Up For Grabs Now

Well, what a week it’s been.

Eurozone Goal-God-cum-Scandinavian-Rhinocerous-impersonator Nicklas Bendtner smashes three past Porto to launch us into the Champions League quarter finals, then nips one past big bald (bad) Boaz in minute 93 to send us joint top.

Two days earlier, Arsene Wenger described Emmanuel Eboue as ‘the complete player’ to the derision of absolutely no-one.

These are days of strange and wonderful events.

The shoe with which the British media and large sections of the Arsenal blogosphere (to their eternal shame) have spent the last year or two kicking this Arsenal side and Arsene for building it, is now not so much on the other foot as in the process of being gleefully jammed inch by inch down the throats of those who chose to doubt and snipe when they should have hoped and cheered.

Former call-centre middle manager Phil Brown could barely get his whimpering and garbled objections out on Match of the Day, and ought to be branded a moaner in precisely the fashion in which Wenger is every time he gives his opinion on a leading question. All the attention was rightly on how big a goal that could be for Arsenal come the season’s end. Wouldn’t it be nice if the point of which Bendtner deprived Orange Brown so late on turned out to be the margin by which the Premier League was finally rid of Hull City?

Eight games left for Arsenal and the expectation, however much we try to keep it under control, is pretty big right now. When you get into this position it’s misery or glory, no mediocre middle-ground. That in itself is a symptom of success.

If we don’t win the league now, then the very same pundits and bloggers who said Arsenal couldn’t even make the top four with this team will be writing the season off as a failure, even though Arsenal have mounted the title challenge they said would never possibly materialise.

We can win this league. Maybe with the relative run-ins of the top three we should now win it. But if we don’t, let’s hope the fans can at least retain the optimism and togetherness forged over recent weeks instead of indulging the panic-button-bashing tabloids.

Seismic news today, as my favourite player Emmanuel Eboue announces his intention to become a Hollywood comedian once his playing days are over.

What’s that Grabber? You think he’s already a complete joke? Now, now, that’s unfair – though he’s certainly been a great actor for some time. Just ask Patrice Evra.

The news has been made yet more exciting by Eboue making it clear that he wants to be “The next Eddie Murphy”. It’s easy to laugh at this – it sounds totally implausible - but this is the man who last season became a regular starter in the Arsenal midfield.

And they said it was impossible when he played centre-mid against Fulham away and we got humped. They said that Eboue’s career as a midfielder would come to nothing.

It all adds to the impression that Emmanuel Eboue is the most determined man in the world.

He’s a poster-boy for the fantasy of globalised capitalism. Like Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happiness, Emmanuel Eboue lives, breathes and embodies the American dream. He might only be our second-choice right-back, but to the questionably-talented millions, Emmanuel Eboue shines brightly as a beacon of hope.

Personally, I’m just hoping Eboue is true to his word and emulates Eddie Murphy as closely as possible. I’ll be the first on Amazon’s pre-order list when the Beverly Hills Eboue series is released.

The man knows no limits. How long before he wins an Oscar? And how long, more importantly, before we finally get to see him deployed as a lone striker?

Not long to go now.

Tiny Totts are coming to the Emirates. Let’s hope we can dish out a long overdue pasting to make their Week of Hubris appear even sillier than it already does.

First there was the release of pictures of their new stadium, White Elephant Lane (aka Emirates Lite, Diet Ashburton, Theatre of Squirms). Paid for God only knows how by this puny minnow of the Premiership era, Tiny Totts deserve a healthy dollop of rack and ruin if they ever actually build it. Where does their money come from?

Then came Spurs’ bench-warmer and former Liverpool bench-warmer Robbie Keane claiming that Spurs had more strength in depth than Arsenal. I took this to mean that he is still bitter about never having made it as an elite player and being condemned to spend the best days of his career at a third rate club with no serious European aspirations. Certainly, there’s no way he can seriously be claiming that Spurs have better players than we do. Cos that’s just daft, plainly. Hasn’t he ever seen Arshavin play? Perhaps the wee Russian can show him a thing or two this afternoon.

And now Crazy Harry doesn’t fancy us. Which is fine. We don’t fancy you either you slack-jowled, watery-eyed, club-bankrupting, West Ham-relegating nobarse. He thinks we’re soft-centred and he might have a point. But let’s hope today Vermaelen headers the fuck out of anything that gets anywhere near our box.

In short, Spurs are feeling a lot better about themselves than they usually do, and it is incumbent upon Arsenal to return them to their natural state as the snivelling, bitter joke-club we know and hate.

Team News: Wenger has been saying nothing on this. Which means we might see Cesc and Arshavin rested and Eboue and Diaby included in an otherwise unchanged team from midweek. Today could be the day we finally see Eboue deployed as a lone striker. And what a day that could be.

Excited as I am at that prospect, I would slightly rather we actually started Almunia-Sagna-Gallas-Vermaelen-Clichy-Song-Fabregas-Nasri-Arshavin-Bendtner-VanPersie, though I doubt Nasri will make it after just a single game back so I reckon Diaby could play there instead, though after mid-week Ramsey must be getting very close indeed.

Spurs are without Defoe (sore tummy), Modric (penis wound) and Aaron Lennon (existential crisis). They are also without a soul, a real trophy for about 40 years and any sense of pride/shame.

Today of all days I want no funny business, no nonsense and most definitely no mucking about from the lads. Search and destroy. Pass, move, shoot. This means the scoring of goals and the steely retention of winning margins right to the last. It means not tapping the ankles of known divers in the last minute, and it definitely doesn’t involve stumbling over the ball on halfway and conceding possession needlessly.

I’ve a feeling today will turn out well.

With all the doom-mongering and transfer-related whingeing that’s been going on, only the very perceptive will have emerged from this summer having retained the memory of Arsenal actually owning any players whatsoever. And some good ones, too.

Grabber has done a fine job of swarthily surveying our array of attacking players like the seasoned trooper that he is. Now it’s my turn, with the case for the defence.

Manuel Almunia: combines a career as a top-flight goalkeeper with a part-time role as a German-baiting waiter. Also combines being Spanish with being English, and not getting picked for Spain with not getting picked for England. An Arsene favourite. For years completely unfancied by all, sundry, and everyone else as a bench-warming, cross-flapping enigma, you’ve got to admire the pluck of the man Mad Jens once complained had “only started playing football aged 30″.  Hope he stays fit.

Lukasz Fabianski: A blonde girl in a pub once told me that Fabianski is the best looking Arsenal player since Flamini. Be that as it may, his carefully slicked down fringe didn’t do much to quieten the howls of agony when he inexplicably charged past the onrushing Drogba at Wembley in the spring. Still, we all make mistakes, and he’s made some decent saves. Only 24, and improving. But hope Manuel stays fit.

Gael Clichy: A big season for Gael as he tries to dislodge Evra from the France team. Evra looks permanently furious and fights with passing groundsman at the drop of a rake. Clichy is extraordinarily fast, but developed a nasty tendency to fall over at crucial periods, such as in injury time against the hated foe. Hopefully this will be stamped out and he will finally learn to shoot. A top player who should be looking to last the season this year.

Bacary Sagna: Arguably the best player in the world. Sure, you’d have to argue that one pretty well, but if we had eleven Bacary Sagnas… well, I’d stick four in defence and the rest would have to compete with the others for places. One could probably play in midfield somewhere. And we might get away with playing a couple in the Ladies team. A magnificent defender, a soldier, and a gentleman.

Thomas Vermaelen: If you can’t sign Nemanja Vidic, why not sign someone who looks a bit like him? Steely of eye, iron of jaw and proud of forehead, Vermaelen has all the physical attributes to prove the doubters wrong about Wenger’s ability to buy defenders. Plus, he’s captained Ajax already and at 24 should have valuable experience and some great years ahead of him. I think he will prove to be a very shrewd buy.

William Gallas: Still here. After all the huffing and sulking, Wenger did the unthinkable and got rid of plucky Kolo instead, which leaves a lot of responsibility with Gallas. Unfairly maligned for his generally solid performances in my opinion, Gallas’ experience will be hugely important. He should realise that it’s his last season at the top, nail his colours to the mast and play a blinder. Could still be a world-beating stopper for us if his head is right and he can gel with Vermaelen.

Johan Djourou: Cited by Wenger as one of the many (three) tall players in our squad, this could be a breakthrough year for the young swiss, who has clearly muscled himself well ahead of Senderos in the picking order. Must steer clear of injury, but a first team spot is certainly not beyond him this season.

Emmanuel Eboue: So good, we profiled him twice. Arguably the best player in the world. Mad, bad, and often dangerous to pass to. Let’s hope that when he does get on he plays in defence, that he continues to cut inside so thrillingly (and entirely unpredictably) and that he wins a penalty at Old Trafford with a dive so egregious that it shocks the world. Reportedly wanted by Barcelona as a replacement for the tediously magnificent Dani Alves, and who can blame them?

Back 4 Extras: Arsene Knows. More than anything he seems to know how to find lithe quicksilver young left full-backs. Kieran Gibbs will have to fight it out with Armand Traore to be Clichy’s back up this year, though both players could surely also be useful on the wing if pressed into action. Mikael Silvestre continues to cement his place as a firm fans favourite, which is why we all hope he’s used sparingly.

Alex Song: Turned himself into a bit of a lynch-pin by the end of last season, though that was partly because we didn’t have any other players left. A good start could see him kick on to become a major force, though you still wonder if Wenger doesn’t see him as a defender. The face of Arsenal’s cosmetics range, there is still time to make yourself smell like Song. Prone to dozing off against correctly-termed lesser teams, our soft underbelly is likely to completely collapse without him, unless we get another defensive midfielder soonish.

Denilson: Famously “not as good as Kaka”, as the woman behind me repeatedly insists on pointing out, Denilson is a very promising talent, who must be looking to really impose himself on the team this year. Blessedly injury-averse, the ever-present young square-pass merchant isn’t going to convince everyone, but he’s convinced Mr Wenger, who will want him, like Song, to add a bit of grit and consistency to his game. Also like Song, likely to be the scapegoat for any poor results.

Aaron Ramsey: Tidy, skilful and a future mainstay. Looked overawed at points last year, but should know his way around by now. Not one to hang about and clearly convinced of his ability (just in a Welsh, rather than Danish way, if you get me) Aaron is likely to see a lot of gametime, especially if no other central midfielders arrive. Did I mention that some Arsenal fans want to see a defensive midfielder brought in?

Prognosis: The patient is a bit off-colour for this time of year, and looks thin around the middle. Would benefit from a muscular injection in defensive midfield and centre-half. What an original conclusion.

Thank God the season’s here. There’s been far too much Arsene-bashing from the press and some fans, and futile, circular, transfer-related harping. A win on Saturday would be the best way to forget all about it.

I’ll get Villarreal stuff out of the way first off, to clear some space for a proper rant.

Arsene has lamented the loss of Gael and Djourou, so it looks like Gibbs and Silvestre in defence tomorrow night. He mentioned that Diaby was back, which struck me as something of a non-sequiter in relation to our crisis of defensive absenteeism. Anyway…

His other option would be to start Eboue on the right and switch Sagna to the left. This would give the team-sheet a more experienced feel, but can Eboue remember how to defend (if he ever really got the hang of it in the first place) what with all his exciting attacking fun this season? A toughie.

Marcos Senna’s absence is really big news for us, a player of top-class pedigree who can really dominate big games and (obviously) carries a goal threat too. Much has been made of his apparent dissing of Adebayor. Actually, all the poor bloke seems to have said is that he isn’t as good as Thierry yet and hasn’t done as much in his career, which is a pretty fair shout, I’d say, though if you’re reading Ade, you should take Senna’s comments as a major attack on your manliness and prove him wrong tomorrow night by miraculously scoring 150 overhead-kicks in one game to prove Senna wrong and eclipse Thierry’s scoring record.

Marvellous.

Trembling with excitement about our imminent quarter final clash as I am, I still cannot resist moaning about the sheer idiocy of the shortlist for the PFA Player of the Year award, released today.

For the main award: Giggs, Ronaldo, Vidic, Van der Sar, Ferdinand, Gerrard

For the young ‘uns award: Agbonlahor, Young, Lennon, Ireland, Evans, da Silva

Now, of course, part of the reason for this shameless Man United love-in is that voting took place feckin ages ago, and clearly on the understanding that United were unstoppable. Now it just looks stupid, frankly, rewarding a 1 point gap (with a game in hand) with an astonishing 5:1 ratio in favour of United over Liverpool in terms of players shortlisted. 

If it looks stupid, that’s because it is stupid. I mean, it’s not as though counting the votes takes such a long time that they had to poll in January or whenever in order to get the shortlist together for early April when… oh… the season still isn’t really very over, is it? But at least we know which players were flavour of the month half-way through the season.

And Chelsea, a massive 4 points off the pace? No outstanding players whatsoever then. Giggs,having completed a whopping 7 games all year, is preferred to Lampard.

Unprecedented is the presence of so many defensive players from one team on a shortlist meant to recognise outstanding performance across an entire league. United have both centre halves and their goalkeeper shortlisted, and another centre half and a full-back in contention for the Young Player award. Pretty much everyone except the hapless Neviller and Evra then. This could only be on the basis of having a defensive record which is vastly superior to anyone else, surely?

Not so. United have conceded 21 goals this season, Liverpool also 21, and Chelsea only 20.

Can anyone explain this cock-rot to me? Certainly not “MN” who sent a message to 6-0-6, which the BBC have hilariously pull-quoted in their lead article on the shortlist. His analysis?

“I think Gerrard might win it. It all depends on how the votes are cast”

Pretty much, yeah, seeing as it’s a vote and all.

No place for Kevin Davies, a dreadful man to be sure, but one who has outscored almost all the flashy forwards in the top 4 and got plenty of assists, all while being played in a strange, Kuytish wing position for a pitifully poor football team.

And while you’re busy lavishing your rancid approbation all over anyone who’s been near United’s defence this season, just ignore any of the Fulham defence that have conceded just 28 goals so far, a mere 7 more than United and without anything like United’s kind of firepower, which tends to mean almost all the game is played in the opposition half, anyway.

Doesn’t it make you mad?

T*ttenham have nothing.

Actually, nothing. Against one of the weakest Arsenal sides they will have come up against for many years, a side down to 10 men and lacking in confidence, they showed absolutely no ambition and deserved to be punished for it. They haven’t beaten us in the league since 1999 and you could see how terrified they were all through the game. Modric’s pathetic miss at the end told you everything you need to know about that football club.

Losers.

Then there was their fans, chanting “Same old Arsenal, always cheating” as Gael Clichy lay bleeding on the ground, having quite clearly sustained a nasty wound to his head. A few weeks ago, the police found out a pretty significant section of their away support for the yobs and racists that they are. Their chanting at Gael today wasn’t racist, it was just the nasty, bitter, jealous yells of a group of extremely unpleasant people, people who represent a club which is ugly at its core.

On the face of it, we should be pleased with a point, yet it always felt as though the game was there for the taking. And it should have been ours to lose, had Mike Dean not made the first of many cowardly decisions when he ludicrously disallowed a perfectly good goal by Eboue.

Eboue’s frustration was obvious, but his response was childish and inexcusable, displaying an attitude to be expected from a Sp*rs fan, not an Arsenal player. His booking for dissent was idiotic and I’m convinced that it was his petty behaviour after the Modric incident rather than the little kick out itself which made the referee to send him off. Why else did he take such a long time between booking Modric and sending Eboue off?

We’re not great fans of Eboue here on UpForGrabsNow, but I really do admire the loyalty of those fans who have stuck up for him this season. I can’t help feeling that he mocked that loyalty this afternoon.

The backlash is likely to be severe, and Eboue will have to play out of his skin when he returns from suspension if he’s to command any sort of respect with most Arsenal fans again. Wenger is a loyal person who clearly sees something in Eboue as a footballer, but you wonder how much longer his patience can last.

There will be those who wanted to see Arshavin today, but I think the boss was right to keep him on the bench. He still hasn’t trained with the rest of the squad and it will be far better to ease him in over the next few games. Eduardo will be itching to make his first team return, and while everyone (including us) laughed at Wenger’s saying his return would be like a new signing, I think it’s actually going to feel even better.

In terms of our season, it’s going to be a long hard fight for a top four place. Villa have been lucky, but they’ve bagged the points and sit seven clear of us. Chelsea are on a poor run and are within five, but are likely to prove resilient as the season wears on. If we can hit form, we can still catch both clubs. We just need to hit form now.

It also looks like we’ll be seeing a lot of Nicklas Bendtner over the next few weeks as Ade’s hamstring popped in the first half and he’ll miss the rest of February.

As always, delighted to hear your thoughts. Just stick ‘em in the comments and we’ll have a right old chinwag.

Andrey has arrived. Landed. Signed. Sealed. And given his first interview in broken English. “I like some of your players”. Good one! Not Eboue then. Russian diplomacy at its best.

The historical parallel to be drawn is obvious: Robert Pires.  The man we’ve missed so much. A dashing, goalscoring attacking midfielder brought in aged 27 as his career was clearly in the ascendancy. We got 6 great years and 2 Premierships out of Pires. Big shoes for Andrey to fill then, but he has the style and pedigree to do it.

From watching him last season when our interest was first mooted, the comparison does not seem outlandish, and if Arshavin can establish himself as Pires did (who, let’s not forget, had something of an uneasy beginning at the club) then we will soon have one of the finest wingers in the world. He’s fiendishly quick, has a good eye for the through ball and, most importantly, a knack of following up on loose balls, making defence-splitting runs and generally banging the ball into the net with the minimum of fuss.

That’s the history, though. In the short term, he’ll be filling Eboue’s boots on the right wing. Make of that whatever footwear metaphor you will, but please keep it clean.

A word of warning. I can’t help thinking that calling Arshavin “The Messiah” before he’s kicked a ball, saying he’s going to put the “S” in “Silverware” (which rather alarmingly suggests that before his arrival we were bound for something called “Ilverware”) and that he’s effectively going to allow Arsenal fans to time travel to circa May 2004 smacks of Geordie-ism (that most undignified fanatic affliction) and can do no good. Incidentally, yes, I’m talking about Le Grumble, which is today full of the joys of the world. Much happier, I notice, than when we beat Man Utd for example. It seems they really do just mindlessly regurgitate tabloid hype, positive or negative and you’ve got to wonder whether they wouldn’t all be happier supporting a team which is much more active in the transfer market, say Tottenham? 

Hopefully most fans have enough between their ears to keep expectations at a realistic level to avoid crippling disappointment.

I’ve also read quite a few Gooners fretting about what’s going to happen when we get Theo, Cesc and Rosicky back? Answer: we’re going to have a really good midfield again, at long last. The competition for places isn’t a worry at the moment, especially as Rosicky is still miles away, and in any case the lack of competition and thinness of the squad is a problem which Arshavin’s arrival goes some way to addressing, at least in the creative department.

Much will depend on how soon Arshavin is struck down with Arsenalitis, and forsakes the speeding-arrow-through-the-beating-defensive-heart-of-the-opposition philosophy which has led him this far in favour of our beloved Islington Shuffle. Looking at this compilation , (with thanks to Skatman for the link) our new boy really doesn’t look like a natural-born shuffler in the mould of a Hleb or a Diaby. Doubtless his first few days in training will be spent blunting his razor keen attacking instincts, practising misplaced square balls with the goal at his mercy and learning the rare beauty which comes from the concession of a goal-kick after 24 one-twos with Sagna.

Nah, I reckon Arsene will pretty much just unleash him when he’s fit and tell him to do what he does best. Don’t think we’ll see him against Tiny Totts though (and their new captain Robbie “Loyalty Bonus” Keane!) as he hasn’t played since November and sulking for months on end must have taken its toll.

The other half of this blog, a shifty character known to his friends as “Grabber”, has made a few enemies in recent weeks by repeatedly protesting that he did not want us to sign Andrey Arshavin. He had his reasons, and he stood by them.

I have shamelessly exploited this position at every opportunity to try and curry favour with the readership by backing our pursuit of him all the way and taking snide pot-shots at our Number 27 along the way. I now feel like I’ve curried enough favour to open my own tandoori on the Holloway Road and call it “The Arse Haven“, the idea being that the restaurant would offer clients both an innovative gastronomic pun and a soothing period of relaxation and cathartic release for the lower intestine some few hours after customers have enjoyed the favourable cuisine.

Don’t forget our fantastic Philosophy Football giveaway: you can win a fantastic and strictly unofficial Arsénal t-shirt. Grabs and I both have them and they’re brill – to enter simply answer the question:

Who was Arsene Wenger managing when he joined Arsenal?

Email your answer to admin@philosophyfootball.com with the heading Up For Grabs Now Competition – deadline for entries is 28 February. In the meantime feel free to visit their website: lots of good stuff on it… http://www.philosophyfootball.com/new_win.html

The Daily Heil newspaper has launched a stinging attack on UK immigration authorities after they agreed to grant strigiformic winger Andrei Arshavin a work permit for his job on Arsenal’s right wing. An official statement by Immigration UK said they had licensed Mr Arshavin’s arrival on the basis of “owlish good looks and a rare eye for goal”.

Deputy Editor Adolf Powell, who took time out from savaging the Human Rights Act 1998 to join the protest, told UpForGrabsNow he was “appalled” at the decision, and that he felt sure it had been motivated by “political correctness gone mad, yet again”.

He added that he believed Arsenal’s midfield was being overrun by migrant workers, and offered the example of Emmanuel Eboue, a 25 year-old man from Abidjan, Ivory Coast, who Powell claims has been spotted acting suspiciously in and around Arsenal’s midfield for some months. Powell described Eboue as “a hopeless layabout“.

He suggested that at a time of rising unemployment Arsenal would have been better to sign a home-grown talent such as Pascal Chimbonda instead.

When he was informed that Arshavin, like Powell, intends to work on the right wing, Powell replied: “I’m not sure about that to be honest. Us right-wingers don’t usually involve ourselves with his sort.”

Asked whether he was a supporter of Tottenham Hotspur, alleged ”FC”, Powell declined to comment.

First blog for a while. Things have become very busy down UFGN towers, as we are in negotiations with Manchester City, who have offered us half a million euros to blog for them for a week. We said no, because we want to be blogging about a team in the Champions League and not some moron-managed relegation hopefuls.

Then first things first. Hands up if you love Robin van Persie?

I certainly do. I’ve been banging on to anyone who will listen (and quite a few who won’t) about our need for penetrative players, and RvP (crude rape-allegation jokes aside) has stepped up and started to provide it. One of the things people often forget about Thierry was how many goals he made, as well as scored, and that kind of consistent final-ball provider is exactly the kind of thing we’ve been lacking, maybe since he left…

In response to Grabs’ comments about Eboue, I can only reiterate my belief that he knows What Arsene Did Last Summer, and in the face of this fact all of the various comments people have been making about his ‘use as a utility player’ and his ‘ability to play everywhere’ seem a little ridiculous. They also seem ridiculous because I have never seen Eboue play at centre-back or in goal, and also never in the centre of midfield for more than ten seconds or up front. So when people say ‘he can play in any position’, they really mean ‘he can play anywhere in the peripheral positions where his calamitous defensive howlers are slightly less likely to lead immediately to the concession of a goal, and his attacking ineptitude is likely to be glossed over because he might not be the person who finally loses the ball.’

Anyway. Rant over. For the time being.

This Arshavin saga goes on and on as well. I have no idea why we’re even talking about buying him. It’ll create all sorts of headaches. For instance what will our dream formation be? At the moment, with everyone fit, I think we look a bit like this:

Almunia

Sagna Toure Djourou Clichy

Walcott Fabregas Rosicky Nasri

Van Persie Adebayor

Subs: Fabianski/Denilson/Diaby/Bendtner/Vela/Wilshere/Ramsay

This is my preference, but I’m naturally attacking-minded from my childhood in the Marines, and don’t see why Rosicky and Fabregas can’t play together. Some of you no doubt will think that it looks a bit flimsy in the middle, but Nasri and Cesc can both tackle, and no doubt Rosicky and Walcott could be encouraged to as well. And swap one of Nasri or Rosicky for Denilson and you’re sorted.

But that, on paper, is a midfield which can do a lot of penetrating. Where does Arshavin play? Whilst it’s always nice to have players, I just don’t see why we need to spend £18m on a player who might not add anything, particularly when it looks as if we’ve got quality coming through for the foreseeable future…

There’ll be more on this in the next couple of days, one would imagine. Then we get to start worrying about football again. Which will be nice.

The grumpy rumblings coming from Arsene Wenger in his pre-match yesterday suggest to me that he has his bony professorial finger on the stuttering pulse of the bloated Arsenal Blogmonster and he doesn’t like the kind of guff he’s being subjected to. Yesterday it seemed like he’d had enough and decided to well and truly take the piss out of his haters using the official website.

“First off,” he tells his press secretary (we shall call her “Clive” for argument’s sake) ”Let’s have an article headlined “Why Bendtner Will Come Good“, replete with a cryptic explanation based on something to do with the amount of “pressure” the poor boy puts on himself. That’ll get them going for starters!” 

You thought he wasn’t trying at all? You thought he’d been taking motivational classes from Eboue? You couldn’t be more wrong! Nicklas’ current streak of banjo-wielding cow’s arse avoidance is because the poor boy’s trying way too hard. Stifling his own talent through sheer burgeoning effort. Scrapping for every ball, dashing blindly down every alley, constant hustle and bustle – that’s his game. Sure you might not notice it by, for example, watching him play, but that’s not the point here is it?

Not content with the outpouring of wrath this playful article inspires, Arsene scratches his gaunt professorial chin. He has an idea. “Clive!” he cries, leaping from his professorial chair. “Clive! I’ve got it.” He whispers his plan in Clive’s ear. She is visibly shaken.

“You can’t do that Arsene, they’ll go berserk! You know how sensitive they are about your transfer policy at the moment. The other day I read someone who honestly wanted you to buy back Igor Stepanovs just so that he could see photos of the shirt presentation on the Daily Mirror website. He said he’d take a decent shirt presentation ceremony over three points against Boro any day!”

“Oh yes I can do it,” replies Arsene gleefully. “And I will. Advertise a live question and answer session. Do it now. Call it something seedy, something slightly Babestation. How about “Exclusive Arsene Wenger Webchat“? Is that too obvious? A bit much? Oh, go for it then, we might as well go full-frontal on this one! And kick it off with something really tantalising. Something like “What have you always wanted to ask Arsene Wenger?“”

“Right. Now in about 3 hours I want you to put up another article saying “I won’t answer transfer questions“. And put something in about how good our youngsters are and how bright the future’s going to be – they absolutely hate hearing that. Those bastards will have been dead excited readying their lairy demands and idiotic recommendations – I want them to know I’ll be having none of it. They’re always just like [here Arsene affects high-pitched voice] ‘Ooh, Arsene, go and buy us Ronaldinho, yeah? Ooh Arsene, I can’t believe you sold Oleg Luzhniy he’d be perfect for our defence right now. Ooh Arsene, why don’t you sign Stewart Downing?” Well I can’t take any more of it!”

Enough of that, save to say that Arsene’s Friday wind-up went down an absolute treat. Next week you can look forward to headlines like “Wenger – Why Alex Song is an Arsenal Legend already” and “Wenger – why I wouldn’t sign Messi even if he came free with my Gardener’s World subscription”.

Boro today. Not a happy hunting ground of late. Especially galling is that we seem to keep conceding to Jeremie Aliadiere whose only notable quality is that he is supremely well endowed in the vowel department. Count them – 10 last time I checked.

Expect to see sudden recoveries from the likes of Captain Cesc, Sagna, RvP, Ade and Gael and for Djourou to retain his place in central defence. Also expect an afternoon packed with Out Of Position Diaby and Inappropriate Outbursts of Song. And Eboue. Yum, just what we Gooners love to see.

I’ll be making no predictions ahead of this one as there’s really no point. Suffice to say that as an impatient modern supporter I’m just about prepared to accept a repeat of our 7-0 duffing a couple of years ago. And if Eboue can pull off something like this, (intentionally or no) then all the better frankly.

Finally, we have again been linked with a move for the superbly named Sagna/Drogba hybrid Gervinho (an Ivorian forward at Le Mans who can also play on the wing). Real name? Gervais Yao Kouassi. Brazilian lineage? None. The guy has grasped the crucial fact that with a Brazilian sounding name and a lot of hair, you can make yourself instantly attractive to visiting scouts who have one eye on how this is all going to look when it comes down to a shirt presentation ceremony.

Sources close to Wenger report that should Gervinho sign in January, Arsene will insist that he change his name further to “Margervinho” to comply with his strict policy of only playing strikers whose names make reference to The Simpsons, though this will disappoint a section of fans who had been looking forward to having a player called Gervais, for obvious reasons.

Oh, and it’s Sp*rs-United later on, that most perplexing of fixtures for Gooners. Who do you want to lose more? Both of them, really. I’m hoping for a fractious draw, as many suspensions as possible and, if we’re really lucky, points deductions all round.