Up For Grabs Now

So Arsenal can go top tonight if they duff Bolton by two goals or more. They can hit the heights, rule the roost, lead the pack, top the division and no doubt indulge in a number of other activities which make them sound like an accomplished and particularly dominant sexual partner, like Sting with more aggression.

Bolton may turn up with the vengeance mentality which saw Everton dazzle last week, and which saw Carlos Tevez mercilessly goad Ferguson and Neville last night.

For some reason Guy Mowbray kept indulging Tevez’s infantile benchward pouting by making it sound like some kind of redemptive justice was being achieved, just as he mysteriously described the pelting of Patrice Evra by City fans as ‘overexuberance’. Which is what you expect from an especially energetic bear-cub which accidentally cuffs its cuddly playmate, not some Manc bastard who throws a lighter at an opposition full-back from all of three feet away. But what do you expect when two such detestable institutions come face to face on live television? Dreadful.

Still, wasn’t it lovely to see Gazza Neville looking so pissed off? Let’s hope he gets banned. Banned from scowling on the bench beneath his revolting moustache, cos he certainly isn’t going to get a game.

In his current guise – slow, violent, hateful, nauseatingly coiffured - the Neviller would be better suited to the Bolton side we’ll be looking to dismantle this evening. What a snide and stroppy bunch they turned out to be, what with kneeing Cesc in the neck, elbowing Arshavin and all-sorts.

Coyle will surely have his men fired up, but after the callous disregard they showed toward our superstar skipper, let’s hope that our eleven are just as keen. With Denilson, Walcott and Clichy all available, I suspect we’ll start Almunia; HM The Right Back, Vermaelen, Le Gal, Clichy; Denilson, Cesc, Diaby, Rosicky, Eduardo, Arshavin.

But then, Arsene could always throw in a suprise. Like Sanchez Watt. What? Sanchez Watt. Oh, Sanchez Watt, of course. Is he available? It wouldn’t be the first time, not even the first time in three days, that Arsene has picked a young ‘un. Personally I thought Eastmond was pretty impressive, especially if you compare his performance with, say, certain of the early Outbursts of Song. Obviously consistency is the toughest thing at that age, but a very promising player I think and I won’t be complaining if he keeps his place in the side tonight.

If it’s him or Denilson anchoring then we can expect to see yet more Joyous Cesc, complemented by the throbbing force that is The Diaby Surge, which in recent months has more or less replaced the Out of Position Diaby to which we had become all too accustomed.

With Cesc back in the side, Diaby is no longer the fulcrum of our play, but he’s still an increasingly destructive attacking force, particularly when his Surge draws hapless tacklers and defenders towards him. This often creates the glimpse of space this team needs in order to break out of  the Islington Shuffle and cut through.

So maybe he is a fulcrum, of sorts. But then maybe a team needs more than just one fulcrum. Come to think of it, if we ever manage to field Cesc, Rosicky, Diaby and Nasri we will have no fewer than four bona fide fulcra, to which you can add Arshavin if he’s in the mood.

It’s all tremendously exciting.

Barring something very surprising it looks as if the great Patrick Vieira will be returning to England, accepting the luxuriant Eastlands grass as a new pasture. Who can blame him? If I was an overrated footballer (as opposed to cruelly underrated, which is the truth) with my best days behind me (this is perhaps true) I would head to Manchester City quicker than Andepaymor?’s mother can say sorry. Unlimited cash, low expectations, a new manager – what’s not to like? A team in which well-known violently misogynist moron Craig Bellamy is regarded as wizened elder is one harboring low expectations.

I suspect along with other Gooners, I have mixed feelings about Paddy’s return. Unlike Bergkamp or Pires, I don’t look back on his departure with unbridled affection - his prolonged courtship with Madrid rankles slightly. And ‘Vieira, wohohhoo, Vieira, wohohoo’ won’t have the same ring to it if he’s wearing light blue alongside Andepaymor?, Bellamy, Tevez and the whole sorry panoply of City’s overpaid, granite-idle strike force.

It’s also unclear whether he’ll be able to do a job. He was effective in Serie A, but the games in the main less intense, and he’s never hit his Invincibles-leading peaks. Having said that, with the current state of our midfield I’d welcome him back with a friendly, exposed bosum were he offered. At least for a few weeks.

But while I know that Arsene was reported to have been toying with resigning him at the start of the season, I find it hard to imagine it ever having come to fruition. As Thomas Wolfe said – you can’t go home again. There’s a reference you won’t get on Le Grove. It’s good to be back.

So mixed feelings, all in all. What do you lot think?

In other news the expected weather did materialise, and the club wisely decided to pospone the match. As I suggested below, the was a strong risk of the Bolton fans suddenly feeling at home, running amok; reducing house prices, stealing electronic equipment and brawling with one another in the road. It would have been horrible to see. There is now also a likelihood that we’ll get to play them with the ACN crew back, and possibly Cesc. Satisfactory all round – if matches must be postponed, you want them postponed when our best players are out anyway.

Nice Thursdays?

In any team, but especially one as raw as Arsenal’s current crop, the sale of two of your most experienced players represents a risk. Selling them to the team tipped by many as your closest challenger is a gamble so big and fat you could put lend it some goalie gloves and call it Paddy Kenny. 

At first glance, Manchester City’s strategy would seem to be a winner. If you’re going to spend big, better still to weaken your key rivals by signing their stronger players. It makes sense.  They got our vice-captain and longest serving player, and our main striker. Which sounds pretty devastating.

But Mr Wenger is definitely up to something

Famed for his ability to sell off damaged goods at the right time, some are suggesting that Arsenal are getting more money for Toure and Adebayor than they’re worth; that like many others to leave N5 they will soon discover that Arsenal made them look like rather better players than they actually are; and that both players are in decline in any case.

Let’s hope so. Our massive financial disadvantage is only going to get bigger if we lose out on Champions League football next spring, an eventuality which would in all probability prove pivotal to the modern history of the football club.

My instinct is that Mr Wenger has got this right.

Toure was a stop-gap who grew into a lynch-pin, treasured by all at the club, but rarely considered a truly top-class defender. The last of the Invincibles, he will be missed by many, but more for his character and heart than his ability.

He was always one of those players whose eventual market value was difficult to predict, and the £16 million figure mentioned seems like good money for a player who was unhappy enough to request a move in January.

Which leaves Gallas, Vermaelen, Djourou, Senderos, Song and Silvestre, and, to be honest, a lot of Gooners praying for another centre half.

At the arse-end of last season, Mr Wenger regularly lamented our lack of height in defence, which points towards a certain 6′5” Norwegian Cottager.

Hangeland for Toure? Sounds like the right kind of roulette to me.

Much in the tradition of my contributions, this week I refuse to degrade myself to the level of other commentators by seeing how long I can make hilarious leaving puns about Emmanuel Adebayor: ‘AdeBYEBYEor’, ‘Adebay-OFF’. ADEBAYOFF HAHA YEAH SEE! I shall instead ask you more intelligent readers a different question:

Why are Manchester City assembling the laziest team in the history of football?

It must be difficult having unlimited money. Forced to labour under the impression that winning things will somehow now be very easy, and happen irrespective of having an aggressive Welsh wanker managing your club, as an owner or chairman you are forced to set yourself little games to amuse yourself. Different people do different things. Roman Abramovich got around this problem by firing one of the world’s best managers, hugely respected by his team, and replacing him with an unqualified Uncle Festa lookalike, and then a succession of other unsuitable foreigners after he proved to be surprisingly good. Manchester City’s chairman is approaching the issue differently, instead choosing to purchase a wide and exciting range of the world’s laziest footballers. Clearly he was inspired by the sight of Craig Bellamy and Robinho sitting in a chair for training (or something), and decided that if he bought a whole team like that it would make the Premiership a bit more interesting.

This is the only way to explain the otherwise ludicrous amount of money he has spent luring the gangly, bone-idle Togolese cash hole up to Eastlands. As an Arsenal fan I cheer, but as a fan of football I weep tears of hysterical laughter mingled with great sadness. Never in the field of human football has so much been paid by so few for so little. Oh well. Hopefully he can continue to score against Spurs, and we can continue to laugh at them. Other than that there is little hope, given that his previous record suggests he operates a system whereby the number of goals he scores per season is inversely proportional to his salary.  £40,000 – 30 goals. £80,000 – 15 goals. £150,000 – seven goals if they’re lucky.

More fool them I say.