Up For Grabs Now

Squillaci wo-oh. Squillaci, wo-oh
In such sweet rhymes our defenders sometimes go

Willy Gallas fucked off at long long last
Thinking we’d forget his cuntishnesses past

On Sa’day we looked alright at the back
But Blackpool were a pile of tangeriney cack

Who knows what further citrus gags await
Though zesty I fear they might start to grate

Squillaci is a silly-sounding name
But though funny, that line’s no real shame

He has so far plied his happy trade
In Seville, source of wondrous Marmalade

Their famous Barber I presume is known to him
He lacks a single hair ‘pon his Gallic chin

He must Pollyfilla our defensive cracks
Against Drogba make no ill-conceivéd hacks

Welcome, new Gooner Saint Sébastien
We beg no tantrums against Birmingham

Try a bit and you’ll try more than him before
And Harry Redknapp’s mother is a whore.

Dear Hotspur, T
This must be
The apogee
Of your attempts to avenge Sol Campbell.

It ranks with the triumphant parading
Of Rohan Ricketts.

Oh, Rohan Ricketts!

Why do you now trade your sorry ply at
Moldovan Intertoto Cup outsiders FC Dacia Chişinău?
Was it because you went to Tottenham?

If Gallas wants some Ricketts, he can have them:
Dennis, God, the real red 10,
Knows ‘Cappy’ (sometime ‘Crappy’)
Has had every other injury besides.

Besides which, he wasn’t nice to Kolo,

And now he’ll limp beside Trauma King and Surgery Woodgate.

He wasn’t a good defender
And when he used to score
With his famous penis
(Deft from corners sometimes)
It somehow felt just slightly not as good
As every other time that Arsenal score.

With all the doom-mongering and transfer-related whingeing that’s been going on, only the very perceptive will have emerged from this summer having retained the memory of Arsenal actually owning any players whatsoever. And some good ones, too.

Grabber has done a fine job of swarthily surveying our array of attacking players like the seasoned trooper that he is. Now it’s my turn, with the case for the defence.

Manuel Almunia: combines a career as a top-flight goalkeeper with a part-time role as a German-baiting waiter. Also combines being Spanish with being English, and not getting picked for Spain with not getting picked for England. An Arsene favourite. For years completely unfancied by all, sundry, and everyone else as a bench-warming, cross-flapping enigma, you’ve got to admire the pluck of the man Mad Jens once complained had “only started playing football aged 30″.  Hope he stays fit.

Lukasz Fabianski: A blonde girl in a pub once told me that Fabianski is the best looking Arsenal player since Flamini. Be that as it may, his carefully slicked down fringe didn’t do much to quieten the howls of agony when he inexplicably charged past the onrushing Drogba at Wembley in the spring. Still, we all make mistakes, and he’s made some decent saves. Only 24, and improving. But hope Manuel stays fit.

Gael Clichy: A big season for Gael as he tries to dislodge Evra from the France team. Evra looks permanently furious and fights with passing groundsman at the drop of a rake. Clichy is extraordinarily fast, but developed a nasty tendency to fall over at crucial periods, such as in injury time against the hated foe. Hopefully this will be stamped out and he will finally learn to shoot. A top player who should be looking to last the season this year.

Bacary Sagna: Arguably the best player in the world. Sure, you’d have to argue that one pretty well, but if we had eleven Bacary Sagnas… well, I’d stick four in defence and the rest would have to compete with the others for places. One could probably play in midfield somewhere. And we might get away with playing a couple in the Ladies team. A magnificent defender, a soldier, and a gentleman.

Thomas Vermaelen: If you can’t sign Nemanja Vidic, why not sign someone who looks a bit like him? Steely of eye, iron of jaw and proud of forehead, Vermaelen has all the physical attributes to prove the doubters wrong about Wenger’s ability to buy defenders. Plus, he’s captained Ajax already and at 24 should have valuable experience and some great years ahead of him. I think he will prove to be a very shrewd buy.

William Gallas: Still here. After all the huffing and sulking, Wenger did the unthinkable and got rid of plucky Kolo instead, which leaves a lot of responsibility with Gallas. Unfairly maligned for his generally solid performances in my opinion, Gallas’ experience will be hugely important. He should realise that it’s his last season at the top, nail his colours to the mast and play a blinder. Could still be a world-beating stopper for us if his head is right and he can gel with Vermaelen.

Johan Djourou: Cited by Wenger as one of the many (three) tall players in our squad, this could be a breakthrough year for the young swiss, who has clearly muscled himself well ahead of Senderos in the picking order. Must steer clear of injury, but a first team spot is certainly not beyond him this season.

Emmanuel Eboue: So good, we profiled him twice. Arguably the best player in the world. Mad, bad, and often dangerous to pass to. Let’s hope that when he does get on he plays in defence, that he continues to cut inside so thrillingly (and entirely unpredictably) and that he wins a penalty at Old Trafford with a dive so egregious that it shocks the world. Reportedly wanted by Barcelona as a replacement for the tediously magnificent Dani Alves, and who can blame them?

Back 4 Extras: Arsene Knows. More than anything he seems to know how to find lithe quicksilver young left full-backs. Kieran Gibbs will have to fight it out with Armand Traore to be Clichy’s back up this year, though both players could surely also be useful on the wing if pressed into action. Mikael Silvestre continues to cement his place as a firm fans favourite, which is why we all hope he’s used sparingly.

Alex Song: Turned himself into a bit of a lynch-pin by the end of last season, though that was partly because we didn’t have any other players left. A good start could see him kick on to become a major force, though you still wonder if Wenger doesn’t see him as a defender. The face of Arsenal’s cosmetics range, there is still time to make yourself smell like Song. Prone to dozing off against correctly-termed lesser teams, our soft underbelly is likely to completely collapse without him, unless we get another defensive midfielder soonish.

Denilson: Famously “not as good as Kaka”, as the woman behind me repeatedly insists on pointing out, Denilson is a very promising talent, who must be looking to really impose himself on the team this year. Blessedly injury-averse, the ever-present young square-pass merchant isn’t going to convince everyone, but he’s convinced Mr Wenger, who will want him, like Song, to add a bit of grit and consistency to his game. Also like Song, likely to be the scapegoat for any poor results.

Aaron Ramsey: Tidy, skilful and a future mainstay. Looked overawed at points last year, but should know his way around by now. Not one to hang about and clearly convinced of his ability (just in a Welsh, rather than Danish way, if you get me) Aaron is likely to see a lot of gametime, especially if no other central midfielders arrive. Did I mention that some Arsenal fans want to see a defensive midfielder brought in?

Prognosis: The patient is a bit off-colour for this time of year, and looks thin around the middle. Would benefit from a muscular injection in defensive midfield and centre-half. What an original conclusion.

Thank God the season’s here. There’s been far too much Arsene-bashing from the press and some fans, and futile, circular, transfer-related harping. A win on Saturday would be the best way to forget all about it.

So. After the furious chaos of the last week it almost feels like we’re into something of a fallow patch with all things Arsenal before the big game at Stanford Bridge tomorrow.

I say big game but I suppose in some ways it’s not really. It’s a big game in so far as if we win, we’ll be a few fewer points behind and there’ll be a raft more ‘Don’t write off Arsenal’ stories in the media but any other result and we’re in the same position as we are today. I guess a good performance might help, but the problem is consistency, not whether the can team can rouse themselves for Chelea.

Still, Nasri, Adebayor and Sagna are all back and it will be nice to see them, particularly with stories like this floating around to make all Gooners want to believe in Santa and the inferiorities of the Italian game.

I wonder what our formation will be. You’ve got to think with Chelsea’s midfield, and a fit Adebayor, the boss’ll be tempted to go with five across the middle, and hope that we can snuff them out and hit them on the break, perhaps with a characteristic Adebayor hanging header. That would be fine for me. You certainly wouldn’t think we’ll be aiming to dominate them man for man.

There’ll probably be a bit more as they get into the psychological warfare – I’m expecting some people to say some stuff about Gallas through the day, none of it very interesting. The barometer of opinion seems to be swinging back in his favour, though a lot will rest on how he can perform tomorrow.

There are also a lot of people saying they’d settle for a draw tomorrow. Psychologically perhaps, but mathematically no. A draw tomorrow does nothing for me, like Harriet Harman eating ryvita in clown shoes.

Laters, grabbees.

We hired a new CEO yesterday, Ivan Gazidis, whose experience of football is mostly from America. This suggests two things to me: firstly he’s probably good with cash, and secondly that he probably knows nothing whatsoever about football. Both of these are helpful traits; I was very alarmed at some of the names being touted previously, who were men with serious experience working in football in serious footballing places, places that aren’t America, for instance. That’s the last thing you want.

What you want is somebody very good at not giving agents any money, and not giving in to people like Emmanuel Adebayor when they tell you that they’re the most valuable men in the world, even more valuable than the entire defence, say. Anyway it’s not a decision they came to slowly. You imagine the Arsenal boardroom at times to be a bit like a convergence of the ents in Lord of the Rings. They never discuss anything quickly, and they never speak about anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.

Anyway. It’s another bit of stability in what has been a good stabilising week so far for the club. Hopefully the nous and the extra revenue he can drive will act as a barrier against evil Boss Nass look-alikes who want to use our football club as a place to rape and intimidate people.

Gael Clichy has slightly come out of my good books for his attack on Gallas. I thought he’d done so well the other day, and then he goes and is mean to poor William just when the chips are down.

Clichy out! Gallas in!

Etc.

Seriously it does seem a bit silly to suggest that Gallas ‘shattered’ moral with his comments. I imagine that losing to Fulham, Hull, Stoke, Villa and Manchester City, and drawing with Tottenham, is what damaged morale. But perhaps I’m old fashioned. To my mind the bigger issue was Gallas’ impropriety in the role of captain. Maybe that’s what Clichy means.

From now till Sunday it’s going to be build up to Chelsea. Anybody got any good ideas? I have to say, just as against Utd, I feel quite optimistic – Chelsea didn’t look convincing last night, and our lot have little to lose at the moment. I daresay we’ll start to get injury news quite soon.

I’d like to start Vela, please. And I’d like Wilshere on the bench, please, and for him to come on for at least fifteen minutes. And for Song either not to play at all or to transform into a six foot four Senegalese called Patrick in 2001.That can be a very small part of my early Christmas present. How about you?

So the first game under Captain Cesc and the first step on the road to recovery for this team. Let’s hope that road is about 12 metres long, paved with gold, and we’re allowed to drive a turbo-charged eleven-seater Ferrari. We need to get there fast so that when we next have a really difficult fixture we are at our best. What’s that? Chelsea away? On Sunday? Oh dear.

Back to last night, and Kiev. We shouldn’t allow the current problems to obscure the significance of ickle Jack Wilshere’s plucky European debut. He looked tidy and inventive as always, and supremely comfortable on the ball. Perhaps he’s been taking lessons from Alex Song.

For some reason I never noticed it in the Carling Cup games but playing for a bigger Arsenal side against a lumping Kiev team, Jack looked a bit like what happens on SuperMario when your guy gets shrunk. He was TINY! Seeing him marking one enormous bald bloke at a free-kick I half expected him to be crushed underfoot in a shower of lost gold coins, or else to leap ridiculously high and kill the bald bloke by stamping on his head shouting “Yippee! Wahey! Wazoo!”

It’s probably good in the long run that he didn’t do any of these things. Instead he gave a cameo performance which has had some fans calling for him to have a bigger role on a more regular basis. My view is that I’d like to see him get a few games this season and then really push for a place next year a la Walcott. Ramsey is still ahead of Jack for his sheer beefiness, and while last night wasn’t Aaron’s best performance, it’s much easier to look good for 15 minutes than for a whole match, as we saw with Carlos Vela who Wenger withdrew due to fatigue after an hour. The good thing is that Jack plays centrally and on the left, Aaron plays centrally and on the right and so they should both be providing healthy competition for more senior players.

Other observations: Gael pulled off some sick tricks to get himself out of trouble when he was in really tight spots. He’s been doing these more and more this season. I can’t think of another full-back in the world to match his sheer audacity (think the casual overhead lobbing of Ronaldo the other week). This can also land him in big boo-boo (think Totts) but it’s certainly exciting to watch.

I was concerned by Van Persie’s performance last night. He looked pretty lazy for most of the first half and I lost count of the number of times I was screaming at him to get in the box and he seemed to dash off in the other direction, making space for… wait… nobody, because he was the main striker. I know it’s very early to judge, but the Van Persie-Vela left footed combo didn’t really look too promising.

Typically for a club of such class, Gallas received a pretty reasonable reception. He had a night of near misses at both ends as he had a good finish disallowed, was then lucky that an error of Bramble-esque proportions went unpunished by their grubby looking striker, and then put a goal-saving block on a Van Persie which looked destined for the net. The early signs were promising that he will be able to stop girning and get back to being the pretty excellent defender he once was.

Cesc chose exactly the right words on Gallas, words that should unite the team and the supporters: 

“I have a great respect for William. A lot of people from the outside have been very unfair with him because he is a great guy, a great professional and he always tries to do everything to help this club. You can never doubt his commitment to the club. It has been spot on since the first day and he has been a big, big player for us.”

This is quite hard to take as fans still angry at last week’s apparent betrayal, but coming from a player as adored as Cesc is, it’s kind of hard not to just accept this. Cesc knows Gallas and has trained with him for two and a half years. We don’t and we haven’t. He’s been in the dressing room and heard what has gone on. We haven’t. Cesc knows?

Finally, a word on injuries. Nine is a lot of first teamers (ok, eight if you don’t count Eboue) to have sitting on the sidelines, and seeing them all cosied up in dark grey parkas and silly hats I fear that unless our wounded players either get better and start wearing red shirts and white shorts again or else change their casual dress-sense pretty soon, people are going to start mistaking them for low quality rap collaboration The Blazin’ Squad and they’ll have to do gigs and such. But then Adebayor would probably quite enjoy that, wouldn’t he.

Arsene says that Sagna, Nasri and Ade are all “50:50″ to make the Chelsea game. He does love his percentages, doesn’t he? I wonder whether he keeps them all in his head and how often they change, e.g. when Eduardo first got injured his percentage must have been 0:100, when he had it plastered up it was probably around 2:98 and it’s been ticking up ever since. I wonder where he’s got to now, it will be VERY good to have him back.

(Final) finally, don’t miss this. Proof (which was obviously very needed) that Rooney is a cheating git. Purple Nose said he “didn’t mean to do it”. What exactly did he mean to do then? Execute some kind of unlikely diving header with the ball at his feet? Take flight up into the chilly Spanish sky? Most tastelessly of all, Ferguff-on goes on to attack Rob Pires for not apologising after his dives, which, lets face it, have probably happened once or twice. Proof (which was obviously very needed) that Purple Nose is a total git.

Arsenal 1 Dynamo Kiev 0

Well thank heavens for that. One nil to the Arsenal, and have you ever been more relieved to hear those words? Unconvincing, certainly, and I suspect there were a few hearts in mouths during the second half. With Porto winning we’ve cemented our position in the last sixteen of the Champions League, and also secured ourselves a semi-dead rubber in Portugal.

Thoughts?

Positives: The win. Cesc’s first match as captain a victory, and a strong performance from him. Gallas getting his head down and doing a job, though he looked shaky at times. Almunia’s save in the second half. Vela’s brightness in the first half, a bit of breathing space before business resumes in earnest on Sunday. Young Jack Wilshere looking as promising as usual. Comedy opposition sending off – ‘headless chicken kiev’?

Negatives: The shakiness we’ve seen in recent games, particularly in the back half of midfield and defence, was still there. Chelsea, not to mention the other big European teams, will hardly be quaking in their boots at the thought of playing our team. Still, we’ve got players to come back, and morale will pick up. Denilson is not a winger.

So. Things to correct. A good night for the Arsenal. What do you reckon? 

In the wake of the gamut of guff being spun about Cesc’s appointment, Up For Grabs Now would like to single out for special attention Arsenal’s erstwhile left-back, Gael Clichy,

In this player’s loveable heart, head and legs lies the beating essence of Arsene Wenger’s philosophy as a football manager. He is as quick as the wind, skilful, attack-minded and young. So far, so erratic Arsenal. But what separates Gael from the rest, and what’s been clear since he joined, is that he will give his all every time he steps onto the pitch. When all around him players are dropping or giving up, Clichy will be there chasing, harassing and driving forward. How many times have we seen him, having run all game, collect the ball in the 80^th minute only to go stampeding up the wing, surprising his own teammates as much as the helpless, exhausted opposing right midfielder? It doesn’t seem to matter whether we are winning or losing – as long as he is on the pitch in an Arsenal shirt he will keep fighting.

This is not to say he never makes mistakes: he had a bad game against Man City at the weekend, and he was responsible for Tottenham’s crucial third goal. Last season it was the penalty he conceded against Birmingham that marked the beginning of the end of our season. Unlike William Gallas he got up, shook himself down and went back to the fight. All players are going to make mistakes, particularly at the start of their careers. This is particularly going to be the case in an attacking team like Arsenal, where movement and speed are prioritised. The difference with Gael is that he always looks willing to learn from his errors, and to atone for them.

As I have written, he was my pick for captain. In hindsight it’s easy to see it was always going to be Fabregas, and I’ve no doubt Cesc will be a great leader of the club. One wonders what Clichy would have made of the talk he would be made captain. No doubt he would be too modest ever to accept the possibility, or at least to say so.

His response to the captaincy announcement was typical of what we’ve come to expect. He addressed some of the expected criticism about Cesc’s age and experience, and made the comparison with Tony Adams which will warm the hearts of gooners everywhere. But more than that he dealt with the Gallas situation, and restated the support he feels from the whole squad. True or not, it is exactly the message of unity the club needs to project at the moment. Even if we suggest cynically that the words were put into his mouth, a PR department could not wish for a finer spokesperson. Gael Clichy, this blog salutes you.

On to other matters, and this evening we face Dynamo Kiev, a game which could cement our place in the next round of the Champions League. With our league form as it is, the European competition is crucial, and a cup run can build a head of steam which carries over into the league. If Gallas, by the end of last week, had become a dividing force in the dressing, here’s to hoping Cesc can launch the new-look squad afresh and let them unleash their baby-faced potential on the world. We’re still missing key players, but I’ve no doubt the importance of the game won’t be lost on the side. One wonders sometimes if the European game holds, for the foreign imports, the magic which the FA Cup holds for English players. It certainly might explain our recent superior form on the continent.

It will also be interesting to see how Gallas responds. Who doesn’t want him to unleash his full defensive majesty on the game and respond to the abuse he’s endured with his feet? I know I do. If he can accept his role in the team and calm down, there’s no reason he can’t play a part for many more games to come, but he needs to knuckle down and get on with it.

Time to silence the critics, Arsenal.

P.S. We wish to apologise to Le Grove and its many, many readers for any offence we may have caused yesterday. We may have the given the completely true utterly false impression that he was mad. We now realise the error of our ways, as he has conclusively proven himself to be a visionary  genius with his revolutionary 2-4-4 formation for Arsenal’s future. What’s more, his 2-4-4 formation includes Bacary Sagna, hitherto understood to be quite injured. I daresay an explanation will be on its way. Perhaps he knows a guy who knows a guy. 

Here is the link: www.le-grove.co.uk

William Gallas is back, eh? 

Why, Arsene, why? 

Actually I can think of a couple of reasons. I mean, he has been on occasion a world-class defender. He is also hugely experienced, more so than perhaps anyone else in the current side. Although that said I’m probably more experienced than most of the current side. Certainly at some things.

Who knows what’s going on at the moment with Gallas. To be stripped of the captaincy and then return to the dressing room - as chastening for him as it would be odd (and perhaps satisfying) for the other players. Some players might respond to this kind of pressure, but I suspect LeGal is not one of them – he’s already decided he’s the best player and Capi in the world, so I doubt being dropped will make him better. 

Anyway. I suppose I’d rather have him defending against Kiev than Gavin Hoyte.

Man City 3. Arsenal 0. Sure, on the face of it this is a bad result, but this match was always going to be a huge struggle. Even before the Gallas furore, we were a massively weakened side with low morale. 

The defence were far too weak, but look at who we were starting: they’d probably never even played together and were then expected to hold out against a Man City side with arguably the most attacking flair outside the top four.

Wenger has played down the Gallas stuff, as well he might. I expect we’ll hear more about it in the near future.

For now thoughts turn to Kiev on Tuesday, and a chance to perform away from the glare of the Premiership and cement our place in the next round.

More later.