Up For Grabs Now

So we won last night against West Brom thanks to a goal from Sanchez Watt, I said a goal from Sanchez Watt, what? A goal from Sanchez what what. Sanchez – what, has the man no surname, what? No, he’s Sanchez Watt. Ah, Sanchez Watt. Yes. What.

That’s quite enough of that, you might think. And you would be right. Carl Vela popped up for the second one, and that was game over. We were helped by the fact that Jerome Thomas got sent off. This is a nice, circular and almost poetic conclusion to a saga that has been ongoing.

Dedicated and keen-eyed supporters will remember Jerome Thomas as a striker at Arsenal way back in the day who after some early promise fell victim to Arsene’s policy of only having one striker with two first names. In one of our typically made-up exclusives, I can give you the full transcript of their final, fateful exchange:

AW: Ah, hello Jerome.

            JT: Sorry to bother, boss, just I’ve been hearing some rumours.

            AW: Ah yes?

            JT: Well it’s just some of the boys been saying you’re hiring a new striker with two first names.

            AW: Ah, oui. I was meaning to speak with you about this.

            JT: So it’s true?

            AW: A oui. Ah am afraid so.

            JT: But boss!

            AW: Eet is not your fault. Eet is just both of his first names are so very fine.

            JT: What are they?

            AW: Well one of his first names is Henry. And the first first name is Thierry. It is French for Thierry. You must agree it is a fine first name no?

            JT:  What’s wrong with Jerome? Jerome’s a nice first name.

            AW: A oui. But it eez not so French as Thierry.

            JT: Yes its. Jerome. It’s French.

            AW: A oui, but it does not sound so French like Thierry. Thierry is a lovely French first name. Henry is a lovely English first name. It is not your fault that Jerome and Thomas are not such nice first names. I am sorry. I really wanted you to be the striker with two first names, but Thierry and Henry are just much nicer first names. He sounds like an artiste, you sound like a, how you say, peinteir et decorateur…

            JT: mumbling bitterly, crying slightly – I’ll never forget this, boss. You’ve done me over here. I’ll get my revenge one day. Just you wait. In a future Carling Cup match I will slightly push a rising starlet of yours. Then you’ll be sorry!

            AW: Ah ha ha. Oh no, Jerome Thomas. I will not. For after this leetle push a revenge goal will be scored by your nemesis, a young striker with not two, not one, but zheroh first names! EE will be called Sanchez Watt, and of eem up and down the country will be said – Sanchez Watt? And ah will reply, a oui. Sanchez Watt – the bandit with no first names. You may interrogate a Mexican with him. The Mexican Inquistion…non. Actually non.

Nobody expects the Sanchez inquisition. 

Don’t forget you can still win one of five ‘Gaffer’ mugs from our friends down at Philosophy Football. Simply answer the following question – How many doubles have Arsenal won under Arsene Wenger? Answers with your personal details (specifically address/email) to admin@philosophyfootball.com by the end of September. 

Two and a half minutes of my life that might as well never have happened were those I just spent watching our squad for tonight gently jogging about, to a climactic electric guitar backing soundtrack, as if the vision of our whipper-snappers ambling around London Colney in distinctly pedestrian fashion wasn’t blood-curdling enough for Arsenal TV Online’s free video.

No, there’s an advert for a Bruce Willis movie before it, so if we just show Eboue scratching his balls and the sound of passing traffic everyone will (completely unjustifiably) think our video’s crap.

Or maybe this is one of Arsene’s special training methods. Do we always train to electric guitar, I wonder?

Maybe that’s why Ade’s so angry with everyone at the club – he used to put on hardcore Togonian rap about shopping, but then Denilson said it gave him a mild headache. Van Persie put on some bland electric guitar music instead, and eight weeks later, Ade got his revenge by stamping on his face.

Just as plausible as the other explanations I’ve heard for Ade’s thuggery if you ask me, including his own garbled mutterings about the various people who do or don’t love him.

Tonight we face a Standard Liege side shorn of their highly rated skipper Steve “Definitely” Defour, but we may well have to face the Belgian Butcher Axel Witsel, who will be well rested as he’s in the middle of an eight match ban for chopping another player’s leg in half. Highly rated player, Witsel, and it’ll be interesting to see how he fares against us.

In turn, we will, predictably, be without most of our players, but look certain to see Vito Mannone start in goal. Fabianski must be kicking himself. Except if he did he might injure himself some more and squander still further this rare opportunity to stake his claim ahead of our marvellously hirsute Spanish English Neutral (Swiss?) Waiter Goalkeeper.

There are those who have already written off Mannone on the strength of very little, really. They’d rather see Wojciech Szczesny have a go, if only in the vain hope that David Pleat may have to attempt to pronounce his name in a live broadcast.

Personally, I’m more concerned with letting SuperJack have a run-out. It’d also be lovely to see Sanchez Watt make his bow at Europe’s top table. Blessed with the finest name to emerge from Arsenal’s academy since Quincy Owusu-Abeye (his full name is actually Herschel Sanchez Watt), Sanchez has long been a firm favourite here on UpForGrabsNow. He’s got pace, skill and a rare hairstyle/great name combination that promises much.

That said, we’ll probably go with Mannone, The Back Four, Song, Fabregas, Diaby, Rosicky, Bendtner and Eduardo.I’d be tempted to put Rosicky in central midfield instead of Diaby and put Wilshere on the left, but I’d say it’s more likely that Diaby will start on the wing with Eboue roving around the midfield like a maniac.

Always interested to hear your thoughts.

One man full of thoughts today was Arsene Wenger, who has had his say on everything from Eduardo to player quotas to Vermaelen and Adebawhore.

Most impressive was his quip about Mark Hughes, which I enjoyed mainly because Hughes is exactly the kind of guy the English media love to paint as an honest, straight-talking, decent-family-values guy, when in fact he’s a nonsensical git whose teams have always been a bunch of thugs - until he could afford to buy players of Adebawhore’s calibre. And as soon as he did that he started stamping on the limbs and faces of former team-mates.

But Hughes won’t last long at City. And let’s hope the mental Togonian doesn’t either.

FREE AT LAST: With his caging quashed, the 'Boruc One' is set to be unleashed on Europe's penalty boxes once again