Up For Grabs Now

Not long to go now.

Tiny Totts are coming to the Emirates. Let’s hope we can dish out a long overdue pasting to make their Week of Hubris appear even sillier than it already does.

First there was the release of pictures of their new stadium, White Elephant Lane (aka Emirates Lite, Diet Ashburton, Theatre of Squirms). Paid for God only knows how by this puny minnow of the Premiership era, Tiny Totts deserve a healthy dollop of rack and ruin if they ever actually build it. Where does their money come from?

Then came Spurs’ bench-warmer and former Liverpool bench-warmer Robbie Keane claiming that Spurs had more strength in depth than Arsenal. I took this to mean that he is still bitter about never having made it as an elite player and being condemned to spend the best days of his career at a third rate club with no serious European aspirations. Certainly, there’s no way he can seriously be claiming that Spurs have better players than we do. Cos that’s just daft, plainly. Hasn’t he ever seen Arshavin play? Perhaps the wee Russian can show him a thing or two this afternoon.

And now Crazy Harry doesn’t fancy us. Which is fine. We don’t fancy you either you slack-jowled, watery-eyed, club-bankrupting, West Ham-relegating nobarse. He thinks we’re soft-centred and he might have a point. But let’s hope today Vermaelen headers the fuck out of anything that gets anywhere near our box.

In short, Spurs are feeling a lot better about themselves than they usually do, and it is incumbent upon Arsenal to return them to their natural state as the snivelling, bitter joke-club we know and hate.

Team News: Wenger has been saying nothing on this. Which means we might see Cesc and Arshavin rested and Eboue and Diaby included in an otherwise unchanged team from midweek. Today could be the day we finally see Eboue deployed as a lone striker. And what a day that could be.

Excited as I am at that prospect, I would slightly rather we actually started Almunia-Sagna-Gallas-Vermaelen-Clichy-Song-Fabregas-Nasri-Arshavin-Bendtner-VanPersie, though I doubt Nasri will make it after just a single game back so I reckon Diaby could play there instead, though after mid-week Ramsey must be getting very close indeed.

Spurs are without Defoe (sore tummy), Modric (penis wound) and Aaron Lennon (existential crisis). They are also without a soul, a real trophy for about 40 years and any sense of pride/shame.

Today of all days I want no funny business, no nonsense and most definitely no mucking about from the lads. Search and destroy. Pass, move, shoot. This means the scoring of goals and the steely retention of winning margins right to the last. It means not tapping the ankles of known divers in the last minute, and it definitely doesn’t involve stumbling over the ball on halfway and conceding possession needlessly.

I’ve a feeling today will turn out well.

Oh, what to make of it all? There was a time when I looked out for the Man Utd and Tottenham results and wanted them both to lose. It didn’t really matter who they were playing, except when they played each other when I generally hoped for a draw, injuries to key players and some long-term suspensions.

Yesterday Ashley Cole scored against Spurs. What was I meant to do?

It was the most emotionally confusing moment since a couple of hours earlier I found myself cheering Michael Owen’s winner for Man Utd. Then I saw the United fans celebrating and I stopped. Then I saw Mark Hughes’ face and I started all over again.

And what’s a Gooner to do when confronted with the spectacle of Craig Bellamy punching a United fan in the face? Whose side are we meant to be on?

Truly, Arsenal are a club surrounded by a wilderness of cunts.

Spurs and United are clubs with a long and despicable tradition of being cunts, whereas Ashley Cole may be the worst bloke alive, but he is only one bloke, not an entirely evil institution with a proven history of cuntishness – and City have only recently become complete cunts, though that doesn’t look like changing soon.

So yesterday was confusing. And there’ll be more like this to come with so many hateful clubs and individuals now in the mix, and that’s not even counting former footballer David Bentley.

My advice is to focus on the player/team that comes off worst, and to revel in their misery.

So don’t think about Cashley, think about Daniel Levy. Don’t think about United winning the Champs League, just remember John Terry making a tit of himself with the most important kick of his career.

In other news, Thomas Vermaelen’s goalscoring, fist-pumping, brave headering start in an Arsenal shirt has forced us to revise our previous comparisons – we now insist that Nemanja Vidic be referred to as ‘A Poor Man’s Thomas Vermaelen’ .

It has also strengthened the impression that new signings are always better than what we already have, not just because they’re new and shiny, but also because they’re better.

This impression only adds to the clamour for more spending, but we’d do well to remember that some signings are absolutely pants, and that Wenger’s recent purchasing of two players (for whom Man City would now almost certainly be prepared to pay £60-70m) for just £25m combined makes him a complete genius.

Signing players this good isn’t at all easy. And seeing as we’ve got very little cash, it’s just a good thing we’ve got the right man spending it.

Talking of Le Gaffer not being a mug, here’s a Gaffer mug. It is, as you might say, up for grabs now  (ahem) as part of our glamorous tryst with our friends at Philosophy Football.

To get your mits on Arsene’s mug simply answer the following question: how many domestic doubles have Arsenal won with Arsene in charge? Please email your answer with name and address to admin@philosophyfootball.com with ‘UpForGrabsNow Competition’ in the subject title. Entries close on the 30^th September.

Let's hope this isn't the only cup with Arsene written all over it this season

Sp*rs look set for glory after making their best start to the season for 49 years, when they last won the title.

And in what does this fantastic start consist?

3 wins. A mere 35 matches now stand between ‘Arry’s boys and the championship. If you believe this sort of nonsense, they may as well hand out the medals on Monday morning.

Far from getting carried away about the “best start in 49 years” statistic, Sp*rs fans would do well to reflect on exactly how consistently bad your team has to be to fail to win 3 games in a row at the start of the season for 47 years in a row.

Don’t get me wrong, they look to have a reasonable side and Redknapp is a much better manager than they deserve, but we’ve seen good managers and promising teams before at White Hart Lane.

We’ve seen them promise much in big-spending summers, we’ve seen their fans getting miles ahead of themselves, and we’ve seen them collapsing into 9th place mediocrity. Time and time again.

Meanwhile the national media, alarmed to have their dire warnings of Arsenal’s inability to win any football matches without first spending lots of money made a mockery of, have outdone themselves. From Arsenal’s league total of 10 goals and six points, they have spun a negative story of some ingenuity – apparently none of our strikers will ever score again and we’re well and truly stuffed.

After all, it’s not how many you score that counts is it? It’s whether the goalscorers play in the right position.

What a lot of bollies.

‘I can’t believe it. I have literally no idea what’s going on.’