I’m not saying he shouldn’t start, because 4 goals in 3 games is rather a nice ratio, but I just don’t see why this has to be accompanied with such a grudging attitude, as if playing for Arsenal is this horrible thing that he’s being forced to do. Plus, the game would have been over by half time last night if he’d been that interested in it. Interested to get some readerly opinion on him.

Amid the hype (see below) about the United match, no-one should forget that this is only the second time in the Club’s history that we’ve made it to the semi’s of the Big Cup. Greater and far more celebrated Arsenal teams with big names and world-beating reputations have failed to get this far before, so to make it here with what is essentially a youth team is a sensational achievement.

Now it’s time for the kids to do some proper giant-killing.

Ten years ago, in season 1998/99, we should have won the double for the second season in a row. Instead, United won the FA Cup Semi-Final, pipped us in the league thanks to some shameful rolling over from T*ttenham, completed the treble with an incredibly lucky win against Bayern… and we still haven’t heard the end of it.

We now have the chance to knock them out of Europe, deny them the chance of back-to-back Champions’ Leagues and put a massive dent in their league campaign. It doesn’t get any bigger.

We will be playing at home in the second leg, by no means a decisive advantage but one which it’s great to have before a ball’s been kicked. Arsene said the percentages in favour of the home team in the second leg is 55-45 – which isn’t half bad if he’s right (and yes I’ve read Finkelstein on the subject, I just don’t really believe him). In any case, when we’re at home in first legs, things always seem to get very cagey and we end up going away with a very slim lead to defend.

It’s still 2 weeks away, and we’ve a massive match at Wembley in between, but I already feel too nervous to eat. I’m off to put a few quid on a spectacular Eboue winner at the Emirates.

I’ll get Villarreal stuff out of the way first off, to clear some space for a proper rant.

Arsene has lamented the loss of Gael and Djourou, so it looks like Gibbs and Silvestre in defence tomorrow night. He mentioned that Diaby was back, which struck me as something of a non-sequiter in relation to our crisis of defensive absenteeism. Anyway…

His other option would be to start Eboue on the right and switch Sagna to the left. This would give the team-sheet a more experienced feel, but can Eboue remember how to defend (if he ever really got the hang of it in the first place) what with all his exciting attacking fun this season? A toughie.

Marcos Senna’s absence is really big news for us, a player of top-class pedigree who can really dominate big games and (obviously) carries a goal threat too. Much has been made of his apparent dissing of Adebayor. Actually, all the poor bloke seems to have said is that he isn’t as good as Thierry yet and hasn’t done as much in his career, which is a pretty fair shout, I’d say, though if you’re reading Ade, you should take Senna’s comments as a major attack on your manliness and prove him wrong tomorrow night by miraculously scoring 150 overhead-kicks in one game to prove Senna wrong and eclipse Thierry’s scoring record.

Marvellous.

Trembling with excitement about our imminent quarter final clash as I am, I still cannot resist moaning about the sheer idiocy of the shortlist for the PFA Player of the Year award, released today.

For the main award: Giggs, Ronaldo, Vidic, Van der Sar, Ferdinand, Gerrard

For the young ‘uns award: Agbonlahor, Young, Lennon, Ireland, Evans, da Silva

Now, of course, part of the reason for this shameless Man United love-in is that voting took place feckin ages ago, and clearly on the understanding that United were unstoppable. Now it just looks stupid, frankly, rewarding a 1 point gap (with a game in hand) with an astonishing 5:1 ratio in favour of United over Liverpool in terms of players shortlisted. 

If it looks stupid, that’s because it is stupid. I mean, it’s not as though counting the votes takes such a long time that they had to poll in January or whenever in order to get the shortlist together for early April when… oh… the season still isn’t really very over, is it? But at least we know which players were flavour of the month half-way through the season.

And Chelsea, a massive 4 points off the pace? No outstanding players whatsoever then. Giggs,having completed a whopping 7 games all year, is preferred to Lampard.

Unprecedented is the presence of so many defensive players from one team on a shortlist meant to recognise outstanding performance across an entire league. United have both centre halves and their goalkeeper shortlisted, and another centre half and a full-back in contention for the Young Player award. Pretty much everyone except the hapless Neviller and Evra then. This could only be on the basis of having a defensive record which is vastly superior to anyone else, surely?

Not so. United have conceded 21 goals this season, Liverpool also 21, and Chelsea only 20.

Can anyone explain this cock-rot to me? Certainly not “MN” who sent a message to 6-0-6, which the BBC have hilariously pull-quoted in their lead article on the shortlist. His analysis?

“I think Gerrard might win it. It all depends on how the votes are cast”

Pretty much, yeah, seeing as it’s a vote and all.

No place for Kevin Davies, a dreadful man to be sure, but one who has outscored almost all the flashy forwards in the top 4 and got plenty of assists, all while being played in a strange, Kuytish wing position for a pitifully poor football team.

And while you’re busy lavishing your rancid approbation all over anyone who’s been near United’s defence this season, just ignore any of the Fulham defence that have conceded just 28 goals so far, a mere 7 more than United and without anything like United’s kind of firepower, which tends to mean almost all the game is played in the opposition half, anyway.

Doesn’t it make you mad?

Amid the understandable brouhaha over Adebayor’s delicious overhead kick, photographed in all it’s glory here, it has yet to be pointed out that this may well be the very first time during the Wenger reign that an Arsenal player has scored an overhead kick. Truly a momentous effort then.

Some will surely point to Eduardo’s chest-and-volley-on-the-swivel against City last season, but in my view that’s exactly what it was – an ingenious over the shoulder effort which can’t quite be classified as a thoroughbred overhead kick in the Ronaldinho/Crouch mould.

If you can think of others do put them in the comments, it may be that I’ve forgotten some gem or other.

It’s been one of my odder gripes over the past few seasons that we haven’t had players who were that keen to score overhead kicks. Sure, Thierry had a go once or twice, and there was never any doubt that we had players who were technically proficient enough to pull it off. For me, it’s an attitude thing. Wenger’s boys are all about crisp finishes into the bottom corner having bamboozled the entire defence in the build up. 

At their best, it’s more about running it in than walking it in, but this doesn’t involve a lot of crossing and when the ball does go in the air, our players immediately try to bring it down again to pass to a team-mate. The glorious thing about the overhead kick is that it is a desperate measure, a moment when tactics and team-mates go out the window, when all the player is thinking about is getting a shot in, however difficult that might be. And while having such intelligent players is fantastic, you do miss that impulsive, score-at-all-costs instinct that Ade showed on Tuesday.

While we’re on the topic, here’s the greatest overhead-kick I’ve ever seen. 88 minutes gone in their last game of the season, 2-2 against Valencia and needing the win to qualify for the Champions’ League, Rivaldo (having already scored both his team’s goals) produced this.

I want to see some of that from Eboue in the Champions’ League final, and then I want to see Peter Hill-Wood imitating the bloke at 0.10 in that clip. Top exultation from that man.

Moving on, it’s looking like Manuel our Spanish waiter goalkeeper will be sidelined with Le Gal for a wee while, which means Lukasz Fabianski has the chance to impress. Its a big chance for him, too. He’s been patiently chalking up cup appearances, and though he’s 24 he seems to have a good attitude and a commitment to biding his time and making it at Arsenal. He looked sharp on Tuesday and if he needs inspiration he need only remember Alex Manninger, who famously came into our 1998 side and performed heroically. Not that doing similar would necessarily mean we’d have to ship him off to Fiorentina, either.

With Djourou looking good, I hope we won’t miss Le Gal too much (though it would be very nice indeed if his injury turned out to be less serious than it looked), and with Silvestre on his way back we should have everything nothing to worry about.

Finally, if I was a betting man, which I might be, I’d haul my considerable crease onto Betfair and buy up some odds on a Liverpool comeback at Stamford Bridge. They need three goals, but they got four at Old Trafford and will, crucially, be attacking a Terry-less Chelsea, a team which often loses at home to very bad teams indeed. Plus if you do it on Betfair you can wait til Liverpool go a goal up and the odds swing enormously back towards them, sell some of your stake, and hopefully win whatever happens. Easy. Just don’t blame UpForGrabsNow if it all goes tits up.