Up For Grabs Now

Unbeaten in six, back in the top four, Denilson hitting some form and with a run of nine very winnable games stretched out in front of us, right up until Roma in late February, perhaps it’s not so bad to be a Gooner after all?

It’s felt like a crap Christmas week from an Arsenal perspective, though I did get some sweet retro Adidas boots for Crimbo, which made me feel a bit better and will doubtless lead to countless hopeless Van Persie impersonations in the park. I always find that my legs aren’t quite bendy enough for this sort of thing.

But suddenly we’re eking out gritty victories over teams led by club legends and Arsene’s chuckling benignly and knowingly when asked about the prospect of us signing exciting, creative new players like Arshavin. Sure, he’s not naming names and for all we know he may actually have lined up Titus Bramble to bring a bit of sparkle to our attack (remember: a good player can play anywhere), but still, his flirty giggles and naming of no names has got us all going a bit, hasn’t it?

In that Sky interview, Wenger alarmingly pointed out that “3 points were requested today“. What? Does that mean that all this time we’ve been fretting away, all we needed to do was ask nicely every week and Arsene will pass on this request to the lads, who will grumpily oblige with a scrappy win? If only we’d realised sooner!

I’ve written a short play which explores some of the issues managers like Arsene must face at this testing, formative period of their lives.

Act One, Scene One

[The Emirate's Stadium at night. Arsene is wearing an inelegant puffa jacket and trying to avoid Geoff Shreves. The Arsenal fans' lines are shouted from off-stage in ghostly tones.]

Us: Who do you fancy, Arsene?

Arsene: No-one. I’m not telling.

Us: You fancy Andrei, don’t you Arsene?

Arsene: (blushing) No. I so totally do not fancy Andrei.

Us: Yes you do! Yes you do! Yes you do! [Sings] Arsene fancies Andrei! Arsene fancies Andrei!

Arsene: No I don’t! No I don’t! [Pause]. Do you think I should let him know how I feel?

[Blackout]

… to be continued.

Serious analysis: From Wenger’s manner and his comments to CanalPlus, I would bet the family cat that we are getting pretty close with Arshavin. Something in the Sky interviewer’s voice suggested that Arsene might just have told him something rather interesting immediately before the interview. BUT, the tabloid (and broadsheet) insistence on a £20million fee is, I believe, complete bollocks. If he was 23, had won the Euros for Russia and we were in a bidding war with Madrid, Chelsea and Milan, then I can see how he might command this sort of fee.

As it is, he had flashes of brilliance at the Euros, an impressive Uefa cup and has failed to win himself a move to a top European club despite openly prostituting himself on the market and sulking for the last six months. His contract’s up in the summer and nobody (apart from Tottenham, obviously) has shown serious interest in him. Get him for between £5-10 million, I say.

That said, my affection toward’s the family cat isn’t what it once was, and I still wouldn’t be that surprised if the whole Arshavin thing turned out to be tabloid bluster which Arsene playfully won’t quash any more (though he seemed to do just that last week). What his comments show for sure is that he’s after a creative midfielder. I’d throw Van der Vaart (who’s unpopular at Madrid) and Arteta (who’s way too good for Everton) into the mix, though it would have been better for us if Arteta hadn’t scored that brace yesterday, as he’s actually had a poor season by and large by his standards.

By most people’s reckoning, that leaves us with a defensive midfielder and a central defender still on the shopping list. Arsene has hinted at wanting another midfielder, but hasn’t mentioned a defender. Hmmm. Perhaps all we need to do is ask politely? Who should we ask for then? Upson?

So we’re in the thick of non-Champions’ League midweekery. Wednesday, and still no match for 4 whole days. This must be how it feels to be a Spud quite a lot of the time – the sense that there’s a party going on, but it’s somewhere else and you weren’t invited. What do Spuds do to pass the time? They moan a lot. So let’s give that a go…

Today the party’s being hosted by a former Arsenal party-goer, Lassana Diarra, who is on his way to Real Madrid. Ramos was obviously admiring him when he should really have been admiring the many many goals flying past Hero Gomes into the Cocks’ net. The fee looks like it’s going to be well north of £18m which is quite clearly insane (please say there was a sell-on clause? Please?) and demonstrates again the guile with which Wenger must navigate the current transfer market. Anybody with any quality is going to go for vast pots of cash so you need to get in there quick.

If you look at it one way, Wenger has almost pulled an Anelka here. Signing a moaney kid for peanuts who could then be sold for bucketloads a few good games down the line. Just a shame we flogged him to Portsmouth in between. Like most Gooners, I may never understand the decision to let Diarra go. He wanted first team football in the run-up to Euro 2008 and Flamini was having a stormer. So LOAN him out! Don’t sell him. We loan everyone else, why make an exception for Diarra?

I’m not saying that Diarra’s Madrid move in itself means he is a great player or that he has somehow “made it” as a top class footballer (though he will probably turn into one pretty soon) – I don’t think he’s played enough top-class games yet. It’s just that if we had had him from the start of the season, I’m pretty sure we’d be top of the pile right now.

That’s probably enough moaning and wistful if-onlying for one morning.

Some cracking quotes coming from Arsene:

“I come from a little village of farmers where I was educated that when you earn £100 you do not spend £100. For me when you earn £100 and you spend £110 it is like cheating. A club must live within its own resources, not artificially supported. The economic crisis will force many clubs to rethink the way they are run. It seems too many believe football exists in a bubble, away from the financial crisis! Football depends heavily on the financial markets, sponsorship and television rights, all of which are suffering right now. Clubs will be affected, wages will come down, transfer fees must come down and there will be a bit of calm with the exception of clubs like Manchester City.”

The image of the miserly little 9-year-old Arsene flogging a range of promising piglets for £100, trousering £94 and spending just £6 on a little-known Iberian breed of young rabbits while muttering about the imminent collapse of cattle prices is an amusing one. Hold on, that’s our transfer policy!

From a purely Arsenal perspective, you’ve got to hope that he’s right and that the financial crisis will bite football’s saggy bottom pretty soon. If he is, then the harsher financial climate would certainly work in our favour, especially as we’ve clearly prepared for it. If he’s not, then we’ll be a bit stuffed as we’ll have been working within rigid spending limits on wages and transfers without having needed to.

Transfer Rumours: To illustrate just how hard our tireless journalists work on their transfer rumours (which we avidly devour day after day) I give you the BBC’s instalment for today. They report that the journalistic totem that is the Daily Telegraph has claimed that Arsene may replace serial sour-puss William Gallas with Le Mans’ Ivory Coast defender Gervinho.

Hold on. Have you been reading your own columns, BBC? You always, always link us with a move for Le Mans’ Ivory Coast attacker Gervinho. Are you quite sure he is now a defender? Really?

Now, I know Arsene loves nothing more than a nice fan-goading out-of-position midfield (the Diaby-Song-Fabregas-Denilson one is his personal best – just one player in the right place!) and I know the best form of defence is said to be attack, but surely turning the free-scoring Gervinho into a defender before he’s even signed for us is a bit much?

Next thing you know we’ll be snapping up Jimmy Bullard as back-up to Almunia and bringing in Rafael van der Vaart to partner Gervinho at the heart of the defence. Speaking of van der Vaart – yes please, Arsene!

Update: the Daily Telegraph (which I don’t normally read, honestly) has just linked us with  a £3 million move for Vitesse Arnhem goalkeeper Piet Velthuizen. Apparently, the 22-year-old said he’d be up for a move to Arsenal, and also said: “I don’t just want to be a top ‘keeper, I want to be the world’s best.”  He also said he wants to be “that star up in the sky”, “that mountain peak up high” and ”that little bit of hope when your back’s against the ropes”. Don’t we all, Piet, don’t we all.