Up For Grabs Now

With all the doom-mongering and transfer-related whingeing that’s been going on, only the very perceptive will have emerged from this summer having retained the memory of Arsenal actually owning any players whatsoever. And some good ones, too.

Grabber has done a fine job of swarthily surveying our array of attacking players like the seasoned trooper that he is. Now it’s my turn, with the case for the defence.

Manuel Almunia: combines a career as a top-flight goalkeeper with a part-time role as a German-baiting waiter. Also combines being Spanish with being English, and not getting picked for Spain with not getting picked for England. An Arsene favourite. For years completely unfancied by all, sundry, and everyone else as a bench-warming, cross-flapping enigma, you’ve got to admire the pluck of the man Mad Jens once complained had “only started playing football aged 30″.  Hope he stays fit.

Lukasz Fabianski: A blonde girl in a pub once told me that Fabianski is the best looking Arsenal player since Flamini. Be that as it may, his carefully slicked down fringe didn’t do much to quieten the howls of agony when he inexplicably charged past the onrushing Drogba at Wembley in the spring. Still, we all make mistakes, and he’s made some decent saves. Only 24, and improving. But hope Manuel stays fit.

Gael Clichy: A big season for Gael as he tries to dislodge Evra from the France team. Evra looks permanently furious and fights with passing groundsman at the drop of a rake. Clichy is extraordinarily fast, but developed a nasty tendency to fall over at crucial periods, such as in injury time against the hated foe. Hopefully this will be stamped out and he will finally learn to shoot. A top player who should be looking to last the season this year.

Bacary Sagna: Arguably the best player in the world. Sure, you’d have to argue that one pretty well, but if we had eleven Bacary Sagnas… well, I’d stick four in defence and the rest would have to compete with the others for places. One could probably play in midfield somewhere. And we might get away with playing a couple in the Ladies team. A magnificent defender, a soldier, and a gentleman.

Thomas Vermaelen: If you can’t sign Nemanja Vidic, why not sign someone who looks a bit like him? Steely of eye, iron of jaw and proud of forehead, Vermaelen has all the physical attributes to prove the doubters wrong about Wenger’s ability to buy defenders. Plus, he’s captained Ajax already and at 24 should have valuable experience and some great years ahead of him. I think he will prove to be a very shrewd buy.

William Gallas: Still here. After all the huffing and sulking, Wenger did the unthinkable and got rid of plucky Kolo instead, which leaves a lot of responsibility with Gallas. Unfairly maligned for his generally solid performances in my opinion, Gallas’ experience will be hugely important. He should realise that it’s his last season at the top, nail his colours to the mast and play a blinder. Could still be a world-beating stopper for us if his head is right and he can gel with Vermaelen.

Johan Djourou: Cited by Wenger as one of the many (three) tall players in our squad, this could be a breakthrough year for the young swiss, who has clearly muscled himself well ahead of Senderos in the picking order. Must steer clear of injury, but a first team spot is certainly not beyond him this season.

Emmanuel Eboue: So good, we profiled him twice. Arguably the best player in the world. Mad, bad, and often dangerous to pass to. Let’s hope that when he does get on he plays in defence, that he continues to cut inside so thrillingly (and entirely unpredictably) and that he wins a penalty at Old Trafford with a dive so egregious that it shocks the world. Reportedly wanted by Barcelona as a replacement for the tediously magnificent Dani Alves, and who can blame them?

Back 4 Extras: Arsene Knows. More than anything he seems to know how to find lithe quicksilver young left full-backs. Kieran Gibbs will have to fight it out with Armand Traore to be Clichy’s back up this year, though both players could surely also be useful on the wing if pressed into action. Mikael Silvestre continues to cement his place as a firm fans favourite, which is why we all hope he’s used sparingly.

Alex Song: Turned himself into a bit of a lynch-pin by the end of last season, though that was partly because we didn’t have any other players left. A good start could see him kick on to become a major force, though you still wonder if Wenger doesn’t see him as a defender. The face of Arsenal’s cosmetics range, there is still time to make yourself smell like Song. Prone to dozing off against correctly-termed lesser teams, our soft underbelly is likely to completely collapse without him, unless we get another defensive midfielder soonish.

Denilson: Famously “not as good as Kaka”, as the woman behind me repeatedly insists on pointing out, Denilson is a very promising talent, who must be looking to really impose himself on the team this year. Blessedly injury-averse, the ever-present young square-pass merchant isn’t going to convince everyone, but he’s convinced Mr Wenger, who will want him, like Song, to add a bit of grit and consistency to his game. Also like Song, likely to be the scapegoat for any poor results.

Aaron Ramsey: Tidy, skilful and a future mainstay. Looked overawed at points last year, but should know his way around by now. Not one to hang about and clearly convinced of his ability (just in a Welsh, rather than Danish way, if you get me) Aaron is likely to see a lot of gametime, especially if no other central midfielders arrive. Did I mention that some Arsenal fans want to see a defensive midfielder brought in?

Prognosis: The patient is a bit off-colour for this time of year, and looks thin around the middle. Would benefit from a muscular injection in defensive midfield and centre-half. What an original conclusion.

Thank God the season’s here. There’s been far too much Arsene-bashing from the press and some fans, and futile, circular, transfer-related harping. A win on Saturday would be the best way to forget all about it.

Very many apologies for the silence from our end this weekend.

Fictional excuses: Grabber was getting a few of his choicest bonsai trees ready for an agricultural show this week, and I was engaged in a gruelling shampoo testing programme.

After some humming and hah-ing and a chronically timid piece of defending from Gael, we finally managed to crush Hull City beneath our imperious Arsenal heel. A goal of happily Piresian economy from Nasri and then a box-busting one-two between Van Persie and Bendtner gave the scoreboard the warm and fuzzy glow of dominance, an aura which was probably merited over the piece, however tardily it might have been achieved.

At this point, I’d like to reiterate that Alan Shearer is an imbecile of Daniel-Levian proportions. He ‘talked’ last night on MOTD (where we were scandalously on after Man City) about the home fixture between Hull and Arsenal, and said that Hull had been “dominant” on that occasion. He can only be describing the sort of dominance where you park not so much a mere bus as a bona fide East Coast mainline express train (with a quiet coach and a serviceable cafeteria) in front of your goal and then score a wondergoal and a header from your only two tentative sniffs at goal. Idiot.

I hope Shearer finally plucks up the balls to finally take the Newcastle job just so we can watch him oversee a disastrous implosion which gets them relegated having been hailed by hysterical Geordies everywhere as the messiah. We’ll see how far his lazily-informed, smugly expressed, know-all hindsight gets him then, won’t we?

Though I must applaud Johan Djourou for his innovative, and potentially homicidal, last minute upwards-headering technique, yesterday really belonged to the man possessed of 3 assists, the goal of the month for December and the balance of Natalia Markarova Rudolf Nureyev (who, my researcher informs me, is a ballet dancer with ’sick’ balance).

Yes, the man on form right now is Robin Van Persie. When he isn’t injuring himself or butting the unfortunate goalkeepers of lesser teams firmly on the bonce in seemingly unprovoked attacks, then he’s crashing rasping free-kicks against the bar and ripping opposition defences firmly asunder. More crashing and ripping and less injuring and butting, thanks Robin. He’s an absolute joy to watch right now, and long may it continue.

Something else which will hopefully continue is our ability to score late goals. Arsene, never one with a head for figures, helpfully pointed out post-match that:

I think we have scored 16 goals in the last 15 minutes of the last 33 games, and we did that again today.

I’d be very interested to see a proper analysis of how many of those goals were in some way related to the substitution of Emmanuel Eboue in favour of a player with a working knowledge of the sport. I’d wager a fair few.

As ever, we love to hear your thoughts, shouts, groans, cheers, yelps, farts, screams and laughs. Stick ‘em in the comments section where the sun don’t shine and we’ll have a right old chinwag.