Up For Grabs Now

Finally a temporary break from the relentless tedium of half-baked speculation and ill-conceived transfer suggestions (see UFGN, last 2 days), and back to the real business – a steely, gristly, belt and braces, coal-face home game against the razorish elbows and looming studs of Bolton Wanderers. Yum

It’s as important a game as all our games are these days. I’m now pretty firmly in the habit of listening out for the Villa result, and so (at least for now) it feels like it’s them we’re vying against on a week-by-week basis. Bigger aspirations can wait for us to finally string a credible winning run today.

That said, I sense that today is especially important for us because with the FA Cup last weekend and the time away from the League since the Boxing Day games, our squad has had quite a long lay-off from intensive duty. In that time, we’ve heard a lot about corners turned, of fighting spirit questioned and reinvigorated, of newfound determination to prove the critics wrong. Which is all great… except if it all goes a bit Darren Bent against Bolton today.

A good win would build on a fluid showing against Plymouth and could signal a change of tone to our season, and a positive shift in belief, something we desperately need over the next few months if we are to play our way through our horrendous injury list. Of course a signing or two are also important (and clearly on Wenger’s agenda from his comments in yesterday’s press conference) but arguably what we really need is for the players we already have to bond into a decent unit and find some form at last.

Team news: expect to see Almunia, Sagna, Clichy, Djourou, Toure (c), Eboue, Nasri, Song, Denilson, Van Persie, Adebayor – though we might well see some Out-Of-Position Diaby thrown into the mix as well. If the game’s not going well, it will be interesting to hear how quickly the crowd start shouting for Vela and how soon Le Boss brings him on. He probably isn’t ready to start, but it’s good to have a game-changer on the bench, at any age.

Bolton: Unfortunately Bolton’s asshole-in-chief Kevin Davies looks like he’ll make the game. His asshole-lieutenant and midfield clone Kevin Nolan is suspended (as he surely always ought to be). Expect a customarily heroic display from Jussi Jaaskelainen and vague mutterings from a few discontented souls about how they’d take Fabrice Muamba back if it meant we didn’t have to play Alex Song. Muamba’s a good player, and it will be interesting to see how our players get on against him, but he isn’t Arsenal quality.

The only other player I’d pick out as a potential threat would be Matty Taylor, who likes to hit exactly the kind of long-shot which Manuel our Spanish waiter goalkeeper enjoys waving a vague paw at as it flies into the roof of the net. He’s also got a pretty decent goalscoring record against us, if memory serves, so we should try and keep him quiet. Their defence is shocking, frankly, and if Van Persie can keep up last week’s form, he should be able to cut them to ribbons.

WordsOfWenger: A wee transfer overview. Gossip is addictive, after all. Yesterday’s press conference provided a few insights into current squad and transfer strategy. Nobody’s leaving, including Kolo. And yes, that would seem to include Gallas. Arshavin’s probably on his way. Arsene’s obviously interested and it just remains for Zenit to realise that their bargaining position simply doesn’t exist and he’ll be posing in a brand new number 13 shirt.

Arsene called a defensive midfield signing “a priority”, which calls for a pretty ridiculously loud sigh of relief, if you ask me. I won’t pretend to know any more than anyone else about who this might be, although I’m always interested to hear your suggestions.

Less sigh-of-relief inducing was his ambivalence on Matthew Upson, and though he refused to say anything about him (as he did with Arshavin) he also said he wasn’t looking for a defender “at the moment”. The shred of hope is that he’s got a target who is currently looking unlikely but whose situation could change. That could be Upson himself, if not then I hope it’s Christian Zapata, a player we were certainly interested in in the summer and who I’ve been really impressed by whenever I’ve seen him play for Udinese. Apparently Milan and Juve are interested too. He’s been injured for much of this season, which is a drawback, but with others establishing their first team credentials, it might make Udinese more open to offers.

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In an extraordinary turn of events, Arsenal will announce the appointment of former Newcastle skipper Alan Shearer as their new manager later today. The move comes after an inconsistent start to the season saw Gunners fans grow increasingly frustrated with legendary boss Arsene Wenger, whose refusal to strengthen the squad in the summer is largely seen as the reason behind the team’s indifferent form.

Shearer had been expected to take up the reins at Newcastle United following his departure from his position as an analyst on the Match of the Day programme, but he revealed to reporters this morning that the lure of the Emirates stadium side had been too great to resist.

Ok, you can calm down. Hopefully your screen is still attached to your computer. If not, please don’t blame me, I was relying on your sense of reason and justice to disbelieve the above report, which is complete guff, of course. I just thought that on a morning when so many Gooners seem to be sweating and fretting uncontrollably about the state of the side, and where the same ground seems to be blogged over and over again, it might be therapeutic for us all to imagine what life might be like with Shearer instead of Arsene.

Well, his first signings would definitely be Kevin Davies, Martin Taylor and Chris Morgan.

Shearer: [wide-eyed, Geordie accent, illogical] “The first thing I noticed when I came into training was, hey, these guys are a bit skilful aren’t they? If you ask me what they need is some elbows and a bid more backside. Davies, Taylor and Morgan have three of the biggest arses in the Premiership and are all extraordinarily violent, unpleasant individuals who play football in a proper English way – not at all.

“If I learned anything from my five years spent edging awkwardly away from Mark Lawrenson it’s that if you want to win football games, you need the benefit of hindsight, some bendy virtual arrows, tight River Island shirts with bizarre pockets all over them, some very obvious explanations, and the profligate over-use of the words “great” and “Frank Lampard” in the same sentence.”

Even those of you who have been hanging around at the end of your tether for so long now that you’re beginning to wonder whether reaching the end of your tether is really such an important event as it’s hyped up to be, and whether the end of your tether isn’t just the end of a piece of rope used to tie you, goat-like, to some country fence and how can that be so significant a thing? - yes even you most cynical bunch of tether-botherers, must admit that Arsenal are in a much better way than the poor misguided fools who are about to appoint Shearer as their manager.  Aren’t we?

Rumblings: a story is whispering around that Milan want to sign giant Udinese centre-half Christian Zapata, a player we were strongly linked with in the summer. This would be very annoying as he sounded like exactly what we needed and if he goes on to great things it will be one of those really irritating nearly-signings. Granted, I have only seen Zapata play in real life once, but his service to my Arsenal side on Football Manager was really invaluable.